1 Easy Way To Increase Empathy

Last year I foolishly took up swimming. With a trainer and everything. I had, in my mind, the idea of competing in a triathlon, despite the fact that I am missing the sporty gene. I live in Colorado, land of the ridiculously fit. I blame my misguided triathlon notion on this fact.

I suck at swimming and came to dread the sessions with my trainer, a 19 year old who made Ryan Lochte look like a brain. After several weeks I gave up in defeat.

I had failed. Worse yet, I had to admit it to my students in the class I was teaching “Creating Professional & Academic Success”. In this class we talk about things like goal setting, motivation, meeting challenges etc. I thought my swimming failure was the worst thing to happen to me as a teacher. Until it became the best thing.

Why? It offered a great, big perspective check, one a know-it-all like me doesn’t acknowledge very often. My swimming experience let me feel frustrated, helpless, unmotivated and conflicted, the way my students often feel when they take a writing class with me. (I’m sure it’s the subject matter that has them so despairing, not their professor’s personality.)

Huh. Suddenly I found myself with a lot more empathy and patience when a student bailed on class or bombed a paper. Maybe the student wasn’t taking advantage or phoning it in. Maybe he was in so far over his head that he needed a life preserver, exactly as I would if I tried the triathlon swim in open water or, really, any kind of water.

Maybe, for the student, the classroom is open water. No wonder he doesn’t show up. This realization made me a kinder, gentler teacher, for the semester anyway.

Do something you’re not good at. Swimming or ice skating or learning a new language or dance move. I guarantee it will give you more patience and empathy with the folks in your life who are frustrating you. Co-workers, kids, family members etc. For me, this perspective shift made all the difference.

My students and kids aren’t making bad choices to be annoying or lazy (well, sometimes they are). Usually they’re doing it because they don’t have the skill set yet. Your job as the boss or the teacher or the parent is to help them develop the skill set. With as much patience and good humor as you can muster. It won’t be quick or easy. Worthwhile stuff is never quick or easy. “Grow your people” is the mantra. Sometimes that can’t be done without growing yourself first.

                       Me and my fella... clearly next up on the "growing" list is our fashion sense.

Ignite Your Dinner Party: Tabletopics Conversation

Pottery Barn’s fall catalogue came in the mail yesterday. It immediately made me want to throw a dinner party. It was the vision of warm, autumnal light playing over the table -- highlighting the pumpkins and ceramic gourds -- that did it. I could just envision the fun and festive environment. The peals of laughter from dinner party guests. Only here’s the thing: tablescapes are great, but they alone do not make a dinner fun or festive. Here’s what does: “Tabletopics: Questions To Start Great Conversations”.

The set contains dozens of conversation starters like “What’s your favorite place to vacation and why?” or “What would you most like to know about the future?” There are  different “Tabletopics” editions so you can get a pack tailored for kids, family gatherings, dinner party, wedding shower etc.  

We have the family set, and it’s enlivened many a dinner. You pass the cube around the table, and each person answers the questions that are called out. The results prompt much better conversation than talk about the weather.

One time the game even prompted tears at our house. They were tears of laughter, from both sets of grandparents, me and the 10 year old, after hearing our 6 year old’s response to the question “What is your favorite poem?”

She recited the poem verbatim. It was impressive on a number of levels.

1)    that the youngest person at the table had memorized a whole poem.

2)   that the poem turned her father speechless and bright red.

3)   that a poem about a highly inappropriate dinner topic (a certain someone’s, ahem, bathroom habits) could inject so much fun into a family dinner.  

I’m not going to reprint the poem here because my fella’s in Vegas this week, and I fear his wrath. It’s fine that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but I want my guy to not stay in Vegas once his sales meeting is over because he’s mad. So use your imagination to envision what the poem was about. And use your credit card to get yourself a “Tabletopics” set.(Available on amazon.com for around $25.)

Tough Love Tuesday & Coach's Legacy Leather Duffle

It’s Tough Love Tuesday here at Guru Girl Inc. There’s no easy way to break the news so I’m just going to say it. The mini backpack must go.

I didn’t even realize this message needed to be spread, but I saw my friend Lisa recently. Lisa is still rocking the mini backpack because she’s declared a fatwa on purses. Yes, she thinks they’re evil.

