Get Your Glow On: Vaseline Spray & Go Moisturizer

The invention of spray-on sunscreen was a game changer at chez guru girl. Summer mornings no longer resemble the steer-wrestling event at the rodeo. This is because the sprayed on version of sunscreen is so much better than the lotion form that the Dynamic Duo happily stand still for the daily application.

Imagine this nirvana for yourself and daily moisturizing, a process which I know many of you skip because, like me, each morning you’re trying to get everyone else ready and out of the house too. Who cares about their own moisturized arms and legs when the first grader seems to have forgotten pants?!

In winter, this is fine rationale. Now however, it is spring, and that rationale has got us looking scaly, not supple. And the spring fashion magazines say scaly is on trend for your bag, not your leg.

Luckily, there is a remedy, and it is just as quick as spray-on sunscreen. Because it’s spray-on moisturizer for your body. It’s called Vaseline Spray & Go Moisturizer. You spritz yourself with this light mist, and it absorbs faster than the winning couple breaks up on “The Bachelor”. Actually, even faster because the company promises no greasy residue on your clothes. Score! Am off to Target now to score myself some of this moisturizer and some Easter candy too. Happy Spring, indeed! It’s available for around $8 at drugstores. (Click this link to find Vaseline Spray & Go Moisturizer on overstock.com.)

The Family Ski Vacation & Other Spring Break Tips

Proof there is a God, and he/she has a killer sense of humor: family ski vacations.

I’m on one now. And someone has to be getting a kick out of the chaos.

That someone isn’t my fella, who we’ve nicknamed Ski Butler. The ski butler gets a particularly grim look on his face each morning as he becomes a buckling/zipping/tightening/toting dervish, in an attempt to get us all ski ready.

I might also not be enjoying the chaos as much as I should, mostly because my body has been awash in fear. Our first day out it was beautiful, the Dynamic Duo were in ski school, the Ski Butler was on a conference call for work, and I had a morning on the slopes to myself.

I became so excited that I hurried to the nearest lift and jumped on. Thirty seconds into the ride, on the bouncing ski lift with no safety bar, I remembered my fear of heights.

My fear of heights is something of a new development, kind of like sun damage. So even though I grew up riding this rickety, old ski lift, fear had never been a factor. Now, however, fear seems to be the only factor. I sat there alone, with heart racing, ears thrumming and one thought screaming through my mind, “MUST GET OFF THIS LIFT IMMEDIATELY.”

Not really an option. Because having a full-fledged panic attack on the lift wasn’t really a good option either, I focused on the tree line and sang “You Are My Sunshine” the entire way up the mountain. Out loud.

Obviously, since I’m typing this, I made it. And the vacation continues to get better. I found a nice, low ski lift that works just fine for me. The ski butler’s skills are growing too. Yesterday the boot buckles were so tight no one’s boot fell off with the ski still attached, a big difference from the previous day.

Yesterday something else unthinkable happened: the Dynamic Duo didn’t want to get off the mountain. That’s how much fun they were having… with us, their panic-attack-having, grim faced parents!

That’s something else that comes with age: how thrilled you are when your kids are thrilled. Not by a new video game or outfit. But when your kids are thrilled by something you’ve done together as a family, you feel like you’ve won the lottery.

And maybe that’s what God intended when he designed family ski vacations. Or maybe he was just up for some comic relief… which the guru girl crew has provided in spades this week.

Happy spring break, guru girls & guys!

12 Titles That Aren't Dostoyevsky & You'll Like A Lot More

I have a confession that brings me shame. Sometimes I buy the books that are recommended in “People” magazine. This is a terrible thing, I know, and it may get me kicked out of the intelligentsia. Or at least viewed with disdain by my serious reader friends.

Here’s the thing: A lot of the time “People” book recommendations are pretty good. Just like they have a nose for figuring out which celebs are getting horizontal, “People” has a nose for decent books. We’re not talking War and Peace here, but if you’re looking for decent literary fiction, you could do worse. I read Truth In Advertising (reviewed earlier), and I just finished The Good House, because “People” recommended them. Both were good books. Not popcorn. Not Dostoyevsky. Somewhere in between.

