Cast 50 Shades Of Grey The Movie

Let’s start by stating the obvious. 50 Shades Of Grey is not a good book. There’s clunky dialogue and a derivative plot (ripped right from the Twilight saga, just replace the blood-sucking vampire hero with an S- &-M-digging control freak).

But it’s the not-good book we’ve all read, surreptitiously when our fellas are at hockey practice or on business trips. And it’s the not-good book that’s been optioned for a movie, which means they’ve got to cast the movie. None of us is going to be very fired up to be sporting a “Team Christian” t-shirt if they cast some meathead like Channing Tatum in the lead role.

 

 My friend Shawna loves Channing Tatum and has demanded I view “Magic Mike” before making such brash remarks about him. Here’s the thing -- I suffered through all of “The Vow”, 90 minutes of that meathead in a fedora. I absolutely can’t have him inflicted upon my viewing pleasure again, which is why it’s imperative that he NOT be cast in 50 Shades of Grey.

 

So let’s look at some head shots and see who we’d like to see on the casting couch for 50 Shades… which is what we did at book club this month instead of discussing any books... which is why I love book club. 

For Christian:

 

. Christian Bale. I think he’d be great. My book club girls say he’s too old. I think they should age up the part for him.

. Ian Somerhalder. “The Vampire Diaries” hunk. He would be fantastic except for a little thing called acting ability.   

. Alexander Skarsgard. I think he’s too pale and anemic looking. But the book club girls were swooning over his pic. Or was it the Asian fusion for dinner?

For Ana:

. Scarlet Johansson. I don’t really see it, and my friend Kenzie says that whoever takes the role is going to be typecast as, how do we say, racy. Scarlet may be too “serious” an actress to deal with this kind of scarlet letter.

. Gillian Zinser. She plays a tragic heroine on “90210”. Visually I think she’s got the look, but she’s also got a little bit of Somerhalder Syndrome going on. But acting class can’t give you those cheekbones.

 

. Emilia Clarke. She plays Danearys on HBO’s “Game Of Thrones". The book club really likes her. But for me she conjures up medieval blood lust. Which maybe would work considering 50 Shades has some of that going on as well.

What do you think? Are there other contenders you think should be considered? I can’t be the only one who watches the CW. Write them in or if you think we've nailed it, in the “comments” section, cast your vote for who should play Christian and Ana. I’ll post the winner in an update in the next few weeks.   

 

 

The Tip That Will Keep You Out Of The Police Log

Just stumbled across a “post it” note on my desk. In capital letters, it says “$18 – leave cash”. Hmmm. I have no idea what this note refers to.  

This is why one of my key household management principles is: Ditch the “post it” notes, adopt the notebook. My first job out of school was as a cub reporter for the weekly newspaper “The Wakefield Observer”.

I drove my editor crazy with my long-winded sentences and aversion to interviewing anyone facing a life struggle, like a house fire, recent arrest or angry constituents. Since investigating this stuff is basically what the job of a reporter is, it was a tough learning curve.

Here’s what made it better: the reporter’s notebook. You write the date at the top of the page every day, and that’s where you write absolutely everything: names, phone numbers, addresses, quotes etc. You carry that baby with you everywhere, and it saves you tons of time.

You just rifle back a couple pages when your editor insists you call back the police captain to get further details about the guy arrested for nude jumping on a trampoline. This was a real story. His neighbors were teenage girls who turned him in.

Get yourself your own reporter’s notebook. Use it at your house. Write everything in it. Take it everywhere. Buy lots of them at once so that you will not find yourself like guru girl, amidst a busy summer, having filled one notebook up and resorting to temporary use of “post it” notes… despite knowing better, which makes the current situation worse.

I now don’t have time to think of a pithy way to wrap this up as I must run to Target to get myself a new notebook. A brief recap will have to suffice:

Number 1 on your Household Management “To Do” list? Buy & use a household notebook.

Number 2: Remember naked trampolining is never a good idea.