I actually have another friend named Lisa who also refuses to carry a purse. Maybe it’s something in the name. In fact, all 3 of my friends named Lisa are sporty, natural beauties who don’t sweat the small stuff – pretty much the exact opposite of guru girl here. Why didn’t my parents name me Lisa?! Life would be so much easier, and I would spend so much less on purses.

But I digress… I understand not feeling the big, old Mom purse vibe. But mini backpacks are not the solution. Now, the new Coach cross-body bag? That’s a gold star answer. It’s cute and on-trend, but also comfortable. Sling it on and set off on your day. The Legacy Leather Minnie Duffle is as accessible as a fanny pack but will evoke images of starlets and momshells, not your grandma at Disneyland.

I know the only action my backpack-wearing friend Lisa will take, upon reading this, is laughing her ass off. This is because she dared me to write about it, and also because she delights in horrifying me. Lisa also told me recently that she not only wears cargo pants, she buys them in the boys’ department and actually uses their many pockets… to store all the items she can’t fit in her mini backpack. How can she not see the problem here?!

Part of me thinks Lisa made this last part up, just to see if she could make me spit out my drink as I gasped, but a bigger part of me fears it’s true. She’s all about functional fashion so the cargo pants scenario fits. But fashion need not be funky to be functional. See Exhibit A: Coach’s Legacy Leather Minnie Duffle ($198 at Coach stores).   (Click here to check out further details.)

Editor’s Note: Thanks for the idea, Lisa! It’s unfair you are a Momshell, even with the backpack, but you are!

 

For A Good Time, Call... : Excellent Movie

 

Nikki and I have a good mother-daughter relationship. We spar. We spat. We offer unsolicited advice on hair styles, decorating choices and child & dog rearing. We generally know our boundaries and have code words if one of us is tiptoeing over the line. I’ve been known to shout “Back off North Korea” at her upon occasion. I don’t know if Nikki knows this is my code phrase for “boundary violation” but it is. It makes me feel better to say it, and it usually startles her into silence. Probably because she’s wondering if her daughter has Political Tourette’s Syndrome.

One of my hard limits concerns entertainment featuring sex. I simply can’t discuss it with my mother. We both read the 50 Shades trilogy. Nikki fired off a conversational gambit about it with me, and I North-Korea’d her immediately. Nope, not discussing the red room of pain with my mother.

So it might seem odd that I took my mom to see the indie comedy “For A Good Time, Call…” last week. And it might seem odder still that we both loved it. This movie was written and directed by Seth Rogan’s wife, Lauren Anne Miller. She also stars in the movie as a 20-something forced to move in with Katie, an arch enemy from college. They’re both broke and decide to open a phone sex hotline in order to make rent. They end up making rent and a really great friendship too.

It’s a total “feel good” movie. There’s raunchy content of course and some words that I’m pretty sure neither my mom nor I knew. But that’s what the “urban slang” dictionary is for! At its heart the movie’s about how in our 20s we pine for a romantic relationship with a fella, but it’s the friendships we have with our girlfriends that are the relationships that really sustain us.

And it’s the relationship with our mothers that keep us on our toes! To shake yours up, go see or rent this movie with your own mother. Or quiz her to see how she would define different phrases from the urban slang dictionary. For instance, see if she knows what “gotcha girl” means and then watch her face when you tell her.(Click this link for the definition.) It might be even funnier than “For A Good Time, Call…”  

An Update & An App: The Oracle Of Bacon

I am deeply concerned about the fate of the world.
 
It’s not that some tacky French magazine printed pics of Princess Kate’s ta-ta’s.
 
It’s not the relentless political Robocalls we’re getting each night telling us what a dirtball the other guy is.
 
It’s not even that my neighborhood now offers traditional architecture, mature trees and our very own groper. For the last month some guy has been parking in alleys, running up to women walking the ‘hood and groping them before leaping back into his Toyota and revving off into the afternoon.

None of these disturbing developments upset me as much as the reaction from my post last week about closet cleaning.

This was a before shot of my closet, indicating poor closet management. Multiple readers – all of them close friends or relatives – thought this was an “after” shot of my clean, organized closet.