Neither has made it onto my list of favorites. Which include:

- Life of Pi

- Bel Canto

- Cold Mountain

- I Capture The Castle

- Middlesex

- Everything Is Illuminated

- The Time Traveler’s Wife

- In The Fall

- The History Of Love (by Krauss)

- The Miracle Life Of Edgar Mint

- Fluke

- Cutting For Stone

But if, like me, you often take a break between bigger reads, check out “People” recommends for a good in-betweener book. You can do this while waiting in line at the grocery store. Peruse “People” magazine’s book page instead of getting suckered in by the Enquirer headline. No good can come from trying to figure out which celebrity has ballooned in size, been snapped at the beach and had her head blurred out beneath the headline “Guess Who This Is?” But a lot of good can come from checking out “People”, like reading The Good House by Ann Leary for instance.

1 Step To A Happier Dog: Green Interactive Feeder

I have friends who arrange play dates for their dogs. I have difficulty being organized enough to arrange play dates for my kids. So I admire this level of dedication. But I’m unlikely to find it within myself anytime soon, despite the fact that our dog is clearly bored and compulsive. So I like when magazines offer a solution I can buy. Like this one I just read about: the Green Interactive Feeder!

This gizmo is like a puzzle for dogs. You hide Fido’s kibble in it, and he has to search it out piece by piece. This is a winner on two fronts:

 

 1) It helps prevent the “growing problem of pet obesity”. This is according to the product’s inventors. (Really? This is a problem we should be worried about?)

 2) It keeps your pet entertained.

Personally, I would be really annoyed if my fella made me find my food every time he whipped up a meal for me, but that’s exactly what I’m going to do for Stanley, our dog. The interactive feeder promises to engage him mentally, quiet his anxiety and slim him down.

Actually, these benefits are exactly what I need. Why don’t they make this sort of stuff for people?! It’s available on amazon.com for $31.50. (To learn more about the Green Interactive Feeder on amazon.com, click this link.) 

Best Book Ever: "Wonder" by Palacio

I love inspirational sayings. The only thing that stops me from embroidering my favorites and framing them is that it’s a weird, old lady thing to do (and also I don’t know how to embroider). But I’m all about a good precept.

I recently came across a great one in, of all places, a kid’s book. It said, “Your deeds are your monuments.”

This, by itself, was interesting. Then it got even more so. The book’s hero, 12 year old Auggie, wrote a paragraph about what these words meant to him. Here’s what Auggie wrote: 

“This precept means that we should be remembered for the things we do. The things we do are the most important things of all. They are more important than what we say or what we look like. The things we do outlast our mortality. The things we do are like monuments that people build to honor heroes after they’ve died. They’re like the pyramids that the Egyptians built to honor the pharaohs. Only instead of being made out of stone, they’re made out of the memories people have of you. That’s why your deeds are like your monuments. Built with memories instead of with stone (Palacio, 2012, p. 65).”

Wow. These words of wisdom are from the book Wonder by R.J. Palacio. The book is about Auggie, a child with a severe facial deformity. What happens to Auggie when he hits 6^th grade and attends school for the first time? What does the experience teach Auggie, his family and his classmates about the choices that unite and divide us?

It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. The resident 10 year old loved it too. She had to check a copy out of her school library just so we could read it at the same time. Because neither one of us wanted to put it down. That’s how easy it was to read and yet buried in those pages were some really great insights. About courage and friendship and pressure and change.

It’s one of those books that’s special. It would work for kids as young as 3^rd grade. And the dialogue it’ll inspire at your house? Ageless. Because these topics are just as relevant at 40 as they are at 14. We can’t control friendship, pressure or change. But we can control our choices, the decisions that determine what our personal monument looks like. (Click this link to learn more about "Wonder" by Palacio on amazon.com, where you can purchase it for around $9.)

2 Ways To Beat Common Kitchen Problems

This is me in Disneyworld, with poultry that made me laugh instead of wince.

 

I believe there’s nothing worse than touching raw chicken. This is one of the reasons I could never be a surgeon. A little thing called SAT scores would be the other reason. Human body parts can’t be that different from the chicken thighs I just got at the grocery store.

This is the sort of thing I think about as I cut open the chicken package and arrange the slimy pieces on the baking sheet.

