The $8 Product That Will Change Your Kitchen Forever

About some cleanliness issues my standards are like Kristen Stewart’s about monogamy: surprisingly laid back. I don’t care if the Dynamic Duo bathe every night. Every other night is fine. Which is maybe how K-Stew approaches her favorite fella issue. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays it’s Rob Pattinson. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, it’s her “Snow White & The Huntsman” director. On Sundays, she rests and exfoliates.

Don’t even ask me about our dog. He gets bathed only as frequently as Rob Pattinson appears to, which is to say, not often… which is perhaps the reason K-Stew went on the hunt for her “Huntsman” director in the first place.

Kitchen cleanliness is an entirely different matter. There are no shortcuts and no handsome substitutes. A clean, uncluttered kitchen leads to a clean, uncluttered mind. I am still working on the latter, but I have the clean-kitchen part down, thanks in large part to my new, favorite product, Caldrea Countertop Cleaner.

I spritz every counter in my house with Caldrea. It’s a two-fer: it cleans the counters and makes your house smell like a spa -- a fresh, crisp, citrus-y spa where visitors float around drinking lemon water and nibbling oranges.

This is a far cry from Guru Girls’ actual visitors, who swig Gatoraide and down Goldfish like they’re going out of style. But the Caldrea gives the illusion of a tranquil, zenned out heart-of-the-home. Just like Hollywood couples give us the illusion of “happily ever after”.

Despite the hardship of living with people who must be told -- repeatedly -- that garden experiments belong in the garden, not the kitchen table, we must not give into the madness of our surroundings. We must strive to rise above them, which is what the Caldrea spray allows me to do, and the Warner Brother’s public relations team allows K-Stew to do when they issue her fling apology for her.

Watch the cleaners go to work on K-Stew’s image. May they be blessed with the power of my favorite cleaner: Caldrea Countertop (citron ginger variety). They’re going to need it.

Caldrea is available for around $7.25(available on amazon.com) . It's also sold at your local Target store for around the same price.

3 Easy Makeup Moves

Some people go camping with a tricked out RV. I go camping with a tricked out makeup bag. One of my big problems with camping is that so many campers look like Grizzly Adams. Why must one sport flannel and b.o. to become one with nature?

If this is a requirement, it rules out camping for a whole category of folks in this world. You know who I’m talking about: girly girls. We like showers, beds, coordinating outfits and lip gloss.

The good news is that looking earthy is not a requirement for camping. You just can’t look like the lead in “Legally Blonde”. The better news is there are some tricky makeup products that you can apply on the sly. They’ll give you that just-dunked-my-head-in-a- mountain-stream look so that you appear glowing and rosy. And, if you’re camping with a group of friends, you won’t frighten anyone with your au naturel face.

Here are 3 makeup moves that will put a pep in your step, which will be helpful on that hike when your fella thinks he hears the shadow, up ahead, growling. In this case, remember: you don’t need to be the fastest runner of all time, just faster than your fella.

1.     Bumble & Bumble Hair Powder -- Banish campfire hair by giving your locks a quick spritz with Bumble and Bumble’s dry shampoo. It quickly cleanses, as well as gives hair unbelievable body. Walk away from the bandanas, girls. This isn’t the ‘60s, and walk towards the Bumble & Bumble Hair Powder.

2.    Benetint Cheek Color – Dab on this cheek stain for a rosy flush that says “My, how this mountain air agrees with me.” Dab it on your lips too for a subtle, and becoming, hit of color. This stuff is a stain so it lasts… through your first terror-stricken dash from a bear on the trail to your last.

3.    McEvoy Mascara – I finally got some of this stuff, and it is good. It defines and volumizes lashes for a full 24 hours. It doesn’t come off unless it encounters lots of water. And then, the mascara pills up into mini-tubes that rest gently on your cheek until you brush them away. The only raccoon eyes you’re gonna be seeing will belong to actual raccoons, spied on the trail and hopefully not at your camp sight, going through your garbage.