 

No. It was not. It was a shot of a thoroughly disorganized closet, one which I then spent 2 hours organizing for the “after” shot. I mean, one which I spent 2 hours organizing so that my life could be more manageable every morning. Editor’s note: Surely guru girl would not be so shallow as to do something simply for the sake of posting it on her blog.

 

 

Below is the shot of my organized, updated closet. Look at how much better that is!

In other updates:

-       The 50 Shades poll is done. The result of this also upset me. I am obviously the only one of you watching teeny-bopper shows on a regular basis. There were some funny write-in candidates -- Wolf Blitzer, Brian Williams, Clint Eastwood, Rachel Maddow. They were submitted, I suspect, by the only MSNBC watchers I know, my dad & my politically astute friend Lisa. There were no clear winners and only one clear loser: the CW network, which apparently counts only one viewer over the age of 20: me.

-       I never did get to a me-ality scanner in Chicago so my fashion choices have stayed pretty much the same. Although let me tell you how my fella’s are gonna change.

You know my friend Tanisha? She wasn’t mad about me not reading the “how to blog” book. She wasn’t mad about my 6 year old tormenting her. She was, however, really mad when, a few posts ago, I recommended Tommy Bahama jeans. This caused a veritable flurry of e-mails from Tanisha, none of them good, many of them in ALL CAPS asking if I had LOST MY MIND.

 

So yes, my fella likes the Tommy Bahama jeans, but no, he’s not 60. So I’m going to sneak them out of his closet and replace them with a pair of low-slung “7 For All Mankind”. He will not be comfortable, but he will be hip and will probably spend much of October wandering the house, asking, “Have you seen my favorite jeans?”

Have a great weekend, everyone. If you have some extra time, try my favorite, new time waster: oracleofbacon.org. (Click this link to get to the site.)

It’s the online version of everyone’s favorite game: “Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon”. What’s Winona Ryder’s bacon number? 2. How about Orlando Bloom? Also 2. Log on to find out how.

 

  

The Reason This Will Never Be Purchased

... By Either Of Our Girls. Ever.

 

(Frame available at swoozies.com for around $30.)

 

Bedtime squabbles are my favorite part of the day. Last night the 9 year old came storming into the family room, complaining that the 6 year old (instead of trying to go to sleep) was using a Nerf ball gun to fire Easter eggs filled with jewelry, at her big sister as she was dozing off.

That would be a rude awakening. I’m not a big fan of the alarm clock, but it’s better than an Easter egg being fired at my head.

“You have to put it in toy jail,” the 9 year old fumed, before stomping off to her room.

At our house toy jail means business. Toy jail started when the girls were young. It’s located on a counter just off the kitchen, and it is where the toys of misbehaving girls are imprisoned, usually for a 24 hour period. Wow is it ever effective. The Nerf gun is now in toy jail. The 6 year old saw it this morning and walked past with a mournful look on her face.

“When is it getting out?” she asked sadly.

It’s not like the counter is high. The Dynamic Duo can both reach the item to get it out of jail. But they don’t. Because the concept of toy jail is powerful. (Editor's Note: Dad, you probably shouldn't read the rest of this post.)

Try it at your house. I bet it would even work on husbands and boyfriends. Hopefully they’re not abusing their Nerf ball guns -- if they are, that’s above guru girl’s pay grade -- but if your fella is always leaving his shoes out, put ‘em in toy jail. 24 hours later you can dress up in a sexy jailer outfit for the parole. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade.  

The 1 Item That Trendifies Your Living Space

This morning I snuck into our 9 year old’s room and popped the balloon she nicknamed George. Intentionally. With nail scissors. The 9 year old has been kicking, batting, spiking and punting George around the house. For a week. She loves George. I hate him and all balloons.

 

Balloons are nothing but trouble. From the very first one you give your toddler, on a string, outside, and she lets it go by mistake and watches it drift skyward, tears running down her cheeks. This should tell you something: balloons and children do not mix well. Like soda and pop rocks. It seems like it could be explosive fun, but it’s just a recipe for explosive crying.

 

At our house it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference. “Are you laughing or crying?” my fella and I have been known to ask our offspring. This is why you should take any of my parenting advice with a grain of salt, or maybe a bag of it. Or maybe just file it under the “parenting: what not to do” section of your brain.

