Pim & Larkin: Fashion "Do"

When I am bored or not able to sleep, I redecorate houses in my mind. Mostly I concentrate on houses I’ve lived in, like our starter house or past apartments. This is a little weird, but it keeps me entertained and costs nothing.

My friend Sevi has, unwittingly, unleashed a similar phenomenon in me. Recently, Sevi offered up the idea that she was thinking of cutting in bangs. The group erupted. Everyone had opinions about what Sevi should do with her hair. Here’s why: Sevi is stunning. She could have, basically, no hair and still be stunning. So all our advice was guaranteed to be good.

There’s nothing worse than offering advice that turns out to be stunningly bad, as when I told my friend she just had to adopt a well behaved, prison-trained dog. And then the dog she adopted tried to kill her cat. I still feel terrible about that, so I’ve tried to reign myself in on the advice-giving front.

But I can’t help doing it in my mind. Which is what I did this weekend when I stumbled across a new clothing brand: Pim & Larkin. They have the cutest clothes. They’re J.Crew-ish but more streamlined and easier on the wallet. Which means you could buy lots of them. Which is exactly what I think Sevi should do.

You see I can’t be getting them myself as this weekend my fella ominously told me we should talk about “the budget”. Am pretty sure our budget talk will not include a brand new wardrobe for me from Pim & Larkin. But someone should have a brand new wardrobe from Pim & Larkin. Their clothes are just that cute. So, in my mind, that someone should be Sevi. Because they’re exactly her style and so non-budget-busting. (Everyone will think so, except possibly Sevi’s husband.)

Anyway, here are my top picks for Sevi and anyone else whose fella is not currently frowning and uttering that terrible “b” word (“b” for budgets, of course.) All available at piperlime.com. (Click this link to go to piperlime.com where you can check out more Pim & Larkin finds.)

cashmere sweater $69

tee $59. How cute would this be with a chunky, orange necklace? You can get 'em for a song at Target.

 

 

The peplum top is very on-trend. ($59) With skinny jeans and flats? Talk about momshell!

 

(Images from piperlime.com)

 

The Burn Through Your "To Do" List Workout

 

My a$$ is killing me. I blame this condition on yesterday’s snow day, which meant the Dynamic Duo stayed home from school, which meant guru girl stayed home from the gym. Because the only thing more painful than a gym workout is a gym workout with the Dynamic Duo in tow, fighting over the ipad and asking how much longer it’s going to be.

So I did a home workout, only it’s been so long since I’ve done a home workout that I couldn’t find my Jillian Michaels workout DVD, which truth be told I’ve probably hidden on purpose. Because that workout is a killer, and I like my workouts on the light, “look at her glow” side, not the perspire-buckets-and-shred-your-abs side.

Instead I did a workout that I tore from the pages of “Self” magazine months ago. It had two sections, one titled “burn” and the other titled “firm”. I did both.

This was foolish. I don’t think I’m going to be doing any more burning or firming for a really long time. That’s how much pain I’m in. So, in the end, this crazy workout will probably make me gain weight. My fella is a glass-half-full type, and he says this aftermath I’m suffering means the workout really worked.  

The things I liked about this workout were:

a)   it’s speedy, under 40 minutes

 b) it’s not complicated to follow, unlike some of those workouts where you see the picture of the girl doing it and are totally mystified

 c) it requires no other gear

So really it’s a “no excuses” kind of workout. This is exactly the kind I myself need. So give it a try. Maybe don’t do the “burning” and “firming” steps on the same day. And perhaps don’t kick with quite as much gusto as I did. Then maybe you will be able to move pain-free the next day.

If not, and you suffer the same fate as me, there is good news. It qualifies you to moan and groan and beseech your fella to do stuff for you since rising from a sitting position is most painful. So far today my fella has gotten me coffee, let out the dog and done the entire morning routine with the Dynamic Duo. So, upon further reflection, this may be the best kind of workout, one that burns calories and shortens your to-do list. (Although you gotta be careful with the kvetching, I can see how it’s also shortening my fella’s patience.)