 

5 Favorite Fall Fashion Finds

Unless you’re Ryan Lochte or Prince Harry – whose choices to rock minimal to no clothing actually increase their popularity – it’s best to appear in public in, well, clothes.

 

US Airways agrees. It was reported yesterday that they’re actually kicking passengers off planes for sporting too little (clothing), too much (cleavage) and/or too foul (slogans).

 

It’s a good thing US Airways wasn’t the official Olympic airline sponsor or America could’ve kissed that gold in the 400 meter goodbye. Since most of us have to wear clothes to ensure our continued popularity with friends, neighbors and US Airways, why not wear cute, and appropriate, ones?

Here are my top 5 wardrobe updates this season.

 

1-    Lands End Canvas Jacket – Women’s Alice Shrunken Blazer. So versatile. Polished, not overdone. The jean jacket for grown ups who loved Pony Boy but don’t want to look like him. $160

 

2-   Sperry Top-Sider Women’s Angelfish Shoes - Love the look in silver. Goes with a ton of different outfits. Cute and comfortable. Win-win. Price varies wildly from $76 on up. Check lots of different websites.

 

3-   Soho Shirt – Boden USA. The different jewel toned colors light up any complexion. Easy elegance. $83.

4-   Long Sleeve Tunic (dress) – Zara. Modern meets “Mad Men”. Love it. $99.

5-   Leather jacket with frill at waist – Zara.  Simple & the cut is flattering but a little bit edgy. Gives your long sleeve tunic dress a downtown vibe. $249

Wearing any of these items might not be as fun as a game of naked billiards, but they still might land your pic in a magazine. Under the caption “Momshell”. *

*This definition is for my friend Dianne who was mystified when I used the term “shout out” so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know “mom shell”. A mom shell is a combination mom/bombshell. The phrase was pioneered last week by “Us Magazine”, and it is awesome.

1 Maddening Morning

Clean the house,

Walk the dog,

Cook the chicken,

Write the blog,

Prep the class,

Tone the ass.

 This is what my morning was supposed to look like, before I had to spend 45 minutes on the phone tracking down an ophthalmologist who accepts our apparently very exotic health insurance.

 Now I am crunched for time and wondering why I have to be an adult and visit a real eye doctor for glasses when my old stand-bys have worked just fine for years.

 

6 Frequently Asked Questions

There are some random things I really love, like Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) sections and Editor’s Notes. Both make me feel like I’m getting a secret scoop, information not available to just anyone.

 I also really like bark chips but for completely different reasons. They smell good, they’re cheap, and they completely transform the look of a garden in minutes. Unlike that stupid “Yard Crashers” where, at the end of your 30 minute viewing stint, the yards still look kind of straggly because the verdant, new landscaping was planted, um, yesterday. Those shows are a complete and total waste of time. Hear that, HGTV?

For your viewing pleasure, which I realize won’t be nearly as high as mine, I present: Guru Girl Frequently Asked Questions

1.    Are your stories real?

 Yes, they are real. Sometimes I change the names of my friends in order to protect the innocent. For instance, I don’t want the reputation of my friend who is a banker besmirched by her association with free-wheeling me. Banking is a pretty conservative industry so in posts I call her by her nickname.

All of my stories are real. Sometimes they reflect my own confusion in life, as when I mistakenly thought the guy who recommended “American Ninja Warrior” was a sports trainer. Turns out he’s a banker. Good thing I didn’t call him by his real name.

2.   How can I comment?

 The anonymous comment button has been enabled. This means you guys can leave your thoughts/ideas without having to go through the rigorous process of registering… which I myself don’t know how to do.

 So far, so good. Commenters are following my family’s “keep it kind” mantra. Editor’s note: Yes, I realize this is probably because most of the commenters are actual members of my family.

Come on now, you don’t need to share my DNA in order to comment. Chime in.

3.   How do you get your ideas? Are you paid for your endorsement?

I am not paid to endorse any products. Are you crazy? What advertiser would want the kind of testimonial I offer? I’m not exactly the aspirational customer. I don’t know who this mythical creature is for many advertisers, but she is probably not frazzled, forgetful and full of public stories about her biggest screw ups.  