Guru Girl has only once encountered a bear on the trail, but she has looked a fright while camping several times. Both experiences are scary but preventable. Avoidance of the first problem is simple: don’t go hiking in Montana just over the ridge from bear country. Editor’s note: Hear that, TN1970? To avoid the second issue, visit Sephora and load up your makeup bag like you would a llama for a trek. This stuff is way better than beef jerky.  

Happy camping, guru girls & guys!

Benefit Cosmetics Benetint is available for around $29.

Bumble & Bumble Hair Powder is available for around $14.50 for a 1 oz. bottle.

Trish McEvoy High Volume Mascara is available for around $30.

The Hidden Danger Of Tooth Whitening

 We all suck at multitasking. Not just the guy who recently went over the edge of a cliff in his truck because he was texting. We’re all terrible at it. This isn’t news.

There was a documentary from the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) a few years ago that showed our multitasking and tech-savvy ways are actually changing how our brains work. And not in a good way. In scholarly jargon the documentary basically said we’re giving ourselves a touch of brain damage every time we multitask.

But I’m never one to let a little study from, oh, MIT get in my way. So, even after digesting the information, I’ve continued to multitask. And perform. Badly. The idea that this behavior was problematic just hadn’t been made clear to me… until yesterday… when I desperately needed to bleach my teeth and walk the dog and had only ½ an hour to do both. So I did what any self-respecting multitasker would.

I slapped those whitening molds on my pearly whites, leashed up the dog and headed out, feeling proud of my “can do” attitude. It was going great. Until. There’s always an until… Until I ran into our newlywed neighbor who asked how I was doing.

This was a problem, one my damaged, multitasking brain couldn’t think up a quick solution to. Let’s make this like one of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books.

In this situation, do you:

A)  give the big, closed-mouth smile and energetic thumbs up, before silently moving past

B)  spit the whitening trays out in your hand and explain the time constraints this neighbor will also face once he’s logged a few more marital miles and added kids to the mix. Editor’s Note:  Surely this would cross a good neighbor boundary or two or six.

C)  mumble through the whitening trays, trying to conceal them as best you can, and give a quick, yet jaunty, answer like “I’m ay-okay” before scuttling past

I went with Option C. It’s weird on a few levels but not actually offensive and least likely to have the neighbor cross the street to avoid me in the future.

Here’s what I’m avoiding in the future: those blasted teeth whitening trays. They’re inexpensive, and they do the trick but it takes six applications for them to work, and there is a cost. It’s hidden but it’s high: being labeled as the neighborhood crazy lady.

If you have to do it, consider the Crest 3 D Whitestrips. Beauty editors love them and at least they're strips versus trays. They're available on amazon for around $38.  But heed my words and multitask at your peril, guru girls & guys.

2 Tips For A "Must Have" Manicure

Like Samantha and Ronnie’s relationship with each other, I have a love/hate thing going on with manicures. Love them when they’re shiny and new, which lasts, oh, about a day. Hate them when they’re chipped, which makes a girl look as cracked out as Sammy appears to be in many of her “Jersey Shore” scenes.

Unable to find a solution, I’ve gone the clear polish route the past few years. So it was with skepticism that I tried a gel manicure last week. Billed as lasting 2 weeks without any chipping, gel manicures basically shellac your nails until they’re as tough and shiny as insert-your-favorite-muscle-car here. If you’re down the shore with the gang this summer, it’s probably an Iroc.

I’m a week in, and my nails are still going strong, with nary a chip. The gel process takes 5 minutes longer than a regular manicure and typically costs anywhere from $35 to $50. After 2 weeks, you bathe your nails in a dissolving solution at the salon and start the whole process over again.