 

Here’s to heavenly hamstrings, guru girls  & guys!

Here’s a summary of the workout, which is no longer available on self.com/fitness. (But they've got lots of other ones posted.)

Do each move for 30 seconds. Then rest 30 seconds. Then add the next move. (This means you’re going to do move 1 for a total of 5 times.) A full explanation of “stacking” is at end of this post.

 

“Burn” category:

Move 1: Jog in place for 30 seconds.

Move 2: Do side to side lunges, with opposite hand crossing in front of body and touching ground.

Move 3: Do a kicking handstand. (With hands planted on ground, kick your feet in air as high as you can.)

Move 4: Do the kicking boxer move. Kick your leg out and punch your arm out at same time. Alternate sides.

Move 5: Do the jumping plank move. Get on ground in push up position. Bring feet up to your hands and leap into the air. Go back into original plank position and repeat.

“Firm” category:

Move 1: Squats.

Move 2: Flying airplane move. Lay on the floor on your stomach. Raise hands and legs off floor. Hold for 1 count. Repeat.

Move 3: Ab-alicious. Lie faceup on floor. Hands behind head like you’ll do a situp. Both legs are in air. Lower leg until it’s just above floor. Return to start. Alternate legs.

Move 4: Push up. Either old-school, full push up or modified on-your-knee type push up.  

Here’s how stacking works:

Do Move 1.

Rest.

Do Move 1 and 2.

Rest.

Do Move 1, 2, 3.

Rest.

Do Move 1,2,3,4,5.

Rest. (And throw up, if necessary.)

How To Buy A Green Thumb

I returned home from my recent trip to find 4 of my plants in the sink, fully doused. It could mean only one thing: while I was away, my mother had been over to water the plants. Which you’d think would be a good thing when it was, in fact, a very, very bad thing. My mother had watered my fake plants. All 4 of them, as fake as a starlet’s bolt ons (for my friend, Dianne, who is mystified by half the lingo I use: bolt on = surgically enhanced bosom).

I guess it’s good my fake plants look so real that my mom was fooled into watering them. Because fake-looking fake plants are a big decorating no-no. But having a springy, green, living element in your living room is a design “do”. What are the plant killers among us to do?

Buy realistic looking fake plants, of course! Bonus points if you mix them in with some real plants. This way you only have to remember to water a few plants and when you kill them a few months down the road you only have the expense of replacing a few ferns versus a whole fern forest.

The key to fake plants is getting good-looking ones (and remembering to dust them). Good-looking ones are expensive. You need to just bite the bullet and accept that fact. Here’s a fantastic resource for them that I just learned about: dianejameshome.com. (Click this link to go to dianejameshome.com to see what I'm talking about.) I plan on utilizing this outlet very soon for some replacements for my waterlogged ones.

Restoration Hardware also has some great-looking topiaries. And Ikea has some options too that are not as real-looking but way cheap. These would be good if placed high up on a bookshelf or in some location where visitors can’t get an “up close” look at them.)

When I order mine, I’m going to throw an extra plant in as a “thank you” gift to my mom for all the plant-watering and dog-sitting she did while I was away. When you order, get one for your mom too for Mother’s Day. Add a cute note about how you appreciate how she’s helped you “grow” all these years.  Cute and time-saving because you’ll stash it in a closet and whip it out in May for the big day. Is this advice guru good? Nope. Guru great.

 

Why The Guardsman Is A Game-Changer

It upsets me that I love “Good Housekeeping” magazine. I want to love “Lucky” magazine and “Dwell”. But, alas, I am not that cool. Or young. In this way I am exactly like Lesley Mann, the heroine in the movie “This Is 40”. In the movie Lesley pretends to be 38 because she’s not ready to embrace her true age of 40 and the shopping experiences this age dictates, like shopping at Chico’s instead of cool, hipster stores.

So I keep reading “Lucky” magazine and “Dwell”, but the information I glean from them isn’t a real game-changer. Now the information from “Good Housekeeping”? Home run.

