4 Top Father's Day Gifts

Guru Guy wins. He emerged with the “most improved” title after our recent trip to Europe. All those months of training runs at grocery stores and Ikea with the Dynamic Duo paid off.

Guru Guy rocked it. Despite the crowds and the heat and the fraud protection from our bank (so on-point that it prevented even us from withdrawing any of our money from ATMs).

Every year we have a “most improved” contest. The spouse who has improved the most wins. The only voters are me and my fella. Even the year my friend Paul lobbied hard to cast a vote. (Because Paul knows how much I love winning, and he believed my fella was not getting full props for his spousal improvement efforts.)

This is no longer the case. Guru Guy swept “most improved”. In every category. Attitude, parenting engagement, having-a-clue and even on-ground finesse (which requires graceful navigation of congested urban environments with offspring in tow).

Even his one meltdown – when he directed the Dynamic Duo to “step away from the elevator buttons, step away now”– was awesome. Because it made me laugh so hard I cried.

Messing up elevator operation in a giant hotel is no joke. And neither is winning “most improved”. So I’m getting Guru Guy his engraved winner’s trophy (dog-tags from the kiosk at PetSmart), but I feel like I should go above-and-beyond for Father’s Day too.

The catalog Uncommon Goods has some excellent options. Like the Aroma Fork which, according to the catalog, lets you “explore the sense of smell’s role in taste and enjoy an enhanced dining experience”.

The set includes 21 oil essences of herbs and fruits that you spear with your fork. The scent of this pod, coupled with the actual taste of the food you’re eating off your fork, is supposed to blow your culinary mind. For $59 it had better. (Click this link to go to uncommongoods.com to check out this bounty for yourself!)

Or I could get him this Colorful Face Mug. Check out its expression. If I filled the bottom part with croissants and the top with espresso it would totally replicate Guru Guy’s European Elevator moment.

Or there’s a Mini Beer Pong set designed to be filled with craft beer. If I did my hair up big and presented this to him it would be like giving him the gift of time travel. Back to the 90s. Richard Branson’s got nothing on me.

I am still jet-lagged and staggering though. So I may go with the tried-and-true Father’s Day gift: surprise him with a family hike and show him we’re all capable of winning “most improved/sports category”. As most improved hikers we will not stop for snacks, bathroom breaks, selfies or complaining.

Instead, unlike past years, we shall spend our time actually hiking and stop only to appreciate nature. Guru Guy will also enjoy this. Perhaps as much as he will enjoy the fact there are no elevators or malfunctioning ATMs in nature.

Happy travels and Happy Father’s Day, all! 

2 Great Father's Day Gifts

Brookstone has let me down. So has Best Buy. I’m scared to go into the Apple store. And Father’s Day is in 2 days.

I got nothing. No creative ideas. No fun projects to spearhead. And if I come home with another golf shirt Guru Guy is going to make his other family his favorite – the one he spends weekends and holidays with. I don’t believe for a second he travels a lot for work.

So I went searching online and found a site I’m not entirely sure is for real. It could be a fake site that ostensibly sells items that are funny but no way does anyone actually think they’re real. I am always getting fooled about stuff like this. Like those “people” who think “The Onion” is a real newspaper.

Back to the site-of-the-day, it’s called Likecool.com and the stuff it has is genius for guys. Like the napkin picnic table. Portable, romantic (in a “Lady & The Tramp” way) and funny. Like Guru Guy himself!

Or the lonely tent. Nothing makes my fella grumpier than setting up a tent. This one sets up itself! This would be so handy at the swim meets we’re now attending for the 8 year old.

The only downside is the tent has no windows and sitting by oneself in a windowless tent all day is a bit odd. On second thought, getting branded Swim Parent Weirdo wouldn’t be such a great Father’s Day gift. 

The other item I saw and didn’t like was the dog friendly sleeping bag. It has a special feature where you fasten Fido’s collar to the sleeping bag.

In theory, this keeps him from running wildly around the tent.

In reality, here’s how that would work. Our dog Stanley would hear something menacing -- a bear, a squirrel or a leaf falling -- and that crazy dog would rampage around the tent, dragging the attached sleeping bag and my attached sleeping fella with him. 

That would be really funny to see but perhaps not so funny to experience. 

However, the site likecool.com is both – funny to see and funny to experience.(Click this link to visit www.likecool.com.)

But perhaps I had better leave the site alone for Father’s Day and go back to my tried and true gift: detailing Guru Guy’s car! Because nothing says happy father’s day like a ride with no goldfish shards or juice boxes in it. 

Happy Father’s Day, all!

Valentine's Pick For Your Guy: "Cards Against Humanity"

Why would I decide to paint my fella’s office on the sly?

He’s been out of town this past week so I thought it would be the perfect chance to whip up a new office and surprise him.