The Gel Haute Polish Kit, which you do at home, promises to last up to 3 weeks. If true, this means the at-home manicure offers more endurance than Ronnie and Sam will ever have in their relationship. The Gel Haute Polish Kit typically goes for $129, but it’s on sale for $49 – for today only – through the “Good Morning America” website.(Link to the GMA website.)

  

Six Sins At The Gym

Last week I was at the mall with my mom, Nikki. There we are, checking out the store windows, when I look over and see that Nikki is still wearing her sunglasses. Let’s be clear: Nikki is a grandma, not Kanye West. “Take those off immediately,” I hissed at her.

This is the same thing I want to say, at the gym, on a regular basis. Only I don’t because I’m not related to the rule violators, and the confrontation probably wouldn’t go well because honestly, they have no good reason for the violations. Other than being clueless. At least Nikki was distracted by the lights and pretty outfits at the mall and simply forgot to remove her sunglasses. 

There are 6 sins at the gym. I know none of you guru girls and guys would be guilty of any of them so you’re not part of the problem. You’re part of the solution! Print out this rant, tape it to the wall of your gym.

The rule violators will read it, and our society will be just a little bit better. Also, it will help me build my audience, which is part of the 6 point “multichannel social approach” plan that my friend Tanisha gave me as homework last week. Tanisha is an e-commerce guru, who doesn’t realize that I am as clueless about terms like “search rankings” and “Instagram” as many gym-goers are about, oh, basic etiquette.

#1: Ray Ban/Spinning Guy: It’s fine that you’ve got that Spinning swagger going on. Spin in the front row. Make a show of wiping the sweat from your brow. Your all-black outfit is even all good. What’s not good? Wearing the Raybans. On the spinning bike. Which is inside. Even Kanye West looks stupid wearing sunglasses inside.

 

The only people who have permission to do this are mothers who are dropping their kids off at school at an hour so ungodly early that they haven’t had the chance to apply eye makeup yet. Then, wearing sunglasses inside is fine. It’s never fine at the gym.

#2: Preening Guy: We all know that you’re hefting around weights that would cripple a lesser athlete. Stop puffing yourself up like a peacock and walking around the gym in between lifts. This is an actual verb. Peacocking. It’s what certain birds do to attract mates. You’re not attracting any mates by doing this, Preening Guy. You’re repelling them so stop.

#3: Remote Control Chick:  Why are the banks of televisions at the gym always tuned to ESPN and CSPAN? What’s a girl gotta do to get a little HGTV action? She’s got to get the remote control and channel surf her way there. It’s fine for Remote Control Chick to do this. What’s not fine for her to do is mistakenly aim her remote control at the t.v. her neighbor is watching and madly click up the channels, not realizing the mistake until the neighbor taps her on the shoulder.

Remote Control Chick may or may not bear a strong resemblance to myself. But, in my defense, this only happened once, and then I was so embarrassed I had to switch gyms.

#4: Locker Room Nudist:   I understand the need to immediately get out of sweaty gym clothes. I even understand the willingness to shower at the gym and risk foot fungus. What I do not understand are those gals who get out of the shower, towel off and then prance around naked while they finish getting ready. Stark naked. While they put on their makeup and blow dry their hair and style their hair and see their friends and converse with their friends about their lives. While being -- have I mentioned --stark naked!

#5: Pajama Wearing Gal: There is a time and a place for sweat pants. That time is bedtime and that place is within the walls of your own house. Sweat pants should not make any appearances at the gym. They look sloppy, and we look dumpy in them. Spring for cute workout duds. The shop, Lucy, has some great tops and their yoga pants make your butt look terrific.(www.lucy.com) This is a two-fer tip (you know how I love those). Also, if your day gets frenetic and you somehow end up in your workout gear all day long, you look cute and athletic, instead of sleepy and schlumpy.

 

#6: The Disappearing Patron: Unless you have a good reason for disappearing from the gym – say you madly zapped at your neighbor’s t.v. – you've gotta actually go to the gym. Hire a trainer for one session to develop a routine for you. Then, do what it takes to make yourself use the routine. Download great music. Buy a trashy magazine to read on the elliptical. Both are excellent ways to take your mind off the actual workout you’re doing.

