5 Easy Ways to 'Just Say No'

Dear Guru Girl,

How can I say “no”? I’m getting asked to do all kinds of stuff. I don’t have time for half of it. How can I say “no” but keep my people-pleasing ways?

Sincerely, Stressed Out Yes-Woman

First off, I feel your pain. I also hate saying “no”, and Peppy Community Ladies (PCLs) are always hitting me up for my mad volunteer skills. But for my sanity, I do say “no”. Here are ways to do it:

1.      The hard no – Must be uttered with a sincere crushed expression. You say,”Shoot. My schedule is booked solid. But thanks for thinking of me.” The “thanks” part is key. It softens the “no” and leaves the interaction on a positive note.

2.    The soft no --  “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

Checking your schedule is just good practice. And when you check it you could conceivably find that the event directly conflicts with your “US Weekly” reading time.

Note: you leave the “US Weekly” part out when you reconnect with PCL to tell her you can’t do it. You just say your schedule is booked. You never explain what exactly it’s booked with, because this just invites PCL to come back at you with how you really can fit her event into your jam packed life. Clearly, PCL has never read “US Weekly” and doesn’t realize how engrossing it is. “US Weekly” reading time can never be shortened.

3.    The partial yes – “I can’t be in charge of the school event/church committee/ neighborhood watch, but I’d be happy to volunteer with the group once it’s off the ground.”

4.    The “Are you nuts?!” look – Give PCL the look. The one your kids know means they’ve stepped over the line, like when each one orders something different for dinner, clearly mistaking you for a short order cook instead of their mother.

5.     Pretend not to speak English – Obviously this works in select circumstances only.

Lastly, banish the guilt. I often say “yes” because PCL also has a lot on her plate, she’s a good person and it’s a good cause. Here’s the thing: there are lots of good causes out there. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you choose to not run the school auction/ head up the church gala/ deliver Meals On Wheels to needy seniors.

It means you’re a person who has many demands on her time, a clear set of boundaries about how she’ll spend her free time and a confidence in her value as a person that she doesn’t have to say “yes” every time she’s asked to join something.

With that said, I do believe it’s important to give back to the world. I have even been PCL on occasion, but it’s important to honestly assess the time you have to give and where it can be best spent. The commitment that comes from this genuine reflection will serve you – and the volunteer group – well. Because you’ll be doing stuff you really care about, not just stuff you got guilt-tripped into.

“No” is a good word. Each week “US Weekly” tells us about times when people should have said “no”.

-         Lindsay Lohan – “No, my kleptomaniac self can’t go to that party where fancy jewelry will be laying around, begging to be picked up.”

-         Kim Kardashian – “No, I can’t be on “Dancing With The Stars”. I really can’t dance.”

-         Dina Eastwood – “No, I can’t do a reality show on E. Americans will start a petition to institutionalize my national treasure of a husband because he clearly lost his mind in marrying me.”