Blog Dog Gets His Halloween On

 

Fashion “Do”: Dressing Your Dog Up For Halloween

Stanley has many things on his “to do” list today:

1)    Protecting guru girl from squirrels.

2)   Protecting Gotham City from evil.

Happy Halloween, guru girls & guys!

3 Reasons To Catch "Argo": They All Start With "B"

Today I’m singing the praises of a great American. Ben Affleck to be specific. This was my favorite line from “Argo”, the movie he’s currently starring in. “You’re a great American,” Ben’s boss tells him at one point. Ben nods humbly. I can’t remember what happened next because I was too busy swooning and elbowing my fella, who was cackling in the seat next to me. He knows how much I love Ben Affleck.

“Argo” is your gotta-see flick this weekend. Not just because there’s a 4 second shot of shirtless Ben Affleck. It’s also suspenseful, dramatic, based on a real life event and features my movie star boyfriend. Ben spends much of the movie looking involved and heroic, much as I imagine he would if he were my real life boyfriend.

“You need those leaves raked, guru girl? Sure thing,” Ben would say to me, before striking a heroic pose with the leaf blower.

“Argo” is about the real life rescue of 5 American embassy employees, who got stuck hiding out in Iran when revolutionaries took over the embassy and held their coworkers hostage. It’s up to Ben Affleck, government spy guy, to save them. He rescues the group in a positively outlandish way, made believable only by Ben’s many soulful, weight-of-the-world close ups.

The rescue is not a spoiler because this stuff actually went down in 1979, so we know it ends well. What’s admirable about this movie (besides Mr. Affleck’s pecs) is how edge-of-your-seat suspenseful it is, despite knowing the ending.

The movie must’ve had one heckuva director. Oh wait, it did. Ben Affleck directed it too. Catch “Argo” this weekend, and I guarantee you’ll want to join me as part of Ben’s fan club. Or at least quit cracking "Gigli" jokes (which we fan club members don't appreciate, TN1970.)

T-shirts Free To Good Home

Let the guerilla marketing begin. Guru girl has made up t-shirts with plans to shamelessly press them on friends and family. When the 6 year old heard this, she was very unhappy.

“But I don’t want to be a gorilla,” she complained. “I want to be a unicorn.”

Let the unicorn marketing begin! As we speak, a t-shirt could be winging its way through the mail to you. If you don’t get one and want one, send me an e-mail. If you live here in Denver, get your excuse ready. Because the next time I see you, I’ll be pressing one on you and forcing you to pose for a picture in it.

 

 

Probably your husband too.

 

Like at the kids' soccer party this week.  Kids can't be the only ones walking away with trophies.

The t-shirts are free. The only requirement is that you vow to wear it once a week at the gym. No donating it to Goodwill. If I see any panhandlers sporting guru girl t-shirts, I’m going to be mad.  

Am sure this effort will be so successful that I’ll be turning to other promotional measures soon, such as car-wrapping. Is your ride looking a little worse-for-the-wear? Nothing like a life-size visual of guru girl to perk it right up.

HGTV's "Living Abroad" Makes This Broad Happy

I’m all about luxury services, and this is one of the reasons I think I would do well living in Dubai. My friend Kenzie who actually lives in Dubai says it’s not all luxury services and malls there. There’s a little thing called a daily temperature of 134 degrees, every day in August. But I’m not one to let, oh, reality, intrude on my fantasy.

So I have mixed emotions about HGTV’s latest series called “Living Abroad”. It showcases American families, just like mine, and their adventure living in foreign lands, like Dubai or Japan or other far-flung destinations.

I like the series because it allows me to indulge my “path not traveled” fantasy life, like a good chat with Kenzie. Did you know most Americans in Dubai have a nanny and a housekeeper? It’s the fastest growing market for luxury goods, and at Dubaian swimming pools they have sunglass butlers whose whole job is simply to shine your sunglasses. Sign me up! Also, could I import one of those guys over here to help me find my sunglasses?     