Unfortunately.

Like this info they recently shared about stain-removal. The 9 year old collects t-shirts from our travels. She loves them. She also loves art projects, playing in the back yard and making concoctions. None of these activities have been kind to the 9 year old’s clothing. Here’s what “Good Housekeeping” says I should do with her yellow t-shirt with the enormous, purple stain:

1.     Put it in a bowl of cold water.

2.    Spritz on cleaning fluid. GH says get the kind that is sold at hardware stores. This confused me, but a little web research turned up a product called Guardsman Dry Cleaning Fluid. You can use it at home, and you buy it at your local Ace, True Value or Lowe’s hardware store.

3.    If the stain doesn’t disappear this could be because the shirt was made with an optical brightening agent. In this case, get some rubbing alcohol. Put the purple stain facedown over a paper towel, dab at the stain from behind with an alcohol-soaked cloth.

This technique should remove 98% of the stain. The article also offered advice on pet accidents. Unfortunately, we also recently had one of those after the dog ate some of the “concoction” the 9 year old made in the back yard. Bad idea. For both the dog and the rug.

We cleaned up the, ahem, transgression just fine. But I am blessed with a supersonic sense of smell. GH says to rid the rug of any lingering odors I should grab a syringe from the pharmacy aisle of the grocery store. Fill the syringe with white vinegar and drip it into the problem area until the rug pad is soaked.

This latest issue of GH (March 2013) had all kinds of other good tips too. And not one “how to wear 1 piece of clothing 16 different ways” article. I hate the latter because you look like a fool in 15 of the recommended looks, yet they’ve been endorsed by a sexy, fashion magazine so you feel compelled to try them. Don’t try them. Spend your money instead on products like white vinegar and the Guardsman, products that may not be sexy but will, in fact, keep you and your stain-free self looking hotter than ever.

Hail To The Wedge: Tommy Hilfiger's Mini Wedge

I’m all about wedges.

Iceberg wedge salad?

Count me in.

Last-man-on-the-packed-subway wedge?

Heck, yes.

It’s not a true subway/t/metro experience unless the car is jampacked and someone has shoe-horned themselves in at the last second.

Wedge heels?

Possibly my favorite in the entire wedge category.

Wedge heels accomplish all the good of high heels:

-       Elongate your leg

-       Provide that extra oomph to an outfit

But with none of the bad:

-       Looking like you’re trying too hard

-       Looking like a burlesque dancer

-       Looking like you’re going to break your neck as you dash down the subway platform in order to do the last-man-on-public-transit wedge

Tommy Hilfiger has got some great ones this season. Great because they’re:

-       Um, hello?, wedges

-       A kicky red color

-       A non kick-your-a$$ height of 2 inches

They’ll make you look so cute that your fellow riders won’t even be that mad when it’s you who triggers the severe metro announcement to “Mind The Gap”. Mind the gap and your fashion manners and take thee to the Tommy Hilfiger website for these cute kicks. (Click this link to learn more about Tommy Hilfiger's mini wedge, available for $78.)

Disneyworld Is Kicking My A$$

Lately guru girl’s been in need of a little R&R. Naturally, a week in Disneyworld was the answer. This seemed like a great idea before I actually spent the week in Disneyworld, which is what I did last week, which is why my blog posts were so sporadic. Because even though I wrote them ahead of time, I had barely a minute to log on and upload them.

That’s how busy I was riding rollercoasters, meeting Disney characters and practicing deep breathing so I wouldn’t glare at my fella or the 10,000 other parents at Disney. All of whom were busy trying to ride rollercoasters, meet Disney characters, use the restroom and buy food at the exact same time as me.

Whew. It was fun-filled and exhausting – kind of like parenthood itself. The only bad part was when the 9 year old kept asking me, “Is Disneyworld still kicking your “a, money, money”?” She kept asking me this because in a moment of weakness that is the exact text I sent to a friend: “Disneyworld is kicking my a$$.” The sentiment is true, but I wouldn’t have sent the text if I’d remembered how the 9 year old loves to read my phone.

