3 Easy Options To Stow Your Gear

These Trofast shelves from Ikea retail for $180. Hooks for coats/bags additional. 

I am the locker whisperer. At least this is what I told the 11 year old this summer when we went to middle school check-in. She was worried her locker wouldn’t open.

And it turns out she was right to worry. Her locker is hard to open! In life, there are some inescapable truths:

You never get assigned the easy-to-open locker. Just like you never get assigned the easy-to-organize family. 

So we embrace the work around. Some WD40 here, a mudroom there, and we’re in business!  

If you don’t have a mudroom but you do have a formal dining room or living room, it’s a no-brainer. Thanksgiving comes once a year. 

Getting your family out the door? 

Every day.

Take an entire wall of this fancy room and trick it out. We’re talking storage, people. Locker storage cabinets or coat hooks and benches with shoe storage. 

The goal is to store at least 3 sets of shoes, coats and bags. There are a million ways to do it. And all of them are better than throwing that stuff on the floor or kitchen table.

This shutter locker storage is from homedecorators.com. It retails for $469 with $40 shipping. And it has a closed-door option too, which retails for $799.

For that twice a year you actually use your formal dining room, you can move the storage system into the garage so you’re not looking at Junior’s smelly soccer cleats over the turkey.

This "bench with shoe storage" unit is from Ikea and retails for $60. Place several hooks over it for coats and backpacks. 

This middle school locker only took us 2 1/2 hours to open. 

I know we like pretty rooms and spaces. Heck, I’m the one who bought the 11 year old a chandelier. For her locker.

But functional trumps pretty. She’s gotta be able to open the locker to enjoy the chandelier. It’s the same principle for our homes: first the function, then the fabulous.

Happy organizing, guru guys & girls! 

Dog Swag: 3 Hot Trends

I love my dog as much as the next gal. But, dog lovers, we have got to get a grip.

They are now selling a fitness tracker… for my dog. The FitBark is for people who want to track their pet’s every move via a gizmo attached to the collar. It calculates my dog’s hourly activity level and *bonus*, according to the literature, it lets me compare this level to other dog breeds.

Why would I need a gadget to tell me this information? Why would I not just look at my dog? The one who tracks me around 24/7?

This dog gadgetry seems excessive. Even to me, a person who once debated swabbing Stanley’s cheek and sending it away to a place that does dog geneology.

I would love to know the different breeds that combined to make the perfect alchemy that is Stanley. But there are better things to spend my money on, like a fitness belt for myself!

I know these are reminiscent of those fanny packs from the 80s, but an on-the-go girl’s got gear. Even when she’s just walking the dog, I mean, conducting a personal training canine fitness session.

The spibelt fits my keys, phone, Kleenex and motivational dog treats. All without bouncing around when I’m chasing Stanley as he chases local wildlife and the occasional threatening leaf.(Click this link to go to spibelt.com where you can order this belt up for around $20.)

For dog owners, I like the spibelt. I disparage the FitBark, and I question the Cuddle Clone, which is a stuffed animal clone of your pet you can order from the internet.

Am pretty sure this face is unclonable – so will just enjoy the real thing instead!

Happy Thursday, guru girls & guys!

Fall Vignette Style In 3 Easy Steps

It is fall. Season of cute fashion, pumpkin lattes and bake sales.

Bake sales unglue me. This is because I am not a good baker. And not a good packager.

So I am a little apprehensive that I have signed up to provide 18 cutely packaged, baked items on Friday.

I am about to call my mother for some ideas. Grandma Guru is the only domestic goddess I know who owns and uses a glaze gun intended to seal elaborate desserts.

Probably I will not be using her glaze gun for my bake sale items.

Because I had an unfortunate kitchen fire incident just last week. And there weren’t even any glaze guns involved. Just a paper napkin I was using to pry a hot muffin out of the tin, which was sitting on the oven, next to a burner that was on.

That napkin went up in flames pretty fast, but not as fast as guru girl, who shot over to the sink and doused the whole mess before the flames further exploded.

I am already agitated about the bake sale. I don’t need to add any more excitement to the prep.

But here’s a prep I do enjoy: decorating the front porch for fall. Exciting, easy and involves no fire!

