Timeless & Trendy Tablescape: 4 Easy Steps

I have no idea what Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction was at the VMAs on Monday. This is because I am keeping my vow to rid myself of trashtastic, celebrity knowledge.

It has only been a week. But I am feeling virtuous with a capital V.

My fella should be feeling less virtuous because he actually watched some of the VMAs. The Beyonce part. And then he tried to engage me in one of our favorite conversations,” Why is Queen B so popular when her music is so bad?”

I fell for this tactic, not realizing until later this was just a distraction so I couldn’t yell at Guru Guy for oogling Beyonce when I am on celeb media blackout.

Not cool, Robert Frost.

But here’s what is cool: design tricks that are easy-peasy. Like this table centerpiece that is both easy to produce and long-lasting. Please note that I am not inserting any catty Beyonce references here, even though the sentence is practically begging for one.

The 4 Ingredient “Lasts Forever & Looks Great Doing It” Tablescape:

1.      Get yourself a tray. A wooden one gives a nice, textural look.

2.    Artfully arrange 4 mini-Perrier bottles on tray.

3.    Plop a mini floral arrangement on the tray. It should be low-standing so you can see over it.

4.    Prop some cute cocktail napkins on tray.

5.     Threaten your family &/or housemates with dreadful consequences if they try to use any items on tray.

 Warning: You will undoubtedly have to explain the concept of “for show”. As in, “These items are just for show. Not for use.”

Side effect: You will feel shallow when doing so.

The “for show” concept will mystify children, who believe nothing is for show, even Mommy’s cocktail dress, which our oldest daughter once used as a tissue while I was wearing it!

Clearly, Nicki Minaj is not the only one who has experienced a wardrobe malfunction. However, there is nothing malfunctioning about this centerpiece. For a timeless table in no time, give it a go! 

Everything I Never Told You: A Good Read

Today is the first day of school -- brand new schools -- for the Dynamic Duo.

The girls walked out the door this morning, pretty unflappable. Even though the 8 year old said she had butterflies in her stomach and “Mom, they’re barfing”.

With head held high, she took her barfing butterflies right into 3^rd grade where her goals for the year are: not get in trouble and not eat any ham sandwiches.

I’ve been a wreck all day. And for much of the last week as well.

Change and new routines and middle school are all hard for me. Like they are for everyone.

I’m trying not to bring my angst to the table. Am sure I’m overcompensating with great amounts of fake perkiness. 

But the Dynamic Duo probably know what’s up. Because kids see through that stuff in an instant.

When you say,”Oh, okay. It’s okay.” in that tone? That’s when I know it’s really not okay and somebody’s hurt or there’s a big problem.

This is what the 11 year old said to me earlier this summer, and the worst part about it is that she’s exactly right.

It’s unnerving to be this known. Especially when you’re a person who tries to hide her neurotic tendencies!

But it’s worse if your family doesn’t know you at all. Which is the idea behind Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng. This book is a beautifully written account of a family unraveling.(Click this link to go to amazon.com to view more info about this book. Available for around $10.)

It’s less a murder mystery – although one character’s death drives much of the plot – and more an examination of family expectation.

What’s the cost of meeting these expectations? What’s the cost of failing? 

Through the struggling Lee family, Ng answers these questions and poses some more that will make you think long after you finish this read.

The book’s ostensibly about a mild mannered college professor, his wife and children. But it’s really about how parental hopes and experiences shape future generations, in ways good and bad.

At first there’s not a lot of guru girl perkiness here. The characters have to give up pretend and see themselves as they really are, warts and all, before the message of hope ultimately shines through.

But at its core, despite the set up, this is a hopeful story. Just like new beginnings can be hopeful and positive. Even if they involve middle school, barfing butterflies and wackadoo mothers.

Happy reading, guru girls & guys!

New, Favorite Time Suck: Curbed.com

                                          This is my opinion of curbed.com, not anything else covered below. 

“Did you know Jay Z and Beyonce are in couples therapy?” the 8 year old brightly inquired a few days ago.

At the time, a gaggle of her older sister’s friends were at our house and the 8 year old was trying to impress them by showing off her knowledge of all things tween. You know, things like Jay Z, Beyonce, couples therapy.

I was mortified.

I keep my trashy magazine reading on the down low at our house. But the “Wonderwall” app on my phone? It mistakenly loaded onto all our devices, including the kindle for the 11 year old, who has never met an app she doesn’t like.

So she was all too happy to click on it and read all about the alleged couples therapy of our favorite musical superstars. The 11 year old then took great delight in grilling me about her findings, which is probably why it stuck in the 8 year old’s brain as a great gambit to delight her sister and irritate her mother. Total win-win.

I see the error in my ways, people. So I’m deleting the Wonderwall, cancelling the “US Weekly” and forgetting the channel number for "E".

Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of extra free time.

I’m going to fill it by reading another online gossip site, but one that is far less damaging to impressionable children because it’s about zip codes, not a celebrity’s unzipped trousers.

Curbed.com is the name of the site.(Click this link to go to curbed.com) It reports on the latest, outlandish real estate deals and ideas. It has categories like "lifestyles of the rich and richer" and "starchitecture for sale". 

It even includes pictures of these posh pads. And you can specify which cities you're interested in for the house gawking. The Boston offshoot gives me my Boston fix better than a cup of coffee from Dunkin’. 

Dunkin’ Donuts and curbed.com. Now there’s a win-win. Demerits from the Parenting Hall Of Fame not included. 

Stylish, Cheap Art In 2 Easy Steps

Patience is not my strong suit. Even for my favorite topics (i.e. home decorating, child rearing and skin tanning). 

For these, I like the option that works immediately. In fact, my favorite is the one that worked yesterday.

This approach has gotten me in trouble.

For years my love of tanned skin led me to douse myself in self tanner, which gave me a vibrant orange glow no one would mistake for golden.

On the kiddo front, my lack of patience results in the 8 year old’s hair often looking like it has been braided by wolves.

On the decorating front, impatient me once impulse-bought a painting. A painting that was 3 feet high by 9 feet long and wouldn’t fit in the car. I had to carry that baby home. From the store. Battling winter temperatures and a gusty wind.

All because I had become fed up with the giant, blank wall in my living room. I became fed up and decided it had to be fixed. 

Immediately.

I wish I had known this following tip instead:

Make your own painting. With wallpaper and molding.

Not only is this DIY route cheaper, it doesn’t involve risk of hypothermia or sailing into traffic when the wind turns you and your painting into a maritime team.  

This DIY method is somewhat lacking in adventure but not lacking in style or economy.

Just buy a roll of wallpaper, get yourself some pre-cut, pre-painted molding and voila! giant work of art. With all the money you save, you can get yourself some color-coordinated pillows too. As I like to say, it's a lotta look, little lucre (that's French for money, which is about the only thing I remember from high school French class).  

Happy decorating guru girls & guys!