And I totally should have remembered that because the 9 year old also loves to read my dad’s phone, which she did a few weeks ago, when a certain family member sent my dad a certain text featuring the f word.

My dad loves to cackle about the embarrassing stuff I have to explain to the Dynamic Duo. The fact that, in this case, it was Grandpa who had to explain the f word to a 9 year old is awesome. It’s called karma. And the fact that I wasn’t the one who dropped the f bomb is proof that swear jars work. So there you have it, 4 undeniable truths:

1.     Watch your language around young ‘uns. Both spoken and typed.  Because if you’re lucky they’ll ask what it means, and if you’re unlucky they’ll ask what it means after they’ve repeated it to all their friends.

 

2.    Swear jars work. Every time you utter a bad word, put $1 in the swear jar. You’re going to sound as proper as the Queen Mother in no time.

 

3.    Swear jars, and basic awareness that living with a kiddo is like living with a particularly cunning spy, will fix everything because you’ll start living like your every communication is under surveillance. That’s because it is.

4.    Some of these facts about parenthood are a pain in the “a, money, money”. Like parts of a Disneyworld trip. Luckily, like Disneyworld, parenthood is definitely more about the magical moments, the pain in the a$$ moments are just there for perspective.

Why GNOs Are The Answer

This just in: scented candles are bad for you. I’m not taking the news well. Is there nothing in life that’s enjoyable and still good for you?! Lately, even the guilty pleasures have been ruined. Have you tuned into “E” recently? Were you hoping for a little mindless “Fashion Police” only to see one of those commercials for the Humane Society instead? You know the ones I’m talking about. They are so heartbreaking and terrible that it makes you immediately turn off the t.v. and seek out some other guilty pleasure… like soda or chocolate or scented candles, none of which you can enjoy because they’re all bad for you.

Where’s the comfort in this world?

Girlfriends. Specifically, small groups of female friends. It doesn’t matter if it’s a book club, a wine club or a mom’s group (as long as the moms leave their actual kids at home). It doesn’t matter if you meet at a wine bar, a bistro or the house of the member whose living room is the cleanest.

Girls Night Outs (GNOs) will save you. They will restore your flagging spirits, sense of humor and sense of fashion. Because it’s a cardinal rule that you look cute for a GNO. We women dress for each other, not the men in our lives. My fella wouldn’t know a Tory Burch flat from a Target flat, but my friend Tara would in a hot minute. 

There have been lots of studies done. People with active social networks have longer, healthier, happier lives. So don’t bail on your GNO this month. Move heaven and earth to get there, even if the time and location are inconvenient and you have to pay a babysitter a king’s ransom.

If you don’t have a GNO group? Organize one. Think of 2 or 3 other girls you know who have something to say and something in common. Invite them out for a happy hour drink. It’s a low commitment, and most likely you’ll be so busy talking you’ll end up ordering food and more drinks and probably dessert. The best GNOs have you laughing so hard tears come to your eyes. The most embarrassing involve birthdays and joke photos with blow up dolls. And even the worst -- when everyone’s tired and mad at their husbands -- are better than another night in, spent watching someone else be tired and mad at her husband, a.k.a. “Modern Family”.

Here's to Girls Nights Out. Plan one today!

Help, Thanks, Wow: A Good Read

There are 2 kinds of people I don’t really understand: those who stop for geese in traffic and/or those who do yoga. I’m married to someone who I’m pretty sure does both. I know he does yoga, and I’m betting he’s never honked his horn to discourage geese from entering the roadway.

I do this regularly. I would never hit a goose once he was in the roadway, but I have no qualms about laying on the horn. This makes my “relax & smell the roses” blog posts hypocritical, I realize. My content appears to be aspirational in nature. No one does all the healthy, peaceful, life affirming things I recommend. No one. Even me!

But there are some people out there who have a higher batting average on this “positive life habit” stuff. Author Anne Lamott is one of those people. I love her because, just like me, she doesn’t appear to come by this healthy living stuff naturally. I just read her latest book Help, Thanks, Wow.