 

But here’s the thing: we are responsible for our own happiness. That’s what all the self-help books say. So minimize the objects that instantly put you in a bad mood (see Exhibit A: guru girl, nail scissors and the balloon). Maximize objects that instantly put you in a good mood. Like fresh flowers.

 

I like the $5 or less variety. I like them all in one color, piled in a white vase. They just make me happy. And they don’t cost a lot of money or calories. How many happiness-inducing things can you say this about?

 

I also really like this vase that I put them in. It’s an owl vase, and I think it’s fantastic for many reasons.

 

1)    Owls are having a moment in decorating right now so it’s kind of trendy.

 

2)  The vase is quirky, which is a nice way to undercut the formality of a living room.

 

3)   When you pile a spiky sort of flower in the vase it looks like Don King… if Don King were an owl and had green hair. This fact makes me smile instantly.

 My owl vase vignette cost around $30 ($5 for the flowers, $25 for the vase), but the multiple smiles it brings to my face each day? Priceless.

4 Fashion Faux Pas For Fellas

 

Every quarter I hand out “getting to know you” questionnaires to my college students. It’s typical stuff – where are you from, favorite hobbies etc. If I were completely honest on my own questionnaire, I’d have to list people watching at the airport as one of my favorite hobbies.

 

I love people watching at the airport, and it’s a good thing because I got a good chance to do it yesterday. Specifically all day yesterday when our flight got cancelled, and my fella and I got to spend some quality airport time.

 

I know guys in their 30s and 40s can be sartorially challenged. I know they might not care about fashion or style. This is no excuse. If you leave the house, you are inflicting your fashion on other people. Read on for a quick guide of what to strike from your closet forever.

1.     Shower shoes – Anything striped and plastic is a non-starter. They’re called shower shoes for a reason. You wear them in the shower, not at the terminal for Frontier Airlines.

 

2.    Embellished jeans – News flash: you’re not all up in the club. You’re up in the customer service representative’s face, trying to sweet talk her into letting you fly stand by. If she thinks you’re a club kid trying to make the mile high club in her aircraft it’s not going to help your case.

 

If the back pockets of your jeans have more frosting on them than your kid’s last birthday cake, that’s a problem. There’s a solution for that. They’re called Tommy Bahama jeans, and your wife will thank me if you get a pair.  

3.    Ed Hardy T-shirts – You cannot wear these unless you’ve got a steel horse in the driveway and a sleeve of tattoos… because this is what the Ed Hardy t-shirt suggests when you wear it.

Ed Hardys make guys look like posers. Rock your (non-logo-ed, with collar) shirt with pride. And leave the posing to those fools who think they’re closer to winning the “flying standby” lottery the closer they inch to the jetway.

4.    Jewelry – Any jewelry.

 “What about watches?” says my guy.

Fine.

 “What about wedding rings?”

 Fine.

 “What about those Lance Armstrong plastic bracelets?”

 Fine.

 “What about…”

I had to cut my guy off because he was being almost as annoying as my fellow stand-by passengers.

 
So I didn’t win the flying standby lottery yesterday. But I did win a few other things that I like a lot:

 - an extra night of vacation, courtesy of United Airlines

 - room service, courtesy of United Airlines

 - the privilege of picking the movies my fella and I watch for the next month because I let my guy pick the movie to watch in the hotel last night and he picked “Rock Of Ages” and it was terrible, almost as terrible as the fashion choices of the flying public these days.

5 Easy Ways to 'Just Say No'

Dear Guru Girl,

How can I say “no”? I’m getting asked to do all kinds of stuff. I don’t have time for half of it. How can I say “no” but keep my people-pleasing ways?

Sincerely, Stressed Out Yes-Woman

First off, I feel your pain. I also hate saying “no”, and Peppy Community Ladies (PCLs) are always hitting me up for my mad volunteer skills. But for my sanity, I do say “no”. Here are ways to do it:

1.      The hard no – Must be uttered with a sincere crushed expression. You say,”Shoot. My schedule is booked solid. But thanks for thinking of me.” The “thanks” part is key. It softens the “no” and leaves the interaction on a positive note.

2.    The soft no --  “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

Checking your schedule is just good practice. And when you check it you could conceivably find that the event directly conflicts with your “US Weekly” reading time.