Luckily, Grandma Guru is also an expert in this. Here are her top tips for…

Fall Festing Up Your Front Door:

1.      Varying heights put the “wow” in a fall vignette. Visit your local garden center and look for 3 to 4 different types of filler.

2.    In the picture above, Grandma Guru has selected mums, garden cabbages and dried grasses. She’s artfully arranged them in cute containers. But if you don’t have any of these, you can buy mums that come in cheap, wooden baskets. These won’t last more than a season, but they look cute and are reasonable. (Most grocery stores sell the mum/container duo for around $12.)

3.    You do need to get a basket for the dried grasses and shafts of wheat in the background. Line the bottom of the container with floral foam so you can wedge the grasses into it, and they’ll stand up straight.

4.    Once you’ve styled up your fall vignette, it will last a month or two as long as you remember to water the mums. Bonus! The dried grasses/wheat last forever so you can save them for next year’s vignette.

This fall vignette will make you look and feel like your home is straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog. Until you open the front door and the illusion is shattered by pesky real life things like flaming napkins, which give your kitchen entirely the wrong kind of amber glow.

Happy fall, guru girls & guys!

1 Great Poster & Attitude: Comin' Up

I don’t want to brag, but last night I figured out the LCM. (Or was it LCD?) No matter. There it was on the math worksheet in front of me.

The worksheet wanted to know the LCM.

The confused 6^th grader wanted to know the LCM.

I wanted to know the LCM.

But the scribbled example made no sense. 

And we’ve established I can barely remember what I learned last week, much less what I learned 30 years ago.

And there was my cell phone. Just begging to skype Guru Guy for a quick LCM tutorial.

But we didn’t do it. Instead, I sat down and, with the 6^th grader, puzzled it out.

I hate puzzling it out.

Because the costs are high, in terms of time spent and likelihood of failure. 

But when you puzzle it out successfully? What a high.

I don’t puzzle new things out very often. I have an elaborate defense mechanism in place. My internal monologue is quick to protest, “I’m far too busy/productive/old to do _____(insert whatever task I’m afraid of here).

Because that’s what it really is: fear. Fear of failure or subpar performance. Or embarrassment.

Fear protects us from those feelings of vulnerability, but it also keeps us from experiencing those feelings of accomplishment when we’re successful at something that’s hard, something we’d rather just delegate to someone else.

I’m not saying the next time I get a flat tire I’m gonna be the one out there changing it. I know my limitations, and someone’s gotta keep those AAA guys employed.

But maybe my limitations aren’t as great as I sometimes think. Maybe I should give it a try before I write something off completely.

I went paddleboarding for the first time this summer.

Shockingly, non-sporty me didn’t fall off the board once. And I had a blast.

Who knew?

I’ve overdone it on the motivational sayings here at home, but if not, I’d totally get this poster. As a reminder to just say yes. And also, a reminder to learn some Latin. 

Because shoot, I know the LCM, how hard can Latin be? (Click this link to go to the etsy shop that offers this poster, for around $9, and lots of other great ones too.)

Timeless & Trendy Tablescape: 4 Easy Steps

I have no idea what Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction was at the VMAs on Monday. This is because I am keeping my vow to rid myself of trashtastic, celebrity knowledge.

It has only been a week. But I am feeling virtuous with a capital V.

My fella should be feeling less virtuous because he actually watched some of the VMAs. The Beyonce part. And then he tried to engage me in one of our favorite conversations,” Why is Queen B so popular when her music is so bad?”

I fell for this tactic, not realizing until later this was just a distraction so I couldn’t yell at Guru Guy for oogling Beyonce when I am on celeb media blackout.

Not cool, Robert Frost.

But here’s what is cool: design tricks that are easy-peasy. Like this table centerpiece that is both easy to produce and long-lasting. Please note that I am not inserting any catty Beyonce references here, even though the sentence is practically begging for one.

The 4 Ingredient “Lasts Forever & Looks Great Doing It” Tablescape:

1.      Get yourself a tray. A wooden one gives a nice, textural look.

2.    Artfully arrange 4 mini-Perrier bottles on tray.

3.    Plop a mini floral arrangement on the tray. It should be low-standing so you can see over it.

4.    Prop some cute cocktail napkins on tray.

5.     Threaten your family &/or housemates with dreadful consequences if they try to use any items on tray.

 Warning: You will undoubtedly have to explain the concept of “for show”. As in, “These items are just for show. Not for use.”