It is absolutely disgusting. And yet it’s a task I do every single week because chicken is a dinner staple. There has to be a better way. So I gave it some thought: What is it about the process that really repulses me? How could I make it better?

I came up with the solution just this morning, thanks to the twisted thinking that had me pondering surgeons who have to touch slimy things like hearts. Surgeons wear disposable gloves.

I could also wear disposable gloves! I could order them up online and keep a box of them in my kitchen. In fact, as soon as I post this blog entry, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. (If you want to do so too, click this link to go to amazon.com where you can get a box of 500 disposable gloves for around $12.)

Think about a task you dread. Break it down. What is it exactly that makes you hate it? How could you minimize this part? Do it, and don’t worry if it makes you look silly. (How is anyone going to know? Unless you’re foolish enough to write a blog and offer it up as “expertise”?)

I also hate cutting up onions because the process makes my eyes burn. Now I buy my onions pre-cut, which is a little spendy, but when I was a newlywed-on-a-budget I kept my snorkel goggles in a kitchen drawer and would wear them when cutting up onions. It worked great, and the only downside I had to endure was a little teasing from my fella. 

Don’t let life’s chores get you down, guru girls & guys. Apply some creativity and tackle them with gusto (and/or ask your friends what they do). The “phone a friend” option is also very good when your creativity well is running dry.    

Movie Review: "Side Effects"

I’m not one for pretty boy actors. And if their off screen hijinks include lame treatment of women? They’re off my hunk list forever. This is why I’ve never been a big fan of Jude Law.

But I am a big fan of date night at the movies, which is where I found myself yesterday, confronted by a terrible slate of films, except one, less terrible option: “Side Effects”. This movie stars Jude Law and that other pretty boy actor I just don’t like the look of: Channing Tatum. The movie was billed as a suspenseful thriller. It was showing at the right time. My fella and I were in.

 

The movie is indeed suspenseful and thrilling. It also provided us with a first in our relationship. I hate onscreen violence so when it’s happening I watch my fella’s face instead of the movie. When the bad part’s over he gives me the nod to go back to watching. Last night my fella gave me the nod and what do you know? The most violent part happened, right before my eyes. It was that unexpected and shocking!

 

It’s a good thing I wasn’t the one holding the Raisinettes. I was so startled I would have dropped them for sure. I did this once, in Boston, and spent the remainder of the movie scrunched up, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce on my seat, because I was sure Boston rats would be at my feet, nibbling on the spilled Raisinettes and possibly my toes.

 

This was the kind of creeped out feeling I got from the movie “Side Effects”. The movie’s about a depressed gal (Roonie Mara) and what happens when the drugs prescribed to help her end up hurting her. This is the kind of movie that keeps you guessing about who’s bad, who’s good and what in the heck the director was thinking in casting Channing Tatum as a genius financier. One who wears twerpy hats and white buckskin shoes. Clearly, the wardrobe lady for this film isn’t going to be nabbing any Oscars. Neither are any of the actors.

 

Because the film’s not exactly high art. But it does engage you and make you thankful if the extent of your mental fogginess is an inability to remember where you left the car keys. Because poor Roonie Mara can’t remember much about the car keys or anything else really. Is her malfunctioning brain to blame? Her medication? Her therapists? Pharmaceutical marketing campaigns?

 

There are lots of indictments here. Kind of like the “Women Tell All” episode on “The Bachelor”. And though that’s not high art either, sometimes that’s just what you’re in the mood for.

How To Be A Fortune 500 Family

 

Those Catholic folks are on to something. The way they use colored smoke to indicate how things are going at the Vatican talks? Ingenius! We could adopt a similar measure here at chez guru girl. If so, every Sunday night you’d see black smoke pouring from our chimney too. This would indicate the status of our recently-instituted “family meeting”.

 

We started this practice 2 weeks ago, after I read an article that said families who do an official, family meeting are officially happier. In the family meeting you are supposed to have each person share what worked well for them in the previous week and what didn’t work so well. There is to be no arguing or shouting, “That’s stupid”.  Everyone’s voice is heard, and in the upcoming week all are to tweak the behaviors that drove everyone else crazy.