Note: you leave the “US Weekly” part out when you reconnect with PCL to tell her you can’t do it. You just say your schedule is booked. You never explain what exactly it’s booked with, because this just invites PCL to come back at you with how you really can fit her event into your jam packed life. Clearly, PCL has never read “US Weekly” and doesn’t realize how engrossing it is. “US Weekly” reading time can never be shortened.

3.    The partial yes – “I can’t be in charge of the school event/church committee/ neighborhood watch, but I’d be happy to volunteer with the group once it’s off the ground.”

4.    The “Are you nuts?!” look – Give PCL the look. The one your kids know means they’ve stepped over the line, like when each one orders something different for dinner, clearly mistaking you for a short order cook instead of their mother.

5.     Pretend not to speak English – Obviously this works in select circumstances only.

Lastly, banish the guilt. I often say “yes” because PCL also has a lot on her plate, she’s a good person and it’s a good cause. Here’s the thing: there are lots of good causes out there. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you choose to not run the school auction/ head up the church gala/ deliver Meals On Wheels to needy seniors.

It means you’re a person who has many demands on her time, a clear set of boundaries about how she’ll spend her free time and a confidence in her value as a person that she doesn’t have to say “yes” every time she’s asked to join something.

With that said, I do believe it’s important to give back to the world. I have even been PCL on occasion, but it’s important to honestly assess the time you have to give and where it can be best spent. The commitment that comes from this genuine reflection will serve you – and the volunteer group – well. Because you’ll be doing stuff you really care about, not just stuff you got guilt-tripped into.

“No” is a good word. Each week “US Weekly” tells us about times when people should have said “no”.

-         Lindsay Lohan – “No, my kleptomaniac self can’t go to that party where fancy jewelry will be laying around, begging to be picked up.”

-         Kim Kardashian – “No, I can’t be on “Dancing With The Stars”. I really can’t dance.”

-         Dina Eastwood – “No, I can’t do a reality show on E. Americans will start a petition to institutionalize my national treasure of a husband because he clearly lost his mind in marrying me.”

The 1 Hour Task That Will Save You 5 Hours

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds secretly got married this past weekend. They pulled off this hat trick in an age of constant celebrity surveillance.

Way to go Blake and Ryan! They’ve just proved the impossible can be accomplished. Now it’s your turn. You need to confront the impossible in your own life. Yes, I’m talking about your closet. You know it’s bad. Your fella knows it bad. Heck, even your kids know it’s bad if it’s their favorite place to hide during games of “Hide & Seek”. Distasteful fact: They are choosing to hide here because it’s so out-of-control packed that their sibling will never find them.

This is no way to live. Tackle the closet. Here’s how:

1.     Choose one night this week.  Get Subway sandwiches for dinner for the family. This will save you at least an hour in prepping, eating and clean up.

2.    Use this hour to clean your closet.

3.    You know the drill from all those HGTV shows. Go in with 3 bags. They are labeled: donate, mend, not sure about.

4.    Be ruthless. If you haven’t worn a piece in the last year – be honest! – it goes in the “not sure about” bag. You’re going to stash this bag anywhere but your closet. The basement, under the bed, anywhere. It’s going to live here for at least 6 months. This simple act will free you up to really go-to-town because it’s not like you’re saying goodbye to the piece forever, just for 6 months. (Thanks to my friend Tara for this great tip!)

5.    Edit your now-sparse closet. Put clothes from the off-season in one area (or better yet, in an out-of-sight closet/storage if you have it). 

6.    Group shirts together. I get really compulsive about this and even like to cluster them by color. Group pants together, dresses etc. At the end, your closet is going to look like a rack at “The Gap”. Can I get an amen?   

7.    Only at this point can you even consider nipping out to Target to buy matching hangers, storage containers for shoes etc. This is the fun part of organizing. You have to make yourself earn this part by doing the drudgery part first.

8.    Actually schedule it. I know you’re reading this and thinking,” I should really do that. That would save me so much time in figuring out what to wear.” Quit thinking and start doing. Pick up your planner. Find a night, and just do it.

For my own motivation I’m going to include a picture of my own closet here.

 

I’m going to tackle this project myself and post a new and improved picture of it next week in an “update” post. Included will be the results of our “50 Shades” poll and other riveting updates.  