Begone, girly yellow on the wall. Hello, masculine taupe.

These were my thoughts at the beginning of the week. It is now the end of the week, and this is what I have.

I was right about one thing. My fella is certainly going to be surprised when he comes home tonight.

The pressure is on. And I’m not the kind of girl who responds well to pressure. It makes me want to nap and binge view HGTV.

There will be none of that going on. Today I will be painting, but I think I’ll zip out and get my fella another surprise present, just in case this painting thing goes further awry.

I’m going to get my guy “Cards Against Humanity”, a card game that’s supposed to be positively filthy. Filthy and funny, two things that will completely take my fella’s mind off his office, which is also filthy but not so funny.

If you also need a good party game for the irreverent, not-easily-offended guy in your life whose office you’ve just decimated, pick up a set of “Cards Against Humanity”. With any luck it will offend him more than your latest decorating project. (Click this link to visit the "Cards Against Humanity" website, where you can purchase the game for around $10.)

A Great Father's Day Gift

I am going to knock it out of the park this Father’s Day. This is good because I need the win.   

It is unfortunate that earlier this week it was my fella’s ride I was driving when I saw the flash. You know the flash. The one from the hidden police van, the one that nabs you driving over the speed limit. In your fella’s ride. Which means the photo radar ticket is going to come addressed to him in the mail. Which means --gnashing his teeth --  he’ll open the ticket, only to find a picture of me, his speed demon of a wife, behind the wheel.

It would be better to confess this transgression now, before the ticket comes. But I think I’ll do it instead next weekend when my fella is basking in the joy of a Father’s Day gift that is exactly right.

There is nothing that says “Happy Father’s Day” better than high speed go-carting with the family. My fella will like it far more than a golf shirt or grilling gadget. Indeed, this adventure will cause him to remember his wife’s lead footed ways as an asset, not a liability. The shrieks of laughter and joy from his daughters on the track will drown out memories of the other kind of shrieking he hears more regularly, namely shrieks of rage between siblings.

I am pretty sure high-speed go carting is going to earn me the title of “best father’s day gift planner ever”. You can earn this title too as it’s available nationwide. Just google “K 1 racing” as this company provides go cart racing nationwide or you could try “high speed go carts” for information in your area. In general, kiddos have to be at least 4” tall to be in a child car and 58” tall to be in an adult car. At our local track the price is around $26 for 14 laps. (Click this link to go to K1 Speed website to learn more about go karting with your friends & family.) 

Guru girls, start your engines!

10 Girl Turn On's Versus 10 Guy Turn On's

“10 Guy Turn On’s” was an article that recently ran on MSN.com. They included:

-       nice nails

-       a knowing smile

-       black lingerie

-       a seductive gaze

-       anything off the shoulder

-       cleavage

-       bedhead hair

-       subtle makeup

-       high heels

-       wearing his shirt 

Huh. I offer, as a counterpoint, the female perspective.

10 Girl Turn On’s (when you’ve been together a long time & have what the British call “ankle biters” at home). To light the flame at home, a fella should be:

-       sporting stubble

-       smelling recently showered

-       wearing, um, clothes, anything but sweatpants or duds from college days

-       carrying a dustbuster

-       carrying lunch-making items

-       carrying one of the ankle biters

-       carrying -- & reading -- a “honey do” list

-       making the “I’m listening” face -- & actually listening

-       winking, when one of the ankle biters is freaking out, the dog is throwing up and the water heater is gushing

-       walking with the strut that owns it, the strut that says, “The house, the kids, the dog, the yard, the job, the spouse? It’s crazy, it’s covered, and I know how lucky I am to have it.”

Get some of these bases covered, guru guys, and who knows? The guru girls in your lives might just check a few items off your list as well. Here’s to list-reading, cleavage-baring and all the other activities that keep us all smiling!     

The Dark Side Of Twitter

Dear KitchenAid,

I heard about your Twitter disaster. It is a total bummer that someone on your corporate Twitter team mistakenly tweeted to all KitchenAid followers a rude message about a certain president.

I share your Twitter pain. I can totally understand how someone could hit the wrong button and mistakenly tweet, on the corporate account, a message that she wrote for her private Twitter peeps. Side note: Is this really such a big deal? Does KitchenAid really have that many followers? And if so, why?

I myself only have 3 followers on Twitter. This turns out to be a good thing as I have also mistakenly abused this social media channel. I have been posting headlines that are longer than the message is supposed to be.

This oversight should be causing me as much personal embarrassment as your KitchenAid employee is currently suffering. But it’s not. Because America loves a redemption story. (And also because I have only 3 followers.)

So I’ll redeem myself, as I’m sure your Twitter team member will. I’ll figure out what the heck a vanity short URL is, and I’ll even use it. Heck, I might get good enough that I’ll apply to be a Twitter team member for you, KitchenAid! I already have several of the job qualifications mastered, such as generation of possibly offensive content (see first “craft project” post).