This is how the family meeting works in theory. Here’s how it worked in real life. We went around in a circle and shared. The “worked well” category rocked. Lots of smiles and high fives. The “didn’t work so well” category” was trickier. It was hard not to dispute the facts as presented by the 9 year old. It was really, really hard to nod respectfully and not shout, “That’s stupid”. But we did it. Both my fella and I role modeled our asses off.

 

Then it was my turn. I presented my pluses (there were many) and one very big minus. My minus was that the Dynamic Duo need lots of attention and help with, oh, a billion things. Over the past week, it felt like there was a “mom, can you…” request lobbed at me every 3 minutes. I suggested – in a kind and gentle manner --  that the Dynamic Duo could be more independent. I pointed out they are 7 and 9 years old, mature enough to do some of these things for themselves and to demonstrate patience for other requests.

There was a moment of silence and then the 9 year old burst into tears. “You think we’re bad kids,” she sobbed. Huh. The article didn’t say this would happen.  

Despite our rocky start, we’re going to stick with the family meeting. I can see how it shows that all of our voices matter. It also gives us all a feeling of ownership over our family and how it runs. 

There’s a new movement that suggests families borrow from corporations strategies that make the work world run better, with greater employee satisfaction. They’re all detailed in a book called The Secrets Of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler. This book also recommends brainstorming a family mission statement. It’s like a manifesto to be referred to when challenges crop up. (Click this link to see "The Secrets Of Happy Families" by Bruice Feiler at amazon.com.)

I don’t even want to guess the kind of mission statement the Dynamic Duo would come up with for us. Although I’m pretty sure those two would include potty humor as a family value. With adult guidance, I think the mission statement idea is a good one. As parents we impart values to our kids every day. They’re often unspoken. Honesty, responsibility, kindness, communication, service.

Family meetings and mission statements bring our values out into the open. You talk about them, and you evaluate: Did we “walk the talk” this week? If not, reset (and comfort the sobbing family member). If so, do a happy dance and keep it up.

Give the family meeting/mission statement thing a try. You’ll be on your way to being a Fortune 500 Family in no time.

What Break Ups & Cute Flats Have In Common

Puma zandy mesh flats

Patagonia Maha flats

Some people focus on the magical moments at Disneyworld. I myself focus on the footwear. Because I am obsessed. With comfortable yet cute shoes. Nothing requires these kinds of kicks like Disneyworld. So, a few weeks ago, while the Dynamic Duo searched the crowd for Disney characters I searched the crowd for fashionably dressed moms and the shoes they sported. There were lots! My fella had to stop me from taking surrepticious foot photos. He said it wasn’t good line etiquette.

 Luckily, there is zappos.com, which has photos of all these shoes AND videos with peppy ladies demonstrating how cute the shoes are in real life (love these!).

Here are some tips before you go on a shoe shopping mission:

1.      Think about where you’re going to wear the new shoes. Is it to your 9-to-5 gig? Date night with your fella? Soccer field Saturdays?

2.    Buy the kind of shoes appropriate to the cause. Be ruthlessly honest. Stiletto heels aren’t going to cut it for Soccer Saturday. Or date night either if your date nights usually consist of the 5 o’clock movie and Chipotle afterward (ah, bliss!)

3.    Buy shoes for the life you lead in reality, not the life you lead in your fantasies, a mythical land where walking around an amusement park, for 6 hours, in platform sandals, won’t cause pain, grumpiness and an unkind desire to kick your spouse who is happily sporting sneakers.

4.    Visualize at least 3 outfits that will compliment your new shoes. If you can’t think of 3 outfits, these are not good “bang for your buck” shoes. They will sit in your closet far more than they will sit on your feet. Put them back on the rack.

5.      Don’t buy the shoes unless you love them right off the bat. If you’re undecided, put them back. Tell yourself you’ll come back next week to get them if they’re still on your mind. 

This advice also applies to breakups and boyfriends. If you’ve done the soul searching and decided he’s not for you, put the boyfriend back on the shelf. If you’re still pining for him a week later you can always revisit the idea. The breakup isn’t forever, just for now. That idea, and some really cute, new shoes, will get you through the hardest part of a breakup: the first week.