In other celebrity news, Kanye West helped Kim Kardashian clean her closet just last week. Closet cleaning is a drag, but at least you don’t have to do it listening to “Gold Digger” on continuous loop.

The Non Surgical Face Brightener: Mac's Twig Lipstick

 

The ladies on “The Talk” appeared makeup free on t.v. today. Their guest, actress Jamie Lee Curtis, pronounced it groundbreaking t.v. Really? Since when is skipping lipstick a revolutionary act? If so, I’m a regular radical at school drop off on the days I don’t have to work.

But let’s say insurgency isn’t the look you’re after, and you’ve got a few extra seconds. If there’s one product you apply, let it be lipstick. Not just any lipstick, mind you. The Mac lipstick in the “Twig” shade. It is the perfect fall shade.

They’re showing dark wine lipstick this season. Dark wine lipstick makes you look like a vampire. They’re also showing bright pink lipstick. This lipstick makes you look like Strawberry Shortcake. But the Twig lipstick marries both of these trends. It’s a bit darker than your summer shade but still has pinkish warmth. Beauty editors say it’s universally flattering, and I agree. I’ve seen the lipstick on a range of complexions, and it’s brought a sparkle to them all.

Leave the counter-ops to the revolutionaries. Say “yes” to make up and pick up this shade.(Available at Macy's for around $15 and other outlets online, as well as the Mac store at the mall.)

Tanisha's 'I'm not messing around" look

 

This is a picture of my friend Tanisha at the end of her visit to our house yesterday.

Tee hee. Tanisha helps run a fashion empire in New York. (My words, not hers. She is going to kill me for writing that.) But her management skills were nothing in the face of our 6 year old, who immediately before this pic was taken shouted at her,” You’re going down!”

This was before a spirited game of Ladderball, which the 6 year old totally dominated. Probably because she was totally oblivious to Tanisha’s menacing glare. (See above.)

Tanisha got back at us though, by pulling a total Hamlet move, i.e. exacting revenge on the parents by manipulating impressionable offspring. During our dinner entertainment -- a fashion show put on by the Dynamic Duo -- Tanisha kept shouting “angles” and “smize for us”… which she then taught the 6 year old how to do.

It’s good Tanisha is a muckety-muck because when the 6 year old turns into a Honey Boo Boo, I’m forwarding the therapy bills straight to her.

 

 

The Face Of Total Blog Domination

So I’m behind on the six-point social media plan my tech guru Tanisha gave me as homework to expand the blog, oh, three months ago. This didn’t seem like such a big deal considering Tanisha lives in New York, and I rarely see her in person. Except I’m seeing her in the flesh, um, tomorrow, and I’m still behind on the plan, and instead of acting like a responsible person I seem to have reverted to college guru girl.

I am spending the night speed reading the text that I should have started months ago. My head is already spinning (search engine optimization? creative commons licenses? multiplatform offline blog editors?), and I haven’t even drunk my first Red Bull yet.

I feel like it’s the mid-90s. “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” should be on the c.d. player, and I should be writing this on a word processor. Maybe Tanisha will remember we lived through all of these things together, as well as four of the coldest winters in upstate New York on record. In high school I helped score her a hot prom date and re-parked her car during free periods. All with nary a complaint. Well, okay, some complaint.

Which means Tanisha can complain some that I am a flibberty gibbet who’s wasting her valuable advice. But mostly she should tell me stories of her love life that allow me to live vicariously, sample some California rolls and explain (for the twentieth time) how pinterest works. Because this is what friends do. Especially those who remember you still have photographic evidence of them in a bright blue prom dress and the ability to disseminate it to a widespread audience.  

 

Why Prison Dog Programs Work: Fido & the Po Po

So you’re thinking of getting a dog. This is not going to be a Katy Perry/John Mayer relationship, i.e. done-in-the-blink-of-an-eye. Ideally, you and the dog are going to have more Faith Hill/Tim McGraw action going on, i.e. still-making-goo-goo-eyes-at-each-other-after-all-a-these- years. Where should you get the dog?