I don’t like the show “Living Abroad” because it shows some of the gritty reality too, like the isolation of living in a culture that’s not your own. Kenzie shares some of this stuff as well when I talk to her. Like the fact that kangaroo burgers are easier to get in Dubai than pork anything. And the fact that it’s easier to procure camel milk than alcohol in this Muslim society.

I’m a Libra with an ability to “go with the flow” pretty much anywhere, but Dubai might be a tough putt for me. I could rock a burkini (what’s not to like about a wetsuit one can trick out with rhinestones?), but a ban on Pinot Grigio and beachside PDA would be tricky. So would the fact that my fella would have to “sponsor” me. I know he would abuse this "authority" by monopolizing the remote control the whole time we were there and/or threatening to sell me to camel traders.

So I think I’ll continue my monopoly on the remote and continue watching Dubai on “Living Abroad” from the safety of my nanny-less, housekeeper-less, sunglasses-butler-less home.   (Click on this link for more information about "Living Abroad" on HGTV.)

 

Best. Gift. Ever. (For Your Favorite Wise Ass)

Finally, we have proof that the peyote buttons have gotten to Robert Redford. Why else would you relocate to remote Utah? I know Redford says it’s to run a fashion empire. But have you seen the fashion his empire has put out this season? Imagine the moms at drop-off rocking this hat…

 

 or this one.

 

These are all options from the latest Sundance catalogue.

I think this is proof positive that old Redford is doing something ghanja-related that is altering his reality and also the hat-wearing reality of millions of American women who look up to him as a style icon.

Do not rock this hat. Do not buy this hat for anyone over the age of 10. Unless it’s as a joke for the wise ass in your life. In this case, run right out and buy it. Don’t tell her it’s a joke. Invite her out for a brisk walk immediately after. Then watch, and giggle, as she feels compelled to wear her new hat. Snap a pic of her in it, and tag it on Facebook. The possibilities are endless. Like the number of looks She-Who-Wears-This-Hat will be getting from strangers.

1 Fast Recipe For The Slow Cooker

I have a bone to pick. I realize this in itself is not news, as I seem to go on “are you kidding me?!” rants on the blog here about once a week. So cathartic! So much cheaper than therapy! Maybe my tip of the day should be: start a blog.

But no, today’s tip concerns crock pots. I’ll get to that once I rant a little bit about the writers of crock pot recipes. Do they not realize  the reason a cook is using a crock pot is because she’s pressed for time? She doesn’t have 20 extra minutes to sauté or flambé or do other exotic, saucepan things to the meat. She barely has time to slice open the gross, meat container and throw the contents into the crock pot.

 

So why do all of these recipes require that you first spend a good chunk of time browning the meat in a saucepan first? And why do all of these recipes end up tasting the same? Vaguely stew-like?

The crock pot industry needs to do something about this. They need to pressure those recipe writers into coming up with crock pot dishes that are actually good and easy and don’t require onions (because onions are just the worst to cut up).

In all of my crock pot days -- and there have been many -- I’ve only come across one easy, and good, crock pot recipe. And it still requires that you do the meat-browning and onion-cutting steps. Grrrr… But at least it doesn’t taste like stew once you’re done.

I’m reprinting it here. It came from my friend Betsy. Last year I made if for Christmas Eve dinner for the entire guru girl clan. It was really, really good so it made the sucky extra steps worth it.   

Crock Pot Coconut Chicken Curry

Ingredients:

1 tbs olive oil

1 lb. skinless chicken breast tenders

¼ tsp each – paprika, salt, black pepper

1 yellow onion, thicky diced

1 cup baby carrots

8 small, red potatoes, scrubbed & quartered

1       cup haricot verts (I think these are green beans.)*

*This is how Betsy wrote the recipe. Seriously.

1 cup chicken broth

1 14 oz. can light coconut milk

1 tbs cornstarch

1 tbs curry powder

½ tsp salt

Preparation:

1.     Heat oil in large skillet. Place chicken in skillet and sprinkle each side with salt, pepper and paprika. Brown chicken over medium heat, 3 to 4 min. per side.

