NyQuil, Napping & Power Tools: How Not To Move Like A Pro

The only part of my house that is organized.

 

 

NyQuil, Napping & Power Tools: How Not To Move Like A Pro

I write a blog that often talks about home organization.

So how is it I am the kind of person who has called 1-800-GOT-JUNK twice in the last few years? This means I have paid money twice for the junk I have – once to buy it and again to have it taken away.

How is it I am also now on a first name basis with the guy who collects donations at Goodwill? A guy who knows my name, when I’m moving, where I’m moving and has opinions about all of it.

Well, except for my name. The only person I’ve ever met who had an opinion about my name was a student several years ago. He was from the United Arab Emirates, and he simply could not bring himself to call me “Susan” as this was apparently also the name of his family’s favorite camel.

Huh. Who knew? As Murphy is to American dogs, Susan is to Arabic camels. The Goodwill guy didn’t share this kind of information with me. But it’s about the only thing he hasn’t shared. Because I see him several times a day. Every time I drop off yet another load of stuff.

Moving day is Friday.

I think of myself as an organized, take charge, plan-out-the-strategy kind of girl. This move is proving otherwise.

This became apparent when the 1-800-GOT-JUNK man stood in our basement, scratching his head over the pool table.

We inherited the rickety pool table from the previous owner. Because apparently it’s too big to fit out any of the doors. This would have been good to know before we called GOT JUNK to take it away.

But I didn’t know this and, worse, had just taken a massive dose of NyQuil to clear up my cold-addled head. NyQuil doesn’t exactly help with critical thinking, which my next actions proved.

I sent the junk man away and immediately took a nap.

I now have a well-rested, cold-addled head, an enormous pool table stuck in the basement and a clock that’s ticking on the move.

Luckily, I also have the number of the best handyman in all of metro Denver. His name is Henry. Henry is 50. He has more tattoos than you can count and a truck with wheels taller than my 7 year old. Henry also makes house calls on short notice and owns every power tool known to man.

On home fixing matters, I try to not sweat it until Henry tells me I should. So we’ve got Henry coming over to deal with the pool table. And I’m pretty sure he can make it right. At least right-er than I could, armed with NyQuil and a power saw.

Henry is going on my thankful list this week. So are my mom friends who’ve volunteered to drive the Dynamic Duo places and sent encouraging texts. So is my mom herself who left a roasted chicken dinner warming in our oven last night, pretty much the only reason any of us got fed.

And my dad whose driven to more soccer games and birthday parties than you can count. And our honorary aunt and uncle who are young and hip and foolish enough to have volunteered to take the Dynamic Duo to a corn maze this weekend. Clearly, they have never experienced the autumnal joy of getting lost in a corn maze with sneezing children. But they will. While I experience the joy of unpacking… in a house… with a basement that doesn’t have a pool table stuck in it.

Thanks for the well wishes on the move, guru girls & guys! Hopefully I won't be radio-silent on the blog front -- but it might depend on Wi-Fi connections, about the only home item Henry can't help us with. (If you live in the metro area and want Henry's phone number, let me know. I will give it to you in exchange for opening only a few boxes.)

Budget Talk Strategy

I’m preparing myself for the budget talk with my fella. He recently told me we had to have one.  I’m putting together exhibits to show how thrifty I really am. I need to do this because I know my fella’s putting together spreadsheets to show how thrifty I really am not.

 

 Exhibit A: The new bookshelf.

Cost? Free.

Because I found it in the alley. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, and all that.

Savings? $800.

 

Exhibit B: My Christmas present to myself, from my fella.

 Cost? Not so much.

Because though it looks like a fabulous, original work I actually got it at “Z Gallerie”. AND I saved all shipping and handling fees by buying it at the mall and walking it home myself. I did this because it was too big to fit in the car.

Okay, full disclosure: I walked the painting almost all the way home. That baby was heavy, so I actually walked it several blocks before the wind picked up, and I became fearful that my painting would act like a sailboat and sail us both right into traffic. That’s when I called my dad to come pick me and the painting up.

 

Which he did. Literally. I drove the car while my dad sat on the tailgate and held onto the painting for dear life. I don’t have a picture of this because my dad was yelling the whole time that I’d better not put this in my blog. The painting doesn’t look any worse because of its adventure home, and my wallet looks a whole lot better. My relationship with my dad? I’ll let you know after he reads this post.

Savings? $50.

 

Exhibit C: Dog Pictured Above.

Stanley is a rescue dog from a shelter. I believe supporting charities of this nature is actually a tax write-off so we probably made money on the dog purchase.

Savings? A lot. Unless you count losses in the form of the people food Stanley regularly eats, like steak we’ve just grilled and the beef jerky favored by the 7 year old.

