Six Sins At The Gym

Last week I was at the mall with my mom, Nikki. There we are, checking out the store windows, when I look over and see that Nikki is still wearing her sunglasses. Let’s be clear: Nikki is a grandma, not Kanye West. “Take those off immediately,” I hissed at her.

This is the same thing I want to say, at the gym, on a regular basis. Only I don’t because I’m not related to the rule violators, and the confrontation probably wouldn’t go well because honestly, they have no good reason for the violations. Other than being clueless. At least Nikki was distracted by the lights and pretty outfits at the mall and simply forgot to remove her sunglasses. 

There are 6 sins at the gym. I know none of you guru girls and guys would be guilty of any of them so you’re not part of the problem. You’re part of the solution! Print out this rant, tape it to the wall of your gym.

The rule violators will read it, and our society will be just a little bit better. Also, it will help me build my audience, which is part of the 6 point “multichannel social approach” plan that my friend Tanisha gave me as homework last week. Tanisha is an e-commerce guru, who doesn’t realize that I am as clueless about terms like “search rankings” and “Instagram” as many gym-goers are about, oh, basic etiquette.

#1: Ray Ban/Spinning Guy: It’s fine that you’ve got that Spinning swagger going on. Spin in the front row. Make a show of wiping the sweat from your brow. Your all-black outfit is even all good. What’s not good? Wearing the Raybans. On the spinning bike. Which is inside. Even Kanye West looks stupid wearing sunglasses inside.

 

The only people who have permission to do this are mothers who are dropping their kids off at school at an hour so ungodly early that they haven’t had the chance to apply eye makeup yet. Then, wearing sunglasses inside is fine. It’s never fine at the gym.

#2: Preening Guy: We all know that you’re hefting around weights that would cripple a lesser athlete. Stop puffing yourself up like a peacock and walking around the gym in between lifts. This is an actual verb. Peacocking. It’s what certain birds do to attract mates. You’re not attracting any mates by doing this, Preening Guy. You’re repelling them so stop.

#3: Remote Control Chick:  Why are the banks of televisions at the gym always tuned to ESPN and CSPAN? What’s a girl gotta do to get a little HGTV action? She’s got to get the remote control and channel surf her way there. It’s fine for Remote Control Chick to do this. What’s not fine for her to do is mistakenly aim her remote control at the t.v. her neighbor is watching and madly click up the channels, not realizing the mistake until the neighbor taps her on the shoulder.

Remote Control Chick may or may not bear a strong resemblance to myself. But, in my defense, this only happened once, and then I was so embarrassed I had to switch gyms.

#4: Locker Room Nudist:   I understand the need to immediately get out of sweaty gym clothes. I even understand the willingness to shower at the gym and risk foot fungus. What I do not understand are those gals who get out of the shower, towel off and then prance around naked while they finish getting ready. Stark naked. While they put on their makeup and blow dry their hair and style their hair and see their friends and converse with their friends about their lives. While being -- have I mentioned --stark naked!

#5: Pajama Wearing Gal: There is a time and a place for sweat pants. That time is bedtime and that place is within the walls of your own house. Sweat pants should not make any appearances at the gym. They look sloppy, and we look dumpy in them. Spring for cute workout duds. The shop, Lucy, has some great tops and their yoga pants make your butt look terrific.(www.lucy.com) This is a two-fer tip (you know how I love those). Also, if your day gets frenetic and you somehow end up in your workout gear all day long, you look cute and athletic, instead of sleepy and schlumpy.

 

#6: The Disappearing Patron: Unless you have a good reason for disappearing from the gym – say you madly zapped at your neighbor’s t.v. – you've gotta actually go to the gym. Hire a trainer for one session to develop a routine for you. Then, do what it takes to make yourself use the routine. Download great music. Buy a trashy magazine to read on the elliptical. Both are excellent ways to take your mind off the actual workout you’re doing.

This last one doesn’t actually count as a gym sin, but I needed “six” for my snappy headline to work. Regardless, it’s a good tip. Gym-going is a necessary evil. But we don’t need to make it any more obnoxious by indulging in any of the 5 sins mentioned above. Keep up the good fight, guru girls & guys!