I write about stuff that I read about and purchase. I also shamelessly hector my friends about stuff they’re loving.  

4.   What if I have a product/movie/book recommend to share?

I’d love to hear about it. If it’s related to a daily post you could write your recommendation in under the “comment” section or you could e-mail it to me at: gurugirlguidetogreatness@gmail.com

I’d also like to add a new category: “Letters To Guru Girl”. Is there a quandary/conundrum/problem in your life that you need advice about? Zip me a note. I’ll include it on the blog, along with my most sage advice and wisdom. You don’t even need to sign it. The whole protect the innocent thing. Clearly, I’ve been watching too much “Law & Order”.   

5.   Why are you doing this?

I’m always telling my students and the Dynamic Duo that you’ve got to try new things. Mix it up. Do what you love. This blog is me at my role-modeling best. Frightening, isn’t it?  

6.   Your blog is great. How can I help grow your audience?

Full disclosure: This question is from my dad, who – bless his heart –

 e-mailed all the guys in his address book the link to my blog on the day that I wrote about nipple shields. You’ll notice the nipple shield post is no longer on the blog. I took it down. Because I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack. And I love my dad more than I love this blog.

But it’s true that I really appreciate the support you all have shown by reading this blog on a regular basis, and I really appreciate the folks who’ve asked how they can share posts with an even bigger pool. I know not everyone loves social media, but if you’re a big Facebook user & you felt so moved, here’s what would be awesome. 

Let’s say you really liked my post about Neutrogena sunscreen. On the lower-left side of the screen there’s the “F” Facebook icon. Click on that, and it will zip you to your Facebook page. You can link this post to your Facebook page so it will appear on your wall. It will let you write a few lines too. If you wrote something like “My friend just started a blog. Her post about sunscreen describes my mornings exactly!” that would be most helpful. Because then maybe your friends would check it out. This happens a few times, and pretty soon we got ourselves a grassroots movement.

 

Again, no pressure to do this unless you’re my fella who gets relentlessly quizzed about this before getting into bed at night. I myself am recently back on Facebook after taking a 4 year hiatus due to completely undisciplined use. So I understand being hesitant about social media. What you shouldn’t be hesitant about is checking out this blog. I try to post 4 or 5 times a week so keep coming back!

Thanks for reading!

This is me being thankful that you're reading and also a little bit scared that the 9 year old is going to drop the camera.

 

5 Fantastic Finds For Newborns

 You get more care & feeding tips for your weekend at home with the pre-school guinea pig than you get when bundled out of the hospital with your new baby. Following are some of my friend Jamie’s tips. I seem to have blanked out this phase in my memory… which means that even if you think you’re doing poorly, you’re doing better than me and my fella did. And we did it twice. 

-       Summer video monitor. Spring for the one that is audio & video (Available at walmart.com for around $130). That way you’ll be able to see if there really is an emergency in the nursery that you need to vault up the stairs to cover or if your baby is just playing with you.

-       Mylicon Gas Relief Drops. Truly effective or placebo effect? Who knows? Who cares? They seem to help. Buy lots. Administer regularly.

-       Bob. A full size body pillow typically purchased during pregnancy. I named mine Bob. I slept with him for years after the children were infants. He made those rare moments of shut-eye positively blissful.

-       Kirkland brand baby wipes from Costco. How impressive is the first diaper blow out? It inevitably happens on Day 4 when you’ve spent 40 minutes getting your baby ready to go somewhere. You finally load her up in the car seat. There’s a rumbling, and it’s like a geyser at Yellowstone Park. How is it possible for, ahem, matter to shoot all the way up a baby’s back?!  You can get these wipes by the caseload at Costco. That’s good because you’re going to need them.

-       Bag balm. As La Mer moisturizer is to celebrities, this stuff is to babies, toddlers and everyone else in your family. A mega moisturizer for a mini price.

Do you have other product recommends? Write them in under the “comments” section, and I’ll share them in future posts. Stay tuned next week for Jamie’s toddler recommends.