 

Exhibit D: Gas Bill From Yesterday. 68 dollars! This is simply wrong, and I do not believe should be counted against me as it’s not my fault gas costs as much as a pair of Manolo Blahniks these days.

 

I am ready for the trial, guru girls & guys. All I need is a little “Good Wife” viewing and lawyer lingo, and I’m all set.

6 Ways To Mouse Proof Your House

I see visions. Not like that kid in “The Sixth Sense” but visions that are no less scary. They’re visions of mice. Scurrying across the kitchen floor. Let’s be clear: there are no actual mice scurrying. Because I have the pest control guy on permanent retainer. He visits every 6 weeks. All year. That’s how scared I am of mice. Because we had a mouse problem. Once upon a time.

That’s a thing about living in an old -- I mean, historic -- house that realtors don’t tell you. They seduce you with the high ceilings and stained glass. You’re so busy looking up that you don’t think to look down, at the foundation and baseboards, which (at 100 years old) aren’t as level as one might wish. Unless one were a mouse yearning for a house in which to winter.

So I have some tips on how to mouse-proof your own house. Actually my pest control guy does. Because I interview him extensively every time he’s here. So for today’s “What Experts Wish You Knew” we have mouse-proofing wisdom from Ted, my Terminix guy.

1.     Accept the facts. If you live in the West, this winter’s gonna be bad. We didn’t have a really cold winter last year so the mouse colony is thriving because none of them died from the elements. You need to get your own Ted and have him visit your house regularly. Every 6 weeks in order to stay ahead of the problem.

And by “stay ahead” I mean poison the crackle out of those vermin. And no, environmentalist friends, I don’t care about the introduction of harmful chemical pellets to my home. I consider that a fair trade for the ability to walk into my kitchen without shuddering.

2.    Investigate along the foundation of your house. If there are any holes or gaps fill them up with steel wool. A hole that’s even the size of a thumb tack is big enough for a mouse to get through. Garage doors that sit a bit askew are also a problem. Get your garage service professional out ASAP.

3.    Don’t fill your bird feeders. Because yes, those cute cardinals snack up on bird seed. But so do mice. So, in essence, you’re offering them not only lodging but also a free buffet. Yank the bird feed. It’s your house. Not a Marriott for mice.

4.    Store your dog food in sealed containers. Same rationale as above.

5.    If you have to run from a mouse, avoid the periphery of the room. Mice are blind. They run in a path that hugs the wall. If you are afraid they might dash up your leg – they are, after all, blind – your path, in running from them, should be through the middle of the room.  

6.    If you think your mouse problem is over, don’t store the mouse traps on top of the refrigerator like my fella once did, without my knowledge. Mice are curious. Mice can climb. Use your imagination to envision what I found on top of the refrigerator one morning. Now use your imagination to envision what I yelled at my fella. Because this is a family friendly site so it can’t be reprinted.  

In sum, please don’t be afraid to come over to my house for dinner. Well, you should be a little afraid but only because of my cooking skills, not because our house has a mouse problem. Because it doesn’t anymore. Thanks to the aforementioned tips.

Happy mouse-proofing, guru girls and guys!

 

What Experts Wish You Knew: Sports Talk Edition

Sporting scandal is our issue du jour. This is actually the only part of sports that interests me. The off-court “he said, she said, they did what?!” part. Honestly, the only reason I know about Tom Brady is because of his baby mama drama.

But today we’re not talking about scandal from the big guns, we’re talking about drama from the sporting sidelines. The drama that, gasp, we -- as spectators and parents of athletes -- cause. For today’s “What Experts Wish You Knew” I have wisdom from Keith, a high school basketball coach. Here’s what Keith has to say…

There’s a new kind of parent out there, and coaches can spot them from a mile away: the lawn mower parent. These are the parents who go ahead of their kids and mow down any obstacles in their path. This is not a good thing. This is, in fact, a very bad thing. Almost as bad as hanging a quarterback towel out your front pocket if you are attending a football game and not playing in it.

(This is actually not a complaint from Keith, but a complaint from my friend Teresa. As guru girl has never actually attended a professional football game I’ve never seen this travesty in person, but it sounds bad & should probably be stopped.)

Lawn mower parents call the coach and tell him when their kid is sick and can’t make practice. They’re also the parents who complain to the coach when their kid isn’t getting enough playing time.

These complaints and communications need to be coming from the athlete, not his parents, says Keith. If a kid’s man enough to strap on his own helmet/cup etc. he’s man enough to call the coach himself.   