It’s a book about how to pray. But it’s not a religious book. It’s about how to start a dialogue with a higher power and how to find your best self in the process. It doesn’t matter if that self is Christian or Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim. In the book Anne details her rather unorthodox approach to these conversations. These dialogues are funny and real and often sound like she’s talking to an irreverent friend.

This was news to me. I didn’t think a legitimate conversation with a higher power could sound like that. But for some people, it does. It’s made me think about prayer in a whole new light. If you’re pondering this sort of thing, Lamott’s book is definitely worth a read. It’s short and full of underline-worthy sentences.

You might even emerge from the reading with the kind of inner peace that inspires you to beckon geese into the roadway. And once you’ve waited the hour for the flock to leave the roadway you’ll drive to a yoga studio where you will embrace the poses, the more painful and boring, the better. This hasn’t happened to me yet, but I just finished the book last night. I’ll keep you posted.

Occupational Hazards

  

All jobs have them. As a professor at a community college my biggest occupational hazard is avoiding the brownies students bring to the class potluck. Because unlike that trusting CU prof who ate the brownies that turned out to be laced with pot, I am both suspicious and experienced. In my speech class I’ve heard far too many persuasive speeches from students about why drugs should be legalized, which brings us to…

Occupational hazard #1: Class potluck food, which I avoid… but Wednesday night I couldn’t avoid a late night trip to the grocery store, which is where I found:

Occupational hazard #2: unexpected student encounters. There I was, tired and sick and running into the grocery store for some cold medicine when I ran into a student of mine. These encounters are always awkward and occasionally fear-inspiring, as when I ran into the student who had previously failed my class.

He was working as a valet at a restaurant where I pulled up in my car. I gave him my keys and hoped he wouldn’t wreck my ride. I also hoped he wouldn’t go through the glove compartment, find my address and egg my house. He did none of these things. And even gave me a hug at the end of the night, which was inappropriate but I considered it a win, all things considered. Because my job exposes me to all things inappropriate, including occupational hazard #3, which is…  

#3: unintended e-mails. Students these days are in touch with each other 24/7. They often like to be in touch with me 24/7 too. This means I get crazy amounts of e-mail from them about assignments, projects, tests, you name it.

Isn’t all this communication hard to manage for students? For some, yes. I found this out when I clicked open an e-mail from one of them and read the salutation “To my Nubian queen….”

Huh. This greeting wasn’t on the “approved list” for professional correspondence that I handed out. Neither was the rest of the message, which proved to be a scorching love letter. Clearly, the student had e-mailed it to me by mistake. This caused me an etiquette dilemma. Do you acknowledge the mistake? Do you copy edit for grammar? Do you ignore and avoid eye contact the remainder of the term? I chose the latter. 

I know my occupational hazards are definitely not as bad as the ones faced by, say, deep sea oil rig workers. But I’ve got ‘em. So do you.

What are your biggest occupational hazards? How do you handle them? Do tell (unless you’re that Russian blogger who keeps commenting on my posts and recommending that we check out his blog for male enhancements. Your occupational hazards, Russian blogger guy, we do not want to know about or your male enhancement products).

Why The Lint Lizard Won't Make You Worry

A few days ago the newspaper ran an article called “What You Should Really Worry About”. Why would they run this kind of article?

Do they not realize that some of their readers, like guru girl, can take the act of worrying to dizzying new heights if given enough data? So I didn’t want to read the article, but it’s like hearing a crash in your toddler’s room. You don’t want to go see the mayhem but you can’t help yourself.

So I read the article and am pleased to say that it added absolutely nothing to the list of things I am currently worrying about. Because the piece was filled with things that scientific experts said we should worry about. But these events are so enormous in scale there’s absolutely nothing we little people can do to stop them. We’re talking asteroid-crashing-into-earth possibilities. This sort of thing doesn’t trouble me at all. If there’s nothing I can do, then I have a very French attitude. Que sera sera.