This last one doesn’t actually count as a gym sin, but I needed “six” for my snappy headline to work. Regardless, it’s a good tip. Gym-going is a necessary evil. But we don’t need to make it any more obnoxious by indulging in any of the 5 sins mentioned above. Keep up the good fight, guru girls & guys!

Expert Advice: Nanny Tells All

A nanny or a regular babysitter is one of the answers to happiness in a home with nutso, small children. The good ones are part Mary Poppins, part Super Nanny and part child therapist. Because when your 3 year old clocks another kid on the head with a truck at the playground, 3 days in a row, it’s Nanny’s shoulder that you’re going to be crying on.  And she’s going to be the one who reminds you of all the reasons why your kid is just a normal kid and not a Mike Tyson in-the-making.

After staggering through parenthood for a few years, like blind men in the dark, we finally saw the light and found a nanny to help us part-time. Not just any nanny. The best nanny West of the Mississippi. Her name is Yanira, and she is a child whisperer and mother whisperer and dog whisperer too.

 

Yanira’s no longer with us on a regular basis, but we still see her every few weeks because she’s part of the parenting team. We forged a bond over vomit and pink eye and chronic ear infections and potty training. Yanira made all of these experiences better because she’s raised lots of kids. She’s seen it or done it all before. She’s a professional, and thus, one of my “industry experts”.

Here’s what Yanira says would be great for parents, with a nanny or regular sitter on the team, to know: Courtesy and having a clue are important. Say you’ve booked a trip to Mexico for spring break for the family. Let your nanny know the dates that you’ll be in Mexico and won’t be needing her. Do this at least a month in advance, but it’s even better to do it as soon as you’ve booked the trip.

 

Everything you’ve got going on? Nannies have the crazy long “to do” list too, only without the job flexibility to get stuff done during the week. Your small courtesy lets your nanny schedule a dentist or doctor appointment for herself or her kids, invite her mom out for a visit and jam a million other things in. This consideration also allows your nanny to have a bit of balance in her life and a lot more control, at least for the week you and your spitfires are away.

Balance and a sense of control are the first things out the window when we become parents. That’s why we treasure the brief windows of time, say date night or a girls’ trip, when we get them back. Give your nanny this gift. It’s better than any scarf or earrings. Plus, it breeds good will, and you need some good will in the air for a job that requires management of booger flicking charges on a daily basis.

While you're on vacation, doing this...

and this...

and this...

let your nanny know, so she can plan some relaxing activities

 so she can keep up with your crew once you get home!

4 Rules For Family Vacation

… Learned On Recent Trip

1.     One’s own children are many things. Delightful. Funny. Loving. Convenient is not one of them.

2.    Beef jerky is a bad snack in the car. As a parent you should not be swayed by the deep passion your youngest professes for this most odiferous of snack foods.

3.    On a trip to the waterpark, if you’re over 70 you can -- and should -- pass on the racing slide. Especially one named “Extreme Rush”, which is described as plummeting a swimmer down “400 feet on a zigzag course at incredible speeds”. But go, Grandpa, for being the first silver-hair sighted on that bad boy all summer.

 

4.    Airport security people have a sense of humor now. Two of them asked if Hannah, the stuffed dog who is part of our entourage, had a ticket. These people evidently have a sense of humor now but still not a clue as they don’t realize how close to the edge of a screaming tantrum they came, courtesy of our youngest family member, who doesn’t always get jokes.

      If flying was out for Hannah, the 6 year old would’ve nixed it too, leaving our half-pint alone in the Milwaukee airport with no choice but to become a junior security deputy where I’m pretty sure she would abuse her power and seize all suspicious looking liquids and beef jerky.

     Happy travels this summer, guru girls & guys!