There are 2 great options to explore. I’m a big believer in rescue groups. We got our first dog from Golden Retriever Rescue of the Rockies, and he was wonderful. (Editor’s note: Yes, I thought he was my reincarnated husband too. I think in previous lives I was married a lot.) Rescue groups are often breed-specific, and they’re dedicated to finding new homes for their dogs who have been left homeless due to a variety of circumstances.

The great thing about these dogs is they’re fostered by families until they are placed so the rescue volunteers know a lot about their temperaments, i.e. good with kids, bad with cats etc.

The down side is that some rescue groups have incredibly high standards. You have to fill out a questionnaire, they interview you, and they won’t consider you as an adoptive family if you don’t meet some of their qualifications, say, you don’t have a fence that’s at least 6 feet high. Some rescue groups even require you to sign a pledge that you won’t leave your dog alone in the back yard if you’re not home. I think their hearts are in the right place, but some of their requirements can seem excessive.

Another great option is a prison dog program. It’s not what it sounds like. The dogs aren’t prisoners. They’re just trained by them. These programs are available at prisons across the United States, from Maine to Montana.

Here’s how they work: the prison dog program rescues a dog from the pound. It pairs the dog up with a prisoner who then lives with the dog, in his cell, and trains Fido for a 4-8 week period. At the end of the training, the dog gets matched with an owner. The result? Happy dog whose been saved from possible euthanasia. Happy owner who receives a dog already trained to heel, sit, potty outside etc.

These dogs are more expensive, typically in the $400 range, but you save money and time because you don’t have to attend any training courses with the dog. And you save aggravation because you get a dog whose well suited to your lifestyle.

If you’re interested in adopting a prison dog, you visit the prison website, which has dozens of pictures of available dogs, along with a short description about their temperaments. These descriptions are spot-on because they’re written by the trainer/prisoner whose been roommates with the dog for the last 2 months. Often they read like an ad on E Harmony because they're written in the first person, i.e. “I enjoy walks, swimming and rides in the car. I also like men, women and beef jerky.”

We got Stanley, our current dog, from a prison group here in Colorado. Rules vary, but through the Colorado program you can select two dogs who you want to meet in person. Then you drive out to the prison, meet the dogs and decide which one is for you. The prison visit is quite the experience, especially if you take a 3 and 6 year old with you, as I did. But that’s an adventure I’ll recount another day.

In short, Stanley is a great dog. Not once has he lunged for a throat, as my twisted friend Jamie predicted. “I bet you’ll say something innocuous like “popcorn”, and he’ll go for your throat.” Those were Jamie’s exact words when I told her about Stanley’s training at the prison. Jamie is clearly a sick and twisted person who took glee in the fact that I was nervous for a full year anytime someone in the house uttered the word “popcorn”.  

Don’t be a hater like Jamie. Embrace the love a dog brings into your life. This link is to the “personals” page for the dogs at Colorado’s K-9 Companion Program. The descriptions will make your day. (Colorado K-9 Companions.)If you’re interested in these sorts of programs, type in “prison dog program” into any search engine and dozens will come up.

 

They also train ill-behaved puppies at many prisons. You drop your nutso puppy off and 6 weeks later get her back. This is a pic of my parents' ill-trained puppy who "vacationed" at the prison and came back a new dog.

Reincarnation & The Family Dog

Confession: Part of me thinks our dog is the reincarnated version of my husband from a previous life. There’s a religious philosophy, the African Vodun, whose followers believe that in each life we’re surrounded by the same collection of souls. They just have different shells. So your husband from 1750 comes back as your brother in 2010. Your mom in 1602 comes back as your daughter in 1809. (Editor’s note: I’ll bet she’s still just as full of advice.) So I’m not alone in this belief. I have religious theory backing me up. Just not widely believed religious theory.  

This weekend the dog woke up early and started whining and pacing around. My fella actually got up and went downstairs to let the dog out. When he opened the door though, the dog was nowhere to be found. Where was the dog? Snuggling in bed with me. As soon as my guy got out of bed, the dog jumped into bed, whereupon he cuddled with me for the next hour, his bladder “emergency” disappearing as suddenly as it came on. Clearly, my husband from a previous life not only loved me a lot, he was wily. 