Side effect: You will feel shallow when doing so.

The “for show” concept will mystify children, who believe nothing is for show, even Mommy’s cocktail dress, which our oldest daughter once used as a tissue while I was wearing it!

Clearly, Nicki Minaj is not the only one who has experienced a wardrobe malfunction. However, there is nothing malfunctioning about this centerpiece. For a timeless table in no time, give it a go! 

Everything I Never Told You: A Good Read

Today is the first day of school -- brand new schools -- for the Dynamic Duo.

The girls walked out the door this morning, pretty unflappable. Even though the 8 year old said she had butterflies in her stomach and “Mom, they’re barfing”.

With head held high, she took her barfing butterflies right into 3^rd grade where her goals for the year are: not get in trouble and not eat any ham sandwiches.

I’ve been a wreck all day. And for much of the last week as well.

Change and new routines and middle school are all hard for me. Like they are for everyone.

I’m trying not to bring my angst to the table. Am sure I’m overcompensating with great amounts of fake perkiness. 

But the Dynamic Duo probably know what’s up. Because kids see through that stuff in an instant.

When you say,”Oh, okay. It’s okay.” in that tone? That’s when I know it’s really not okay and somebody’s hurt or there’s a big problem.

This is what the 11 year old said to me earlier this summer, and the worst part about it is that she’s exactly right.

It’s unnerving to be this known. Especially when you’re a person who tries to hide her neurotic tendencies!

But it’s worse if your family doesn’t know you at all. Which is the idea behind Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng. This book is a beautifully written account of a family unraveling.(Click this link to go to amazon.com to view more info about this book. Available for around $10.)

It’s less a murder mystery – although one character’s death drives much of the plot – and more an examination of family expectation.

What’s the cost of meeting these expectations? What’s the cost of failing? 

Through the struggling Lee family, Ng answers these questions and poses some more that will make you think long after you finish this read.

The book’s ostensibly about a mild mannered college professor, his wife and children. But it’s really about how parental hopes and experiences shape future generations, in ways good and bad.

At first there’s not a lot of guru girl perkiness here. The characters have to give up pretend and see themselves as they really are, warts and all, before the message of hope ultimately shines through.

But at its core, despite the set up, this is a hopeful story. Just like new beginnings can be hopeful and positive. Even if they involve middle school, barfing butterflies and wackadoo mothers.

Happy reading, guru girls & guys!

New, Favorite Time Suck: Curbed.com

                                          This is my opinion of curbed.com, not anything else covered below. 

“Did you know Jay Z and Beyonce are in couples therapy?” the 8 year old brightly inquired a few days ago.

At the time, a gaggle of her older sister’s friends were at our house and the 8 year old was trying to impress them by showing off her knowledge of all things tween. You know, things like Jay Z, Beyonce, couples therapy.

I was mortified.

I keep my trashy magazine reading on the down low at our house. But the “Wonderwall” app on my phone? It mistakenly loaded onto all our devices, including the kindle for the 11 year old, who has never met an app she doesn’t like.

So she was all too happy to click on it and read all about the alleged couples therapy of our favorite musical superstars. The 11 year old then took great delight in grilling me about her findings, which is probably why it stuck in the 8 year old’s brain as a great gambit to delight her sister and irritate her mother. Total win-win.

I see the error in my ways, people. So I’m deleting the Wonderwall, cancelling the “US Weekly” and forgetting the channel number for "E".

Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of extra free time.

I’m going to fill it by reading another online gossip site, but one that is far less damaging to impressionable children because it’s about zip codes, not a celebrity’s unzipped trousers.

Curbed.com is the name of the site.(Click this link to go to curbed.com) It reports on the latest, outlandish real estate deals and ideas. It has categories like "lifestyles of the rich and richer" and "starchitecture for sale". 

It even includes pictures of these posh pads. And you can specify which cities you're interested in for the house gawking. The Boston offshoot gives me my Boston fix better than a cup of coffee from Dunkin’. 

Dunkin’ Donuts and curbed.com. Now there’s a win-win. Demerits from the Parenting Hall Of Fame not included.