Cast 50 Shades Of Grey The Movie

Let’s start by stating the obvious. 50 Shades Of Grey is not a good book. There’s clunky dialogue and a derivative plot (ripped right from the Twilight saga, just replace the blood-sucking vampire hero with an S- &-M-digging control freak).

But it’s the not-good book we’ve all read, surreptitiously when our fellas are at hockey practice or on business trips. And it’s the not-good book that’s been optioned for a movie, which means they’ve got to cast the movie. None of us is going to be very fired up to be sporting a “Team Christian” t-shirt if they cast some meathead like Channing Tatum in the lead role.

 

 My friend Shawna loves Channing Tatum and has demanded I view “Magic Mike” before making such brash remarks about him. Here’s the thing -- I suffered through all of “The Vow”, 90 minutes of that meathead in a fedora. I absolutely can’t have him inflicted upon my viewing pleasure again, which is why it’s imperative that he NOT be cast in 50 Shades of Grey.

 

So let’s look at some head shots and see who we’d like to see on the casting couch for 50 Shades… which is what we did at book club this month instead of discussing any books... which is why I love book club. 

For Christian:

 

. Christian Bale. I think he’d be great. My book club girls say he’s too old. I think they should age up the part for him.

. Ian Somerhalder. “The Vampire Diaries” hunk. He would be fantastic except for a little thing called acting ability.   

. Alexander Skarsgard. I think he’s too pale and anemic looking. But the book club girls were swooning over his pic. Or was it the Asian fusion for dinner?

For Ana:

. Scarlet Johansson. I don’t really see it, and my friend Kenzie says that whoever takes the role is going to be typecast as, how do we say, racy. Scarlet may be too “serious” an actress to deal with this kind of scarlet letter.

. Gillian Zinser. She plays a tragic heroine on “90210”. Visually I think she’s got the look, but she’s also got a little bit of Somerhalder Syndrome going on. But acting class can’t give you those cheekbones.

 

. Emilia Clarke. She plays Danearys on HBO’s “Game Of Thrones". The book club really likes her. But for me she conjures up medieval blood lust. Which maybe would work considering 50 Shades has some of that going on as well.

What do you think? Are there other contenders you think should be considered? I can’t be the only one who watches the CW. Write them in or if you think we've nailed it, in the “comments” section, cast your vote for who should play Christian and Ana. I’ll post the winner in an update in the next few weeks.