2.    Place browned chicken in crockpot. Add carrots & haricot verts.

3.    In same skillet, sauté onions and potatoes on medium heat 4-6 minutes. Stir often. Add to crock pot.

4.    In bowl, mix rest of ingredients.

5.    Add liquid to skillet and cook over medium heat, 3-4 min, stirring constantly until mixture thickens. Pour in crock pot.

6.    Cover and cook on low for 5-6 hours.

7.    Serve over Jasmine or Basmati rice. (If you get Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice, in the orange plastic package, it’s ready after a 90 second zap in the microwave.)

Happy crock potting, guru girls and guys! And if you have a decent crock pot recipe, consider sharing where you got it in the “comments” section!

 

Life Wisdom From The Container Store

Everything should have a home. No, this isn’t a political think piece about America’s immigration issue. This is guru girl here. I don’t have enough coffee – or brain power – in me to do that today or really ever. No, today I’m writing about items in your home having a home designed for the task. Not just stashed haphazardly in a cardboard box left over from your last run to Costco.

The billions of photographs you have from back when you actually printed them and didn’t just store them on your computer? There are photo boxes you can store them in.

The kids’ art projects that multiply like mice (that comparison’s for you, Tish!) every year? There are giant, plastic portfolios for those.

How about wrapping paper, bows, gift bags and tags? They don’t have to be wedged into one giant, crumpled gift bag. There are gift wrapping storage cases. Finally, last week I’d had enough, and I took myself to the Container Store and got one.

Only instead of running out, in a hot lather to make some organizational sense of my home, I actually took a breath and thought about how gift wrapping works at my house. Where do I do it? What tools do I need for it?

Usually, I gift wrap, sitting on the floor, with a panting dog and wrestling children “helping”. This is important information to consider because it means one of those hanging gift wrap gizmos wouldn’t work for me. But they have flat wrapping cases perfect for storing under the bed. So I thought about if I had any under-the-bed space available for such an item, and it turns out I do!

This simple change has got me all fired up. To wrap a present! Because now I know where everything is for the task, so instead of being an arduous, “how can I be an adult and not know where the scissors are?!” exercise in frustration it seems kind of fun.

Think about where you’re storing stuff in your house and how you’re storing it. Does it make sense? Does it make you dread the job?

There’s probably another way to do it, and I know the fine folks at the Container Store have already thought of it. Take a stroll through their aisles to see the amazing storage solutions they’ve come up with.

Yes, the gadgets they sell are only made of plastic, highly overpriced plastic at that. But it’s magical plastic that’s worth the price of admission because it will streamline your life. Streamlined life = streamlined head. And who doesn’t want that? Unless you’re Lady Gaga who wears tiaras made of meat and other paraphernalia. And if that’s the camp you fall in, you’ve got bigger problems than wrapping paper storage. (Click this link to view different options from the Container Store.)

 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

 
I don’t like change. My favorite boots are older than both my children. I’ve driven the same car for years. I don’t have an android phone. (Confession: Didn’t even know the term “android” until recently.)

I have a chat-and-text phone, an upgrade that my students teased me into getting a few years ago. They were ridiculing my go-phone and refused to consider my excuse valid. When one drops cell phones -- as often as I do, in my multitasking day -- fancy phones are a bit foolish. Totally valid excuse. Unless you’re 20 and hip and your phone is your life line.   

I kept our Netflix subscription for years. Despite the skyrocketing rates and the fact that we’re seldom in the mood to watch the movie that’s just been delivered. Why is that?
 
But times, they are a changin’. And we’ve got to change with them. Think about what’s not working in your life. Think about how it could work better. Is it feasible to switch it up? Often, the answer is “yes”. But we’re too set in our ways or fearful or just plain lazy to make the change.

Not guru girl. Last week I cancelled the Netflix subscription. Then, as if the universe delivered it to me, I got stuck at a traffic light next to a store that had recently opened. Video One. It’s an old-school, video rental store, 5 blocks from my house. The kind where you can wander the aisles and pick out exactly the kind of flick you’re in the mood for.
 
And the money I’m saving on that stupid Netflix subscription? I’m putting it towards a new phone. An android phone! Which is going to be delivered in a few weeks, and I’m pretty sure will be life-changing.