 

Surprisingly, the things that will get you through the hardest part of a Disneyworld week are exactly the same: attitude and some cute, new shoes. Shop with swagger, guru girls!

 

(Images via zappos.com)

The Nap Junkie & Amazing Grace

I am craving a nap like a junkie needs a hit. Daylight savings is kicking my a$$. The Dynamic Duo? Not so much. The 9 year old is practicing her recorder. Loudly.  The 7 year old is writing in her diary and drawing mean pictures of her sister, a fact that hasn’t been discovered yet by the injured party.

These things just make my need for a nap that much greater. The need is coursing through my body. I can almost feel the way my dopamine levels will soar after that sweet slumber hits. But first a negotiation must be brokered.

“Mommy’s going to take a nap. I don’t want to be disturbed unless there’s vomit or blood,” I say.

“What about a twisted ankle?” queries the 7 year old.

“No,” I respond.

“What about a growing pain?” asks the 9 year old.

No.

“What about…”

I cut them off, “Vomitting or blood. That’s it.”

“Okay,” they agree.

I am elated and race up the stairs, which is when I hear the 7 year old ask her sister, “What’s vomitting?”

There is no answer. Only the off-key, recorder notes of “Amazing Grace”, which I'm taking as a good sign.  

Some Clarification About Darts & Deeds

I am so tired of hearing about Anne Hathaway’s headlights. So the girl wore a poorly darted dress. It’s not like she got up onstage at the Oscars and murdered some puppies. Which is the kind of debauchery you’d think she committed, based on the level of outcry from those talking head fashionistas.

It got so bad that Anne actually apologized to the dress designer for wearing his gown badly. If Anne had to apologize, I’d better issue some mea culpa’s too. Only my list of fashion “sorry’s” would go on much too long. Let’s just say, I was an early and enthusiastic supporter of the harem pant trend back in the 90s, and my fashion abuse has continued ever since.

So instead I’m going to focus on the transgressions I’ve committed here on the blog.

1.      Beyonce is fine. Holy cow did I get feedback on that post. I was, perhaps, a bit harsh in my assessment. Beyonce has clearly accomplished some great things, although starring in a riveting documentary is not one of them. Seriously? That documentary about her? Better than Ambien. How did that just happen? More Beyonce bashing from guru girl?! Clearly, I have a problem.

2.    The gel manicures I recommended this fall? Not so good. Yes, gel manicures look fantastic, but scientists just discovered that the machine, which hardens the gel on your nails, also emits potentially cancer-causing rays. Allegedly. They didn’t do the study before releasing the product, but now they have. Magnificent manicures aren’t worth it, ladies. Just say no.

 

3.    Enabling the anonymous comment button on my blog? Not a good choice. Mostly because the comments section blew up with feedback from Beyonce fans after I hated on her. No, not really. I had to disable the “anonymous comment” feature because I was getting lots of nonsensical comments from autobot bloggers. Now you can comment on guru girl, but you’ve gotta register first. Apparently, registering keeps the autobots out.

Consider registering and commenting. You don’t have to use your real name. My fella, TN1970, hasn’t, but my powers of deductive reasoning are so great that I was able to figure out who he was. Truthfully? I will never be able to do this again as my powers of deductive reasoning are actually not that great. I offer as proof the Rubic’s cube from the 1980s that I still can't figure out.

I’m sure there are other blogging sins I’ve committed, but I’ve got some papers to grade and fashion faux pa’s to plan for the upcoming weekend. Hope you have a good one, guru girls & guys!

This is me & the Lint Lizard that just came in the mail. This is a really great product and one recommend I don't have to apologize for. It works great & probably won't kill you.

Rock It Like The FLOTUS: Bango Tango Bangs

 

Bangs are having a moment. The humble bang has positively transformative properties, from helping you look younger (they disguise forehead wrinkles) to helping you look trendy (if Kim Kardashian is sporting them, which she is, you know it’s a craze). Here’s what the style gurus don’t tell you: once you’re tired of your bangs, you have to grow them out.

This is also a positively transformative experience, in the sense that it transforms you into a quivering mass of bitterness with really bad hair. For the entire 6 months it takes you to grow out the damn bangs. Trust me. I did this. A long time ago, and the experience still haunts me.