The sole piece of advice I actually remember from the infancy phase came from my friend Lisa who has a Rule Of Three: It gets easier after the first 3 days, a lot easier after the first 3 weeks and a ton easier after the first 3 months. This is good stuff you’re doing here. You know, raising a human being and all. Good stuff is hard at first. It gets easier. In a way that caring for that damn classroom guinea pig never does.

"Baby Loves Disco": One Experience

Baby Loves Disco (BLD) is coming to town in September. For those of you not in the know, BLD is a dance party that travels the country and visits your favorite nightclub. It’s aimed at toddler parents who still like to get their groove on. There’s Donna Summer, fog machines, Bee Gees and babies – lots of babies – because this dance party happens at 12 noon, not 12 midnight.

 9 years ago Guru Girl went to a BLD party. I was riding the high of cold medicine and 10 sleepless months with a baby who didn’t love disco, sleeping, breast feeding or -- often it seemed -- me, her very own mother. But I was going to have a good time and reclaim a vestige of my former fun self if it killed me.

I didn’t so much boogie that afternoon as stagger. I looked like one of Michael Jackson’s graveyard zombies, even when “Thriller” wasn’t blaring over the speakers.

It was a terrible afternoon.

It felt wrong to be in a bar with a baby. It felt wrong not to be giving my fella come-hither looks, instead of the baleful glares I was giving him because he couldn’t smell our baby’s ripe diaper. It felt wrong to be pretending to be the kind of person who can blithely juggle clubbing and parenting.

Because I wasn’t that kind of person. And that’s okay. When you’re a new parent it’s not that you’ll never whoop it up at a bar again or dance until your feet hurt. It’s that parenthood brings enormous schedule changes that make these pursuits foolish at first. Not forever.

It’s the wise parent who accepts this. The new gig is a blessing and a ball buster, in equal parts those first few years. Read tomorrow’s post for my friend Jamie’s advice on items that will make parenting such a breeze that you’ll definitely have the energy to go clubbing for real – without babies and wet wipes – before your little snuggler turns 18.

There's even better news: our once disco-hating, fretful baby now loves disco, dancing, sleeping and me. It really was just a phase. Don’t you hate it when your mother’s right?

Top 20 Titles

... To Keep Your Nightstand Happy

The Gods were smiling on me yesterday. Not only did the newly moved Big, Green Egg not set fire to the house, I was able to find the only bookstore in my hopping, metropolitan burg that had the title I was lusting after in stock. So I am now the happy owner of Where’d You Go, Bernadette (by Maria Semple), as well as a Colonial that has only a lightly seared back deck. Let the good times roll. (Bernadette book available on amazon.com for around $15.)

This book is tremendous. I stayed up late reading about the trials and travails of Bernadette, a quirky wife and mother in Seattle. It’s fictional and very funny. You’ve gotta get it. But let’s say your hopping, metropolitan burg is all out of stock. There are lots of other titles you could peruse while you wait. (This part of the post assumes that, like me, you are a technological dinosaur who really, really likes reading books on actual paper.)

Following is a list of some great reads. I compiled it while racing around the bookstore chasing the Dynamic Duo, so it mostly only goes through authors whose last names start with “J”. The exception is if the book was on one of the end caps or truly stands out in my frazzled brain.

 I’m a big reader. I have to be if there’s any hope of achieving cosmic balance for my trashy magazine & reality t.v. habit. I really like basically any book by Barbara Kingsolver, Ann Patchett, David Sedaris (except the last one) and Malcolm Gladwell. Here are some other titles that I liked:

-       A Prayer For Owen Meany, by Irving *

-       Life Of Pi, by Martel *

-       Little Bee, by Cleave *

-       Me Talk Pretty One Day, by Sedaris *

-       Middlesex, by Eugenides

-       Bel Canto, by Patchett *

-       State Of Wonder, by Patchett

-       The Poisonwood Bible, by Kingsolver

-       Cutting For Stone, by Verghese

-       An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood, by Lewis *

-       History Of Love, by Krauss

-       The Piano Teacher, by Lee

-       The Tiger’s Wife, by Obreht

-       The Weird Sisters, by Brown

-       What Is The What, by Eggers *

-       Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, by Safran Foer *

-       One Thousand White Women, by Fergus

-       The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society, by Shaffer

-       The Girl Who Fell From The Sky, by Durrow

-       Still Alice, by Genova

 The asterick * denotes books that would also be good reads for your fella. There are not as many of these. That’s because your guy should be spending his leisure time figuring out best placement for the Big, Green Egg to ensure no neighbor complaints or impromptu house fires. 