Just like the movie that I rented from Video One for tonight’s movie night with the Dynamic Duo.

“Footloose” and an i-phone. Does life get any better?

2 Simple Habits For A Better You

This must be the week for laughable advice from the experts because it’s all over the place. Honest-to-God experts, industry professionals (not just shingle hangin’ bloggers like guru girl) are going on the record with advice that is ridiculous in its simplicity. But just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s not true, so here goes…

1.     For a decorating transformation, design guru Nate Berkus (he of the dazzling dimples and great hair) says, “Clean your house.” That’s it. Dig in with just a little bit of elbow grease to make your digs shine. After all, it doesn’t matter how fabulous the design elements if you can’t see them beneath a pile of “Us Weekly”, soccer gear and mail. Not that I’d know this from personal experience.

2.    And this just in from dozens of health experts… get enough sleep. 7 hours a night, at a minimum. Or you gain weight. We’re talking eat-a-Snickers-bar-every-night kind of weight gain. This is caused by the complicated relationship between sleep and hunger-inducing vs. hunger-suppressing hormones.

We're getting dangerously close to science talk here so let me put it another way: Is staying up to watch “The Voice” worth it? No. Staying up to watch “The Voice” isn’t worth it, even if the action isn’t directly related to a negative like weight gain.

Christina Aguilera is awful. Adam Levine isn’t much better, and Blake Shelton judges contestants not on their voices but their bra size. In sum, go to bed early. So you can get up early, to clean your house. Life won’t be as fun as usual, but maybe you’ll be too skinny and neat to notice.

 

Magic 8 Ball Says...

In a telephone poll they’re asking voters the following question: If you were on a ship in a storm at sea, who would you want to be the captain? Obama or Romney?

Apparently they are using this question to try to determine who will win the presidential race. This part doesn’t interest me as much, as I think it sounds like the kind of nonsensical, Magic 8 ball prediction typically practiced at my house, and I’ve seen how that turns out.

 

“Magic 8 Ball, will my fella remember to take out the trash?”

Answer: Future is unclear.

Editor’s note: Exactly. About as unclear as our garbage can.  

But I am interested in the question itself, at a personal level. If I were on a ship, in a storm, at sea, who would I want to be the captain? I had to ponder it for awhile, but I came up with an answer. My vote for captain would be my friend Ashley’s husband. I can’t use his name here because it’s distinctive, and he works in finance, and you know my policy about protecting the identities of my friends who have dignified jobs. But here’s why I would pick Ashley’s husband:

1.     He’s handy.

2.    He’s level-headed.

3.    He already has a boat.

4.    He puts up with my friend, Ashley. So he would totally be used to putting up with the kind of histrionics I would throw at him. (Ashley is like a sister to me so I can say this sort of thing; also, she is a Scorpio and you know how Scorpios are.)

5.    He’s not related to me. I always behave better, more courteously, more courageously, and in a less pain-in-the ass manner, with non-family members.

6.    He has demonstrated past skills. Ashley’s husband did, ultimately, find and dispose of the garter snake that showed up for dinner at their house one night. He only did this once I stood on a chair, and said I was going to stay at a hotel if he didn’t. But this incident shows that he reacts well under pressure and also to threats of revolt, all important traits when adrift at sea.

So my choice for ship captain is Ashley’s husband. If you knew him, he’d probably be your choice as well. Which means he should give up the finance gig and start eyeing higher office. I would totally volunteer to run his Magic 8 ball, popularity polls.  

Ponder your own answer to this question. Then tell the person you would choose that they’re your choice. Tell ‘em why. It will brighten their day, and these days we all need a little of that.

6 Ways To Mouse Proof Your House

I see visions. Not like that kid in “The Sixth Sense” but visions that are no less scary. They’re visions of mice. Scurrying across the kitchen floor. Let’s be clear: there are no actual mice scurrying. Because I have the pest control guy on permanent retainer. He visits every 6 weeks. All year. That’s how scared I am of mice. Because we had a mouse problem. Once upon a time.