Sincerely,

guru girl

 

4 Fashion Faux Pas For Fellas

 

Every quarter I hand out “getting to know you” questionnaires to my college students. It’s typical stuff – where are you from, favorite hobbies etc. If I were completely honest on my own questionnaire, I’d have to list people watching at the airport as one of my favorite hobbies.

 

I love people watching at the airport, and it’s a good thing because I got a good chance to do it yesterday. Specifically all day yesterday when our flight got cancelled, and my fella and I got to spend some quality airport time.

 

I know guys in their 30s and 40s can be sartorially challenged. I know they might not care about fashion or style. This is no excuse. If you leave the house, you are inflicting your fashion on other people. Read on for a quick guide of what to strike from your closet forever.

1.     Shower shoes – Anything striped and plastic is a non-starter. They’re called shower shoes for a reason. You wear them in the shower, not at the terminal for Frontier Airlines.

 

2.    Embellished jeans – News flash: you’re not all up in the club. You’re up in the customer service representative’s face, trying to sweet talk her into letting you fly stand by. If she thinks you’re a club kid trying to make the mile high club in her aircraft it’s not going to help your case.

 

If the back pockets of your jeans have more frosting on them than your kid’s last birthday cake, that’s a problem. There’s a solution for that. They’re called Tommy Bahama jeans, and your wife will thank me if you get a pair.  

3.    Ed Hardy T-shirts – You cannot wear these unless you’ve got a steel horse in the driveway and a sleeve of tattoos… because this is what the Ed Hardy t-shirt suggests when you wear it.

Ed Hardys make guys look like posers. Rock your (non-logo-ed, with collar) shirt with pride. And leave the posing to those fools who think they’re closer to winning the “flying standby” lottery the closer they inch to the jetway.

4.    Jewelry – Any jewelry.

 “What about watches?” says my guy.

Fine.

 “What about wedding rings?”

 Fine.

 “What about those Lance Armstrong plastic bracelets?”

 Fine.

 “What about…”

I had to cut my guy off because he was being almost as annoying as my fellow stand-by passengers.

 
So I didn’t win the flying standby lottery yesterday. But I did win a few other things that I like a lot:

 - an extra night of vacation, courtesy of United Airlines

 - room service, courtesy of United Airlines

 - the privilege of picking the movies my fella and I watch for the next month because I let my guy pick the movie to watch in the hotel last night and he picked “Rock Of Ages” and it was terrible, almost as terrible as the fashion choices of the flying public these days.

Music Review: Metal & Bluegrass

Usually tributes are the worst. All of those song tributes to Whitney Houston? Bad. And the tributes to Michael Jackson? Worse. That poor man got an entire tribute concert, complete with a holographic image that made it look like he’d breakdanced his way back from the dead. That is just plain wrong.

But I’ve finally found a musical tribute that is just plain right. Even better than the original, and the points you score with your fella when you buy it for him? Higher than Tiger Woods’ score card at the Augusta. The CD is called “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica”, and it’s a “must have” for your favorite head-banger.

Instead of all raging and distorted like the originals, the plucky banjo action lets the actual words come through. And when you catch your favorite fella playing air guitar to it -- the kind of blissed out look on his face that you usually see only when he’s off to take a weekend nap -- you’ll know it was a good choice.

“Master of Puppets” you’re not, but “Mistress of Sweet Music”? Add that to your business card. (Available on Amazon for around $15.)

Big Green Egg Grill: Father's Day Winner

Most Epic Father’s Day Present Ever: Big Green Egg

Want to earn the rep – this Father’s Day – as “coolest baby mama ever”? Look no further than your local Ace Hardware store. Because there in the corner is your answer: The Big Green Egg. It is to grills what Gisele Bundchen is to supermodels.

The leader of the pack. Great performance and minimal drama. Impossibly sleek. Okay, that part was a lie. Sleek, the Big Green Egg is not, as -- truthfully -- it resembles a big, green grenade.  But this gadget will make the grilling maestro in your life so happy that you really won’t mind the aesthetic travesty it makes of your deck.

It will make him almost as happy as if Gisele Bundchen were his baby mama. But some things in life are unattainable (see Gisele Bundchen for your favorite fella and Tom Brady for you), whereas the Big Green Egg? Nip out to Ace Hardware on your lunch break, and it’s yours.

Wrap it up and present it to your guy for Father’s Day this weekend, and you get to enjoy the grilling bounty it produces all summer long. This is a hot-ticket item so you may have to call around to different Ace stores to see which one has it in stock. It’s also on sale at various online outlets. The cost of this grill/smoker/outdoor oven is around $750.   Ace Hardware is easiest, local outlet.