Another Thing I Wish I Hadn't Said

 “Make it rain, baby!” – to the 9 year old, after a gust of wind swept up the dollars she was balancing on a plate at the pool, and they fluttered like confetti onto the heads of the sunbathers all around

In case of repetition when school starts next week, I am totally putting down her father’s contact number on the school forms I’m currently filling out.

Reason I'm Joining allrecipes.com Right Now

 The 9 year old’s confession to me earlier today.

“You’re a good cook, Mom. You’ve never given us salmonella.”

Really? This is now the standard for good cooking at our house? Not okay. Not when you’ve got enough chutzpah to write a blog implying that you are a guru across many different categories, including health.

The situation must be remedied presto. And the website “allrecipes.com” is the way to do it. It’s got 40,000 recipes. It’s free to join, and there’s a free app you can download for your phone.

This last part is key because I’m as famous for getting out the cookbook, writing down a grocery list from it and then forgetting it at home as Kim Kardashian is for her derriere. Only my character defect hasn’t made me rich, famous or a designer of my own Sears fashion line.

If the recipe and grocery list are on your phone, you’re all set. The fine folks at allrecipes.com have gone one step further. What if you don’t want to head to the grocery store but have a whole fridge and pantry full of food, including capers from that time you whipped up that weird, Greek dish that everyone in the family hated?

There’s a special feature where you can type in items that you have on hand – say chicken and capers – and it will pop out a recipe that includes these items for you. How great is that? No more capers moldering away in the back of the fridge.

I don’t know about you, but I am all for something that brings about more inspired cooking and less refrigerator cleaning. That something is “all recipes.com”. Give it a try. It can’t be as bad as “Kardashian Kollection” klothes.

(Click to visit allrecipes.com)

4 Timeless Decorating Tips

Lots of home decorating rules are hard for me to remember. Are those clear, Ghost chairs in or out? How about the Ikat pattern? And what about those cowhide rugs: incredibly chic or incredibly barbaric? Who can recall?

Here are a few timeless decorating guidelines that are easy to conjure up:

1.     The Rule of 3 -- Tchotchkes look better in 3s. Think “Three’s Company”, but apply it to your decorative items instead. You don’t want just one vase. Where was Jack Tripper without Janet and Chrissie? Add the Janet and Chrissie vases, and you go from ho-hum to style statement in a flash.

2.    Uniformity – It’s best if your “Three’s Company” vases are the same. Uniformity helps ground a look. If we’re talking collection display, make sure there’s some unifying element to it, like color or scale or theme. For instance, a group of small mirrors on the wall together looks great, but make sure the frame finish on all of them is similar (i.e. all are in gold or all in silver etc.) This makes a collection look intentional versus hodge-podge.

3.    Mirrors – Mirrors are good and also inexpensive. They add light to a room. They bounce light in a room – all very good things. Every room should have at least one shiny element and one live thing too. Mirrors are your shiny element, and a bouquet of $5 carnations can be your “live” thing if, like me, you’re prone to killing any and all house plants.

Carnations have a cheesy reputation that’s undeserved. They’re cheap, they last forever, and they give a room a solid hit of color. Lotta look, little lucre.

4.    My favorite trick – I pile a bunch of flowers in vases in front of a mirror (see pic below) because the mirror image instantly doubles the look of the blooms. They look big, not puny. It’s why we buy Miracle Bras, no?