So if you’re thinking of getting a dog in the near future, you’ve got to give it some thought. You can’t just go to a random pet store and get the cutest one. It might not be the right soul. Even if you think this reincarnation business is mumbo-jumbo nonsense (as I believe my fella might), it’s still wise to put some thought into where you get this new dog. Tune in tomorrow for two great tips on where to get trained and terrific dogs!

Today’s tip -- Next time you’re tempted to just flush the stupid goldfish, think twice.

                                                  Stanley, my husband -- I mean, dog

Dumpster Diving: Family Bonding At Its Best

 The Dynamic Duo experienced a first this weekend when they went on their very first dumpster diving mission. The 6 year old didn’t understand the concept and kept saying, “But I don’t want to steal a car with you guys.” How she got “steal a car” out of “liberate a credenza” I’ll never know. But she was excellent in the getaway car. Kept a good watch and a tight lip. Although the latter could have been from the lollipop we bribed her with.

I have loved dumpster diving ever since I lived in Boston as a grad student and experienced the bounty of goods departing college students leave in city alleys every May. Over the years I’ve scored a brass headboard, a leather chair and now a fab console. I’ve never actually jumped into a dumpster, but I’m game for a good alley-scrounge any day.

Our weekend mission netted us this outstanding console that will look fantastic when spruced up with a coat of bright orange paint. I love spray paint only slightly more than bark chips and my fella. In that order.

Spray paint is cheap, easy and it hides a multitude of sins. Kind of like spray tans. Plus you get to feel kind of dangerous when you buy it because they keep it locked up at the hardware store so you have to request the case be opened for you. Mental note: Dress like your very perkiest, home improving self on the day you buy spray paint and leave the gang colors at home or the hardware store guy might not sell to you.

The next time you’re at a garage sale/estate sale/walking down your alley keep the virtues of spray paint in mind. If a piece of furniture has good bones, nab it. Spray paint fixes an old, banged around piece right up, kind of like the spray tan does for me every June and also for Marie Osmond when she did “Dancing With The Stars” that season. If it’s good enough for me and Marie, you gotta give it a try.  

 

A Crate & Barrel console similar to the one we found. This baby won't require sanding and spray painting but it does require a whole lot of pennies ($1,499 to be exact).

 

5 Fab Reads, Including In The Garden Of Beasts

Modern rules of civility should include nodding hello to the neighbors, not talking about bodily afflictions on your cell phone when at Target and holding the door for the elderly. Back in the day though, there were a whole lot more rules. Specifically in 1920s, pre-Depression New York there were myriad rules. And that’s the picture the book Rules Of Civility strives to paint about a girl with gumption who falls for a boy of means. It’s fizzy and fun, depicting jazz age New York, and it delves deeper than typical flapper gal stereotypes. All is not as it seems in the fizzy champagne.

It’s an examination of social class, social striving and the emptiness even the most glittering of shells hides. It’s interesting, but it doesn’t grab you by the heart. Because at its heart it’s about a relationship between a girl and her fella, and this part doesn’t quite ring true. (It’s by Amor Towles and available for around $11 on amazon.)

 

I liked it, but it wasn’t unputdownable, which is what my current read is turning out to be. In The Garden Of The Beasts is a non-fiction account of one American family’s experience in Berlin when Hitler first assumed control of Germany. I don’t love non-fiction. I don’t love history books. But this one is different. It goes into enough detail that you feel like you’re there. And it helps answer the question that’s been asked so many times since the days of Hitler’s reign: Why didn’t people see the evil that was coming and stop him before it started?                                                  

There’s a phrase “the banality of evil”. It means that evil seldom marches in, trumpeted by horns. Instead it creeps in subtly, through small actions and choices. This book is a riveting account of those actions and their tragic cost.(By Erik Larson; available on amazon. com for around $11.)  

Other book recommends:

- The Dogstars – Hig is a pilot in a post-Apocalyptic world where almost everyone has died from a flu epidemic. It’s a story about what makes Hig survive. It’s not his gun-toting neighbor, but the humanity Hig rediscovers in his own soul. 

- The Watchers – My friend Pam says it’s positively Da Vinci Code-ish.

- The Story of Beautiful Girl – If you liked the book Memory Keeper’s Daughter from a few years ago, you’ll like this one. A baby is born and left with a widowed school teacher on her farm. What does she do with the newborn? Why was the infant left? The answer is exoneration and indictment both.