That’s a thing about living in an old -- I mean, historic -- house that realtors don’t tell you. They seduce you with the high ceilings and stained glass. You’re so busy looking up that you don’t think to look down, at the foundation and baseboards, which (at 100 years old) aren’t as level as one might wish. Unless one were a mouse yearning for a house in which to winter.

So I have some tips on how to mouse-proof your own house. Actually my pest control guy does. Because I interview him extensively every time he’s here. So for today’s “What Experts Wish You Knew” we have mouse-proofing wisdom from Ted, my Terminix guy.

1.     Accept the facts. If you live in the West, this winter’s gonna be bad. We didn’t have a really cold winter last year so the mouse colony is thriving because none of them died from the elements. You need to get your own Ted and have him visit your house regularly. Every 6 weeks in order to stay ahead of the problem.

And by “stay ahead” I mean poison the crackle out of those vermin. And no, environmentalist friends, I don’t care about the introduction of harmful chemical pellets to my home. I consider that a fair trade for the ability to walk into my kitchen without shuddering.

2.    Investigate along the foundation of your house. If there are any holes or gaps fill them up with steel wool. A hole that’s even the size of a thumb tack is big enough for a mouse to get through. Garage doors that sit a bit askew are also a problem. Get your garage service professional out ASAP.

3.    Don’t fill your bird feeders. Because yes, those cute cardinals snack up on bird seed. But so do mice. So, in essence, you’re offering them not only lodging but also a free buffet. Yank the bird feed. It’s your house. Not a Marriott for mice.

4.    Store your dog food in sealed containers. Same rationale as above.

5.    If you have to run from a mouse, avoid the periphery of the room. Mice are blind. They run in a path that hugs the wall. If you are afraid they might dash up your leg – they are, after all, blind – your path, in running from them, should be through the middle of the room.  

6.    If you think your mouse problem is over, don’t store the mouse traps on top of the refrigerator like my fella once did, without my knowledge. Mice are curious. Mice can climb. Use your imagination to envision what I found on top of the refrigerator one morning. Now use your imagination to envision what I yelled at my fella. Because this is a family friendly site so it can’t be reprinted.  

In sum, please don’t be afraid to come over to my house for dinner. Well, you should be a little afraid but only because of my cooking skills, not because our house has a mouse problem. Because it doesn’t anymore. Thanks to the aforementioned tips.

Happy mouse-proofing, guru girls and guys!

 

Book Recommend: Cursing Mommy's Book Of Days

My inner monologue sounds a lot like Cartman from “South Park”. I thought I was the only one. Turns out I’m not. Am in the middle of The Cursing Mommy’s Book Of Days. It’s a book that had me roaring with laughter last night.

 

Because the main character has an inner monologue similar to mine and Cartman! She gets into more misadventures than I do and is more bitter and swears a lot more. Otherwise, there are a lot of disturbing similarities between us.

Here’s the even more upsetting part: This character is written by a fella. The writer Ian Frazier to be specific. Evidently, he based this over-the-top character and book on a series of columns he wrote for The New Yorker. They were meant to satirize the life and times of modern moms and the world we live in.

Huh. My musings here on the blog are not satirical. They are honest accounts of the challenges in my daily life and tips about how you can meet these challenges better, thus avoiding some of the conundrums that have confronted me, such as our current one.

The 9 year old is participating in a talent show at our church this weekend. She wants to rap a song. This is not a problem. She is an excellent rapper. She wants to rap the song “I Got A Man” by Positive K. This is a problem. Because she’s, well, 9 and the song features lyrics such as “What am I, some crap inmate, just home from jail, sweatin’ you for a date?”

I can’t imagine this song would go over well at the talent show. So here’s my tip: I don’t care if it’s your jam. If it has wildly inappropriate lyrics, you should not repeatedly blast it on the i-pad as you dance around the kitchen and make dinner. This can have unforeseen consequences, beyond burning the chicken.

Bake Sale Best Seller: Owl Cupcakes

‘Tis the season of bake sales. I hate bake sales. Mostly because I hate baking. I once made chocolate chip cookies for the school bake sale, and they didn’t sell. They just sat there on the table. Not being bought. Possibly this is because they were a little flat. I have never managed to figure out the high altitude baking thing. Despite the fact that I’ve lived at high altitude for, oh, 14 years now.