But what if, you’re not as brave as Michelle Obama, and you want to change it up but don’t want to pay the price later? Get yourself some fake hair!

Seriously, this measure is endorsed by reputable outlets, not just gimmick lovers like guru girl. This month’s “Shape” magazine had this terrific tip: give the trend a try by purchasing some fake bangs. They recommend: Bango Tango Clip-In Blunt Bangs from Dancing With The Stars. (Click on this link to go to voguewigs.com where you can get them for $22.) "Shape" recommends trying extensions.com as well.

It turns out fake hair isn’t just for the Victorians anymore or those bright orange bodies on “Dancing With The Stars”. You too can give it a whirl.  Rock it like the FLOTUS, girls!

Great Read: "Truth In Advertising" by John Kenney

Country music star Blake Shelton is a cheating dog. Allegedly. Recent reports suggest his hit song “God Gave Me You” should actually be titled “God Gave Me You… And A Cute, Young Brunette”. His wife -- country music star and all round bad ass -- Miranda Lambert is going to have to set Blake straight.

Here’s another fella in the “needs to be scared straight” category: Finn Dolan, the hero of the novel Truth In Advertising. Finn is pushing 40 and – as an advertising executive – a bunch of shoddy products too. Finn’s a good guy. Funny, self-deprecating and deeply conflicted about many things, including his treatment of women, which includes a fiance whom he recently jilted.

Finn has some growing up to do, but (unlike Blake Shelton) no gun-toting wife to “motivate” him to change his ways. Don’t get me wrong. Finn has some catalysts for change. In particular, the death of his estranged father is an experience that forces Finn to connect the events of his past with his frozen heart present.

Author John Kenney expertly skewers the glamorous world of Manhattan advertising by peeling away the layers of artifice, until we see the surprising core. Finn’s ad world is filled with people expert in crafting illusion but with no knowledge of the emotional truth that makes life as enriching as our favorite commercials suggest.

 

“The truth will set you free” is an old adage and one Finn finally embraces. When he does, we, the reader, feel like cheering. Kind of like the reaction many of us will have if and when pics of Blake Shelton, with buckshot in his buns, surface on TMZ. (Click this link for "Truth In Advertising" by John Kenney on amazon.com. It's available for around $13.)

Budget Talk Strategy

I’m preparing myself for the budget talk with my fella. He recently told me we had to have one.  I’m putting together exhibits to show how thrifty I really am. I need to do this because I know my fella’s putting together spreadsheets to show how thrifty I really am not.

 

 Exhibit A: The new bookshelf.

Cost? Free.

Because I found it in the alley. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, and all that.

Savings? $800.

 

Exhibit B: My Christmas present to myself, from my fella.

 Cost? Not so much.

Because though it looks like a fabulous, original work I actually got it at “Z Gallerie”. AND I saved all shipping and handling fees by buying it at the mall and walking it home myself. I did this because it was too big to fit in the car.

Okay, full disclosure: I walked the painting almost all the way home. That baby was heavy, so I actually walked it several blocks before the wind picked up, and I became fearful that my painting would act like a sailboat and sail us both right into traffic. That’s when I called my dad to come pick me and the painting up.

 

Which he did. Literally. I drove the car while my dad sat on the tailgate and held onto the painting for dear life. I don’t have a picture of this because my dad was yelling the whole time that I’d better not put this in my blog. The painting doesn’t look any worse because of its adventure home, and my wallet looks a whole lot better. My relationship with my dad? I’ll let you know after he reads this post.

Savings? $50.

 

Exhibit C: Dog Pictured Above.

Stanley is a rescue dog from a shelter. I believe supporting charities of this nature is actually a tax write-off so we probably made money on the dog purchase.

Savings? A lot. Unless you count losses in the form of the people food Stanley regularly eats, like steak we’ve just grilled and the beef jerky favored by the 7 year old.

 

Exhibit D: Gas Bill From Yesterday. 68 dollars! This is simply wrong, and I do not believe should be counted against me as it’s not my fault gas costs as much as a pair of Manolo Blahniks these days.

 

I am ready for the trial, guru girls & guys. All I need is a little “Good Wife” viewing and lawyer lingo, and I’m all set.