3 Useless Gifts & Why They Bug Me

I never read the magazine articles entitled “How To Save Your Own Life” or “Must Know Survival Skills”. February must be survivalist month because there are dozens of these articles on newstands right now.

I can’t summarize them for you because I never read them.

Survivalist stuff is depressing (and requires far more room in one’s purse for survivalist gear than anyone has).

So I regularly bypass these articles in favor of more inspiring fare… which, this month, I did not find.

Because apparently February is also the month for editors to promote utterly useless junk, stuff so impractical that it doesn’t just depress me, it enrages me.

Exhibit A: If you live in New York City you can go to espionage school where students learn how to be better business leaders.

They learn through exercises like “how to weave toilet paper into a rope strong enough to rappel out a window”. I am not kidding. This espionage school was written up in an airline magazine. Not “The Onion”.

Exhibit B: Hipster dogs – and their bowties – are out. I read this gem on a “what’s in/what’s out list”. 

So no more pics of Fido in hipster gear. Instead, the magazine says to show off your pup “in comfy leather collars that soften over time”. The article also advises me to buy my dog “well made knits that he’ll love for years to come”.

Huh.

No dog is going to love a well made knit for years to come. The only thing my dog is going to love for years to come is a nice, meaty bone and possibly me. And the only reason I make the list is because I’m the one who provides the nice, meaty bone.

Exhibit C: The fish apartment from Umbra (see above).

Because the rental market is hot these days. 

For everyone. 

Including your beta.

The fish apartment looks cool, but it’s small, and there is no filter. That means your fish is going to first smell then die. These are definite disadvantages.

Initially, I liked the idea of giving this apartment -- with a Beta fish occupant -- as a gift. How cute would it be to include a note that says something like, “Hope your birthday goes swimmingly”?

But the cute factor does not outweigh the cruelty factor so, upon further review, the fish apartment goes in the “useless junk that enrages me” category.

It’s a good thing March is almost here so magazines can redeem themselves. 

In the meantime, instead of shopping I shall occupy myself with home improvement. Look for pics to come soon for more color-coded bookshelves (I know, I have a problem) and – bonus! – my fella’s redecorated office. 

Happy end-of-this-deplorable-shopping-month, guru girls & guys!