Quick. I need an emotional ceremony to attend. It could be a
wedding, baptism, retirement bash. I’m open. That’s how annoyed I am with the
dog. Usually when I attend any of these ceremonies I’m kind of an emotional
mess. I think of irritating things Stanley, the dog, has done in order to keep
it together. Sometimes it’s hard to think of enough things. Not this week.
1.
The dog is shedding. And by shedding I mean
losing vast quantities of hair. All over the place. I brushed the stairs with a
dog brush this morning. Because the vacuum cleaner can’t hack it anymore. And
I’ve run out of sticky lint roller sheets.
I’m going to have to buy a new vacuum. Or else I’m going to
have to visit one of those vacuum repair stores that you see on the side of the
road that I’m pretty sure are a front for the mob. Are there really enough
people out there with vacuum problems that we can support an entire storefront?
We’re about to find out because I’m hauling the Dyson in there tomorrow.
2.
The dog has taken to pooping in the bark chips.
You know how much I love bark chips. Not so much anymore.
3.
The dog chases squirrels. He does this all year
long, but he gets extra mileage in fall. This makes walks with Stanley feel
less like I’m starring in my own communing-with-nature, feminine hygiene ad and
more like I’m starring in that stupid video game my fella plays “Gears Of War”.
Only my version features hiding squirrels instead of commandos and the only weapon
of destruction is a lunging black lab mix.
4.
The dog finds dead squirrels. And when he finds
them, he doesn’t give them up easily. This presents a problem if you’re a girly
girl like me, loathe to engage in dead squirrel tug-of-war with the dog.
Luckily I don’t have to.
This brings us to our tip of the day, gleaned
from a very helpful neighbor who hollered it at me as Stanley and I were
squaring off over his first dead squirrel find.
Tip of the day: If your dog ever clamps
down on something and won’t open his mouth to drop it, all you have to do is pick
up your dog by his rear legs. You will look like you are pushing a wheel
barrow. Only it’s your dog. Lift his legs up pretty high and shake him gently.
The dog won’t be able to hold his grip on the offensive item in his mouth. This
tricky move jams all the circuitry in his little doggy brain. My reasoning
might be off here but the results are not. Stanley has dropped the squirrel
every time.
Please note: this tip was meant as a
service. I am already getting weird spam comments from some Russian autobot. I
don’t want to start getting them from PETA too. So animal lovers, don’t get
your undies in a bundle. I’m not telling people to try this move at home when
they’re, say, bored on a Sunday afternoon. This move should only be tried out
of necessity. And remember, it’s more humane than a torque bow.
No comments:
Post a Comment