5.     My favorite source – The place for tchotchkes, seasonal items etc. is Home Goods, the discount furniture/décor outfit that’s part of the TJ Maxx empire. You can get stuff for a song here – and it leaves you with that satisfied, happy feeling. Kind of like a marathon session of “Star Search” back in the day.

I have no discipline when it comes to Home Goods, which is why I leave my credit cards at home when I go visit my friend Shawna because I have to drive right by a Home Goods on my way to her house. And my car becomes like Kit in “Night Rider”, meaning that it takes on a mind of its own and veers right into that damn parking lot.

But when it comes to home decorating, I usually have enough discipline to remember these basic rules. Following them is a different matter entirely.

Why Weddings Are The Answer

I just got back from my cousin’s wedding. He got married in Iowa on Saturday. I had to pinch my arm and think of maddening things the dog does, to keep from crying in that unglued “Is she okay?” way that sometimes afflicts me when I’m really moved, most recently after viewing “We Bought A Zoo”. That’s how moving and emotional the ceremony was.

Another cousin got married in June, and it was the waterworks for me then too. Although this time I was more controlled, mostly because it was a Quaker ceremony where anyone can offer their testimony to the happy couple, and I was worried my fella would alleviate the occasion’s solemn vibe with a dirty limerick or two.

I love weddings. I love how hopeful they are. I love that in our crazy, no-one-has-time-for-tradition-anymore lives this is a ritual we juggle everything for, schedules and flights and work deadlines. In order to be there. In person. Not by Skype.

I love that family and friends fly in from dozens of cities, states and countries to be there -- in that Welsh church, in the middle of an Iowa cornfield, or in that Quaker meeting house, on an island in the middle of a lake -- to sing together and tear up together and celebrate love in all its messy glory.

And it was messy this weekend, and at the wedding in June too. There were babies crying and elderly relatives confused and the expected disagreements and tensions that come up when there’s travel and weather and expectations and 4 generations under 1 tent together. Boundaries were crossed, emotional and otherwise (btw, Great-Grandma, my guy’s really sorry he walked in on you in the bathroom).

But pride was swallowed and annoyance and pointed words too. I let my mom ruffle my hair. I hate having my hair ruffled. I watched as my dad helped his dad down some steps, with a patience I rarely see in either. I listened when one niece jollied her baby cousin out of a tantrum.

This is what it’s about. This is how we overcome the madness in Aurora and Wisconsin. The answer isn’t to focus on the darkness and pour over the news accounts of the rampages -- the when’s, the where’s, the why’s. Because that’s a black hole that sucks time and energy and hope.

The answer is to focus on the light. The hair that’s ruffled. The hand that’s held. The distracting word that’s whispered. The miles that are traveled. All of this done, by thousands of people, across the country, every Saturday during wedding season. And on countless other days too, when babies are born, deaths mourned, graduations attended and milestones observed.

There’s light all around us. But we have to get our heads out of the black hole long enough to see it and appreciate it for what it is: a gift. Better than any “must have” item Guru Girl blogs about. Because this gift can’t be bought with money. It’s bought with love, the very best in us and of us.

Thanks to my cousins and their brides for reminding us all about the light and throwing 2 of the summer’s best wedding bashes to boot!

 Guru Girl, before bursting into tears at the ceremony

The happy couple from this weekend

Who doesn't love a good square dance?

The happy couple from the June wedding

6 Ways To Tell You're Officially Old

Guru Girl got to attend 2 family weddings this summer, much wisdom gained…

How You Know You’re Old At A Family Wedding:

-       When you remember the groom as a 12 year old at your own wedding, which was just yesterday – if yesterday was, oh, 13 years ago

-       When you don’t know some – okay, most – of the songs the dj’s spinning

-       When your fella is the only one doing the Running Man, not on the dance floor but through the reception hall, chasing your small children

-       When you rocked out more to the satellite radio in the rental car – yeah, 90s station – than you did on the dance floor at the wedding. If the dj had spun Paula Abdul’s “Rush Rush” it might have been a different story

-       When the Bald Booth photo app on the iPhone makes the younger family members giggle hysterically, but it only reminds you of your last high school reunion (BaldBooth app available for 99 cents.)