But cupcakes? I’m your girl. I whip them up, using the recipe right off the back of the Pillsbury box. They are delicious and puffy, every time. But they lack some of the visual pizazz that makes a bake sale item a best seller.

So I was very excited when the newest member of our family, my cousin Tom’s wife, Jane, sent us this fabulous owl cupcake recipe. I don’t know where Jane got it, or I’d credit the source because I really think everyone should make these cupcakes, and then the mastermind behind them would get her own cooking show, which I could start watching instead of that stupid “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, a habit which I can’t seem to k-k-k-kick.

 

In a nutshell, here’s how you make these owl cupcakes:

1.     Make your favorite cupcake.

2.    Frost with chocolate frosting.

3.    Break Oreo cookies apart. Use the piece with the frosting on it for the eyes. Use the other moon shape for the ears.

4.    Use M&Ms for the eyes and wedge a yellow one in sideways for the beak.

So cute! And so full of visual pizazz that your cupcakes will be the runaway best seller at the bake sale. You will have singlehandedly raised enough money for the school that there will be Promethean boards in every room and an organic salad bar for the cafeteria… a luxury that will then become part of the school’s vision statement, which will likely be amended to outlaw any sort of yummy treats at bake sales, such as owl cupcakes.   

4 Reasons Your Dog Skyrockets Your Blood Pressure

Quick. I need an emotional ceremony to attend. It could be a wedding, baptism, retirement bash. I’m open. That’s how annoyed I am with the dog. Usually when I attend any of these ceremonies I’m kind of an emotional mess. I think of irritating things Stanley, the dog, has done in order to keep it together. Sometimes it’s hard to think of enough things. Not this week.

1.     The dog is shedding. And by shedding I mean losing vast quantities of hair. All over the place. I brushed the stairs with a dog brush this morning. Because the vacuum cleaner can’t hack it anymore. And I’ve run out of sticky lint roller sheets.

I’m going to have to buy a new vacuum. Or else I’m going to have to visit one of those vacuum repair stores that you see on the side of the road that I’m pretty sure are a front for the mob. Are there really enough people out there with vacuum problems that we can support an entire storefront? We’re about to find out because I’m hauling the Dyson in there tomorrow.  

2.    The dog has taken to pooping in the bark chips. You know how much I love bark chips. Not so much anymore.

3.    The dog chases squirrels. He does this all year long, but he gets extra mileage in fall. This makes walks with Stanley feel less like I’m starring in my own communing-with-nature, feminine hygiene ad and more like I’m starring in that stupid video game my fella plays “Gears Of War”. Only my version features hiding squirrels instead of commandos and the only weapon of destruction is a lunging black lab mix.

4.    The dog finds dead squirrels. And when he finds them, he doesn’t give them up easily. This presents a problem if you’re a girly girl like me, loathe to engage in dead squirrel tug-of-war with the dog. Luckily I don’t have to.

This brings us to our tip of the day, gleaned from a very helpful neighbor who hollered it at me as Stanley and I were squaring off over his first dead squirrel find.  

Tip of the day: If your dog ever clamps down on something and won’t open his mouth to drop it, all you have to do is pick up your dog by his rear legs. You will look like you are pushing a wheel barrow. Only it’s your dog. Lift his legs up pretty high and shake him gently. The dog won’t be able to hold his grip on the offensive item in his mouth. This tricky move jams all the circuitry in his little doggy brain. My reasoning might be off here but the results are not. Stanley has dropped the squirrel every time.

Please note: this tip was meant as a service. I am already getting weird spam comments from some Russian autobot. I don’t want to start getting them from PETA too. So animal lovers, don’t get your undies in a bundle. I’m not telling people to try this move at home when they’re, say, bored on a Sunday afternoon. This move should only be tried out of necessity. And remember, it’s more humane than a torque bow.