It’s when I read articles about hazards that I can do something about that I worry. My worrying went into overdrive when I recently learned that lint piling up in your dryer is a top cause of house fires. One of the ways you can tell lint is piling up in your dryer’s venting system is that your clothes don’t fully dry after one cycle.

This is definitely an issue at our house. A few years ago we had a service guy out to clear the dryer system, which is vented out of our roof. Scheduling service calls like this is both inconvenient and expensive. And having a service guy on the roof causes me to worry even more, mostly that he will fall off the roof. So I’ve been ignoring the issue.

But a house fire would be even more inconvenient and expensive so I am now on the “lint in the dryer” case. To the rescue is an “As Seen On T.V. Product” called the Lint Lizard. This gizmo attaches to your vacuum cleaner and cleans the lint out from deep within your dryer, for only $14! (Click this link to learn more about the Lint Lizard, available on amazon.com.)

The Lint Lizard recently got the “Good Housekeeping” seal of approval, and its manufacturers claim it works “like a magic wand”. In my princess-crazy household those words alone seal the deal. Getting fully dry clothes and taking “dryer fire” off my worry list? That’s just icing on the cake!  

"Zero Dark Thirty" Review & Beyonce Bashing

It was quite the weekend for Girl Power at chez guru girl. We kicked it off with a little Girl Scout cookie selling and continued the celebration by enjoying 2 very different depictions of girl power. One had a lot more hair flinging and dance moves. This would be the Beyonce-at-Superbowl brand of girl power.

The other one was “Zero Dark Thirty”, a movie based on the real life capture of Osama Bin Laden, a win made possible by the dogged determination of a young, female spy who used her wits, not her spy kicks, to get the job done. There was no hair flinging in “Zero Dark Thirty”, but this does not mean the movie wasn’t all about girl power.

It was about a different kind of girl power, a strength based on intellect and the kind of passion women on screen are rarely allowed to portray. We’re talking passion for justice.

It’s hard to communicate intellect. That’s why when video vixens like Beyonce want to portray “smart”, they wear glasses. And sometimes lab coats, though always over lacy bustiers.

In “Zero Dark Thirty” there is none of this for Maya, the spy who gets it done. She wears well cut black suits and tasteful button down shirts. There are no Jennifer Garner sexy spy outfits.

That’s because this movie is about the real spy world. It’s about how surveillance is really done, how intelligence is really gathered and the inherent trade-offs, risks and rewards.

This depiction stands in stark contrast to the world of artifice that usually stands for girl power, a world where that power resides in sexuality. This is disturbing. Here’s what makes it more so: that power resides in a sexuality that, for Beyonce at least, isn’t even real. Nothing about Beyonce is real -- from her hair to her on-stage alter ego, whom she calls “Sasha Fierce”. Lately, people are even questioning whether Beyonce’s vocal performances are real or previously recorded.

 If Beyonce is one of pop culture’s biggest symbols of girl power, what does this say about girl power? That it, too, is empty or a lie that we’ll all pretend to believe?  

Uh-oh. This appears to be guru girl’s weekly rant as I’m getting all fired up here. I actually think Beyonce is okay. I think it’s okay that women onscreen celebrate their sexuality. It just bugs me when that’s really the only thing we see them doing. Because I don’t know about you, but I spent the morning doing lots of things but gyrating in a bikini in front of a wind machine wasn’t one of them. (Sorry, TN1970, I know you were hoping.)

So let’s get some more depictions of girl power out there. Maya’s brainy brand of it is a start. Go see the movie so that it makes lots of money and Hollywood is encouraged to get more stuff like that out there.  

Then, because your fella will likely be a little depressed after seeing the movie, stand in front of a fan and indulge your inner Beyonce. Fire-spouting guitars optional.

Why Decorating With Kids Is Pointless

This is not what my spring vignette is supposed to look like. Someone threw a piece of clothing down the stairs, only to have it land, on top of the cute, bunny statue.

Bonus points if you can identify type of garment, likely perpetrator and timing of the event. I myself am hoping it wasn’t weeks ago as it was only today that I noticed something was amiss.