Let your kids assume responsibility for their lives as athletes. Yell encouraging things from the sidelines but not actual plays, as this is just confusing. Almost as confusing as trying to keep track of the baby mamas of various professional athletes.

Kick back and enjoy the game. Be a good spectator. One who doesn’t wear quarterback towels. Ever.

 

5 Easy Ways to 'Just Say No'

Dear Guru Girl,

How can I say “no”? I’m getting asked to do all kinds of stuff. I don’t have time for half of it. How can I say “no” but keep my people-pleasing ways?

Sincerely, Stressed Out Yes-Woman

First off, I feel your pain. I also hate saying “no”, and Peppy Community Ladies (PCLs) are always hitting me up for my mad volunteer skills. But for my sanity, I do say “no”. Here are ways to do it:

1.      The hard no – Must be uttered with a sincere crushed expression. You say,”Shoot. My schedule is booked solid. But thanks for thinking of me.” The “thanks” part is key. It softens the “no” and leaves the interaction on a positive note.

2.    The soft no --  “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

Checking your schedule is just good practice. And when you check it you could conceivably find that the event directly conflicts with your “US Weekly” reading time.

Note: you leave the “US Weekly” part out when you reconnect with PCL to tell her you can’t do it. You just say your schedule is booked. You never explain what exactly it’s booked with, because this just invites PCL to come back at you with how you really can fit her event into your jam packed life. Clearly, PCL has never read “US Weekly” and doesn’t realize how engrossing it is. “US Weekly” reading time can never be shortened.

3.    The partial yes – “I can’t be in charge of the school event/church committee/ neighborhood watch, but I’d be happy to volunteer with the group once it’s off the ground.”

4.    The “Are you nuts?!” look – Give PCL the look. The one your kids know means they’ve stepped over the line, like when each one orders something different for dinner, clearly mistaking you for a short order cook instead of their mother.

5.     Pretend not to speak English – Obviously this works in select circumstances only.

Lastly, banish the guilt. I often say “yes” because PCL also has a lot on her plate, she’s a good person and it’s a good cause. Here’s the thing: there are lots of good causes out there. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you choose to not run the school auction/ head up the church gala/ deliver Meals On Wheels to needy seniors.

It means you’re a person who has many demands on her time, a clear set of boundaries about how she’ll spend her free time and a confidence in her value as a person that she doesn’t have to say “yes” every time she’s asked to join something.

With that said, I do believe it’s important to give back to the world. I have even been PCL on occasion, but it’s important to honestly assess the time you have to give and where it can be best spent. The commitment that comes from this genuine reflection will serve you – and the volunteer group – well. Because you’ll be doing stuff you really care about, not just stuff you got guilt-tripped into.

“No” is a good word. Each week “US Weekly” tells us about times when people should have said “no”.

-         Lindsay Lohan – “No, my kleptomaniac self can’t go to that party where fancy jewelry will be laying around, begging to be picked up.”

-         Kim Kardashian – “No, I can’t be on “Dancing With The Stars”. I really can’t dance.”

-         Dina Eastwood – “No, I can’t do a reality show on E. Americans will start a petition to institutionalize my national treasure of a husband because he clearly lost his mind in marrying me.”

Expert Advice: Nanny Tells All

A nanny or a regular babysitter is one of the answers to happiness in a home with nutso, small children. The good ones are part Mary Poppins, part Super Nanny and part child therapist. Because when your 3 year old clocks another kid on the head with a truck at the playground, 3 days in a row, it’s Nanny’s shoulder that you’re going to be crying on.  And she’s going to be the one who reminds you of all the reasons why your kid is just a normal kid and not a Mike Tyson in-the-making.

After staggering through parenthood for a few years, like blind men in the dark, we finally saw the light and found a nanny to help us part-time. Not just any nanny. The best nanny West of the Mississippi. Her name is Yanira, and she is a child whisperer and mother whisperer and dog whisperer too.

 

Yanira’s no longer with us on a regular basis, but we still see her every few weeks because she’s part of the parenting team. We forged a bond over vomit and pink eye and chronic ear infections and potty training. Yanira made all of these experiences better because she’s raised lots of kids. She’s seen it or done it all before. She’s a professional, and thus, one of my “industry experts”.

Here’s what Yanira says would be great for parents, with a nanny or regular sitter on the team, to know: Courtesy and having a clue are important. Say you’ve booked a trip to Mexico for spring break for the family. Let your nanny know the dates that you’ll be in Mexico and won’t be needing her. Do this at least a month in advance, but it’s even better to do it as soon as you’ve booked the trip.