 

                              Stanley, after a particularly exhausting squirrel chasing session
                                                                

Soundtrack Of The Day: Pitch Perfect

I was raised by a woman obsessed with movie soundtracks. She owns all of them, even the ones for movies she hasn’t seen. I blame her for the fact that last year I came this close to buying the soundtrack for “Country Strong”. But I put it back on the shelf because my musical taste is not quite as bad as our friend Mike believes. However, this weekend I found a movie soundtrack that more people than just myself and my mother are going to buy… the one from “Pitch Perfect”.

My fella and I saw the flick on Saturday. Yes, we were the only patrons over 16 in the audience. Yes, it was totally worth it. I smiled my way through most of the movie. That’s how hard I was rooting for the underdog characters. From my cushy, stadium seat I was willing them to succeed in the dog-eat-dog world of undergraduate acappella. Because that’s what the movie’s about -- a bunch of freshmen in college who join different vocal groups at their school. Then they battle it out for acappella dominance. Throw in a love story, some “who am I?” soul searching and good-natured hijinks, and we have ourselves a movie, a sweetly ironic movie with an even better soundtrack!

I’m a total sucker for the song mash ups “Glee” does every week. This movie’s mash ups make Glee’s look like child’s play. They are simply that good, and they’re accompanied by dance numbers that are even better. I’m getting the soundtrack this week, and can almost not wait to sit in some traffic. Because car dancing’s best done at red lights, not high speeds, and I guarantee Pitch Perfect’s gonna make me want to do both.*

 

 * Though never when I am driving the soccer carpool, which is when I listen to only dirge-like songs that eradicate any car-dancing urge. 

Why 40 Rocks

Have you ever mistakenly taken someone else’s cart at the grocery store? Forgotten to hit the ATM for cash so resorted to ransacking your 9 year old’s piggy bank? How about referred to your 9 year old as a 10 year old, in posts, for an entire week?

This is how long I’ve been 40 years old, and all of these things are what I’ve been up to. I have to say, for me, 40 is not looking so good. Here’s what is looking good about being 40:

1.     This rocking mix my fella made me. It has 40 songs on it, one for each year I’ve been alive. He assigned different years to different friends so when a song comes on, I get to guess which friend picked it.

I’m still a little mad about the rationale our friend Mike used when picking his assigned songs for my mix. This is what he told his wife and I quote, “Remember, you’re picking songs guru girl will like. Not necessarily good songs.”

So yes, Mike, every time Paula Abdul comes on the mix, I’m pretty sure it was your pick. And so maybe I like the songs but, in protest, I don’t sing along. Probably.  

On the other hand Mike’s wife knocked it out of the park with her selections, as did another friend, who chose John Denver and Christopher Cross. Does 70s music get any better? Don’t answer that, Mike.

Anne, a friend from high school, says she’s found turning 40 to be liberating. I do too. But not in the traditional sense. 40 seems to have liberated me from what little good sense I previously possessed. So if you happen to run into me in person at the grocery store, guard your cart. That’s what our 9 year old is doing with her piggy bank, at least until her mother calms down with the erratic behavior and starts acting like a person with a clue again.

The only other good thing about turning 40 was visiting Bachelor Ben's tasting room and getting my fella to act out key romantic moments from Bachelor Ben's season.

The Dark Side Of Twitter

Dear KitchenAid,

I heard about your Twitter disaster. It is a total bummer that someone on your corporate Twitter team mistakenly tweeted to all KitchenAid followers a rude message about a certain president.

I share your Twitter pain. I can totally understand how someone could hit the wrong button and mistakenly tweet, on the corporate account, a message that she wrote for her private Twitter peeps. Side note: Is this really such a big deal? Does KitchenAid really have that many followers? And if so, why?

I myself only have 3 followers on Twitter. This turns out to be a good thing as I have also mistakenly abused this social media channel. I have been posting headlines that are longer than the message is supposed to be.

This oversight should be causing me as much personal embarrassment as your KitchenAid employee is currently suffering. But it’s not. Because America loves a redemption story. (And also because I have only 3 followers.)