-       When you opt for sitting around the pool, eating pizza and drinking wine out of Dixie cups as all the little cousins splash around, over dinner at a chi chi restaurant, and it becomes a highlight of the weekend

Bermuda Triangle or Book of Knowledge

The summer camp needs the six year old's immunization forms. The soccer league needs a copy of the nine year old's birth certificate. The college where I teach needs a copy of the professional development class I took. Only a few years ago these requests, all lobbed over the bow within a week, would have sent me on a crazed quest through the scattershot filing system at our house. House documents are in one place, my teaching stuff in another and the kids' stuff? Who knew? They were somewhere in the house that was the Bermuda Triangle of kid socks, water bottles and official documents.

It was no way to live. Enter what we call the "Book Of Knowledge". It is a plastic filing cabinet the size of a bread box. It is portable and it is awesome. It's filled with folders for all the important stuff in our life. There are folders for the house, the car, insurance, passports, financial documents (including lists of credit card numbers and contact info should a wallet get misplaced), the kids (which includes birth certificates, health forms and report cards), the pets and a seldom-opened file of fantasy vacation destinations.

I may not listen to NPR, watch PBS or drive a Volvo, all the things I thought I'd do as an adult (actually I do drive a Volvo but I drive it fast while listening to very inappropriate music), but I am together enough that I own a "Book Of Knowledge". And it's up to date and I know where to find it, which is more than I can say about the heirloom china my grandma gave us.

Trust me when I say these three facts put me ahead of 99 percent of parents out there. I know. I used to teach elementary school. Feel like you're an adult imposter every time an official doc is requested? Set up your own "Book Of Knowledge". It's cheaper than life insurance, more fun than a physical and it gives you the same feeling: responsible and on-top-of-it. Welcome to the 1 percent, baby.

You can also buy a kit that gives you the basic framework for this kind of system. There are several available on amazon. I picked one to show as an example.

Happy organizing, guru girls and guys!




Personal facts document book on amazon.com

Put Down The Rotisserie Chicken

I fear cookbooks have become a relic from the past. Like phone books, photo albums and books by James Michener. Fondly remembered but meaningless to modern life because they take up so damn much time. Who has the time and energy to read the recipe, hunt down the 35 specialty items at the store, procure the special tool needed to construct the dish and then actually whip it up?

No one, except my friend Paul who likes to cook and actually owns a lemon zester. My favorite fella does too but that’s only because Paul told me to buy him one. My point is that unless you’re a naturally good cook, like Paul and my guy, the time/energy quandary of cooking might sink you before you’ve even begun. Because really, the only quick part of the whole cooking process is watching your kids take two bites before proclaiming the dish weird and inedible.

But responding with a nightly roasted chicken (which may or may not be from the deli aisle at the grocery store) isn’t the answer either. If I buy -- I mean, make -- this dish one more time I’m pretty sure my family will go into the “diner relocation program” just to get away from me and my uninspired cooking.

Where is the cookbook that features quick, healthy, good dishes that feature just a few easy-to-find ingredients and no impossible-sounding verbs like “braise” or disgusting-to-prep items like onions? It turns out this cookbook is at the bookstore, under “W” for Workman, which is the last name of the gal who wrote it. It’s called “The Mom 100 Cookbook”.

Apparently, it is a bible for bad cooks like me. This is according to my friend Jane, who owns “The Mom 100 Cookbook” even though she is a naturally good cook herself. I trust Jane’s judgement. She is the one who got guru girl to quit drinking White Zinfandel back in the day. Jane used tough love and told it to me straight,” White Zinfandel is tacky. How about a nice Merlot?”

I’m channeling Jane’s tough love approach here. If you are like me, you need to put the rotisserie chicken down and pick your credit card up. Jump on amazon and order Katie Workman’s “Mom 100 Cookbook”.(Available on amazon.com for around $11.) May it transform what you’re cooking like the Caldrea cleaner (see yesterday’s post) transformed where you’re cooking it.