 

Everything you’ve got going on? Nannies have the crazy long “to do” list too, only without the job flexibility to get stuff done during the week. Your small courtesy lets your nanny schedule a dentist or doctor appointment for herself or her kids, invite her mom out for a visit and jam a million other things in. This consideration also allows your nanny to have a bit of balance in her life and a lot more control, at least for the week you and your spitfires are away.

Balance and a sense of control are the first things out the window when we become parents. That’s why we treasure the brief windows of time, say date night or a girls’ trip, when we get them back. Give your nanny this gift. It’s better than any scarf or earrings. Plus, it breeds good will, and you need some good will in the air for a job that requires management of booger flicking charges on a daily basis.

While you're on vacation, doing this...

and this...

and this...

let your nanny know, so she can plan some relaxing activities

 so she can keep up with your crew once you get home!

What Experts Wish You Knew: Hairstylist Edition

“Mommy can’t cannonball into the pool with you this afternoon. She got her hair highlighted yesterday.”

 This is a good excuse for many reasons.

#1: It’s true.

#2: It’s important knowledge for our little blondies to have, as it will make them grateful their sun-kissed locks don’t require 3 hours at the salon and pool abstinence for a few days.

#3: It’s short.

 Today -- for my 2^nd official “What Experts Wish You Knew” feature --we’re going to tackle that age-old nemesis: excuses.

 There is much for a hair stylist to love about a client: the opportunity to give a gal that “Pretty Woman” makeover moment and sparkling repartee about trashtastic television. These are the main ones.

 But, this just in from Pepe, my guru of hair and style and all things fabulous, there’s a dark side: being late for the appointment. It gets even darker: the excuses we gals make about being late.

 In a nutshell, here’s Pepe’s view: He’s not thrilled if you’re 10 minutes late, but he’ll give you a pass on it. Life happens, your 6 year old spills Gatorade all over the car’s backseat, your dog squiggles under the fence and has to be tracked down, you couldn’t find your cell phone (probably because it’s jammed in the seat and covered with Gatorade), yada, yada, yada.  

 Pepe doesn’t want to hear about it. If you’re 10 minutes late for the appointment, don’t come in and take another 10 minutes telling him why you’re late. This just makes it worse. Instead, zip in, sit your ass in the chair, say a simple “I’m sorry I’m late” and be done with it.

 Pepe will forgive you. Especially if you make sure to tip him 20%. None of this 15% percent, ladies. We’re not in Europe. Pepe didn’t actually say this last part. This is me editorializing.

He’ll be even quicker to forgive you if you also watched last night’s “Real Housewives of O.C.” and agree with him that Heather’s surgeon husband is hot. How can anyone think that? He’s “husband hot”, says Pepe, not “hot hot”.

I question his judgement on this one. But I do not question his judgement on these great honey streaks I’m sporting or his wisdom about incredibly long excuses.  

What Banking Experts Wish You Knew

What Banking Experts Wish You Knew

You know what it’s like when you’re in a foreign country, say France, and a French guy is talking a blue streak at you? You struggle to comprehend even a bit, and then just figure “what the heck”. How hard can it be to dash off a few French phrases? So you throw yourself into the exchange with great confidence.

This conversational strategy once resulted in me telling my French foreign exchange family that I was pregnant, when I was – in fact – simply full from the festive, French lunch we’d just enjoyed. I think they were relieved the trampy, American high schooler was staying with them for only a week versus an entire semester. (Editor’s note: Just to be clear, I was not pregnant in high school, in France or in any other country. I was just confused about verb conjugation.)     

This is the same feeling I had last night when cocktailing with my friend Audrey. You see Audrey is a banker. She not only balances her check book. She also knows her credit score and all about the intricacies of home equity loans. Many of the phrases that trip off Audrey’s tongue do – in fact – sound like French to me. But I nod sagely and pretend that I am a responsible adult who also balances her checkbook, knows her credit score and – of course – has a home equity loan. (Editor’s note: If I could use it at Sephora I would most definitely have one.)

This exchange led me to think up a new category for the blog: “What Experts Wish You Knew”. This will be an occasional feature where I grill my various friends about their area of expertise and share it with you. Did I write friends? I meant “industry experts”.

So, to kick it off, here’s what my Banking Guru has to say… In a nutshell, home equity loans are the bomb. You apply for one. If you qualify, you get a line of credit that you can use any time within the next several years in case of emergency or in case of immediate need to go on vacation in the tropics. The options are endless. So are the banks out there. You’ve gotta shop around (like shopping’s a chore!), but there are lenders out there who won’t charge you if you don’t end up using the home equity line. They won’t even charge you for the application.

In these recessionary times, it’s like a security blanket. Almost as good as the Snoopy one you had back in the day. Consult your own favorite banker and/or tax advisor for further details.