So I’ll redeem myself, as I’m sure your Twitter team member will. I’ll figure out what the heck a vanity short URL is, and I’ll even use it. Heck, I might get good enough that I’ll apply to be a Twitter team member for you, KitchenAid! I already have several of the job qualifications mastered, such as generation of possibly offensive content (see first “craft project” post).

Sincerely,

guru girl

 

What Experts Wish You Knew: Sports Talk Edition

Sporting scandal is our issue du jour. This is actually the only part of sports that interests me. The off-court “he said, she said, they did what?!” part. Honestly, the only reason I know about Tom Brady is because of his baby mama drama.

But today we’re not talking about scandal from the big guns, we’re talking about drama from the sporting sidelines. The drama that, gasp, we -- as spectators and parents of athletes -- cause. For today’s “What Experts Wish You Knew” I have wisdom from Keith, a high school basketball coach. Here’s what Keith has to say…

There’s a new kind of parent out there, and coaches can spot them from a mile away: the lawn mower parent. These are the parents who go ahead of their kids and mow down any obstacles in their path. This is not a good thing. This is, in fact, a very bad thing. Almost as bad as hanging a quarterback towel out your front pocket if you are attending a football game and not playing in it.

(This is actually not a complaint from Keith, but a complaint from my friend Teresa. As guru girl has never actually attended a professional football game I’ve never seen this travesty in person, but it sounds bad & should probably be stopped.)

Lawn mower parents call the coach and tell him when their kid is sick and can’t make practice. They’re also the parents who complain to the coach when their kid isn’t getting enough playing time.

These complaints and communications need to be coming from the athlete, not his parents, says Keith. If a kid’s man enough to strap on his own helmet/cup etc. he’s man enough to call the coach himself.   

Let your kids assume responsibility for their lives as athletes. Yell encouraging things from the sidelines but not actual plays, as this is just confusing. Almost as confusing as trying to keep track of the baby mamas of various professional athletes.

Kick back and enjoy the game. Be a good spectator. One who doesn’t wear quarterback towels. Ever.

 

This Season's Most Versatile Shirt: Splendid Thermal Boatneck

I love nautical stripes. Actually, pretty much anything nautical. Sailors, boats, phrases like “land, ho”. So when I see a cute top with stripes on it, my shopping antennae immediately goes up. Saw the actress Jamie Lynn Siegler in this top in a photo spread last week. And then saw my friend Tara rocking the same shirt a few days later. Such a coincidence is the universe telling you something, and that something is: This shirt is really cute. It’s really versatile. GET THIS SHIRT.

 

For work, pop it on under a blazer or cardigan. For the weekend, throw it on over a pair of red or orange jeans. And voila, you’re looking cute. Effortlessly cute. The material is slouchy, which means comfortable, which means this is the shirt you’ll wear again and again and again. Turns out those sailors were on to something. Besides eye patches, wooden legs and rum. Or is that pirates I’m thinking of?

I can’t keep it straight because the only thing on my mind is this Splendid Stripe Thermal Boatneck Top (color: swan; price $74). And that should be all that’s on your mind (and torso too) this season.   (Click here for the link to splendid.com)

One Campaign Promise

The presidential debate is happening here in Denver in a few days. Traffic is already a mess, as I realized when we sat in it, waiting to get to school this morning. Instead of swearing under my breath as I watched the minutes tick by, I glass-half-fulled it and made the experience into a teachable moment about elections and debates. (Go, guru girl! I have to tell you all when I do this because it happens so very rarely.)

So I was explaining to the Dynamic Duo what an election is and how debates work. I told them it’s like at our house where I’m indisputably the president. What if you guys wanted to be president of our house, I asked them. What rules would you change? In a debate, what would you say you’d do?

The 10 year old says she’d offer zucchini bread for breakfast. Every day. I pointed out the transportation dilemma she’d face in getting to the store to get the zucchini bread. Because the job of president is not all motorcades and yummy pastries. There’s the slogging through sucky traffic and grocery shopping part of it too. The 10 year old said it would be no problem. She would hire her grandpa to go to Whole Foods for her. And she would pay him in hugs.  Next month I’m voting for the 10 year old for house president. My term limit’s up.

Check out this great political swag. Available for either party, at swoozies.com