1 Great Poster & Attitude: Comin' Up

I don’t want to brag, but last night I figured out the LCM. (Or was it LCD?) No matter. There it was on the math worksheet in front of me.

The worksheet wanted to know the LCM.

The confused 6^th grader wanted to know the LCM.

I wanted to know the LCM.

But the scribbled example made no sense. 

And we’ve established I can barely remember what I learned last week, much less what I learned 30 years ago.

And there was my cell phone. Just begging to skype Guru Guy for a quick LCM tutorial.

But we didn’t do it. Instead, I sat down and, with the 6^th grader, puzzled it out.

I hate puzzling it out.

Because the costs are high, in terms of time spent and likelihood of failure. 

But when you puzzle it out successfully? What a high.

I don’t puzzle new things out very often. I have an elaborate defense mechanism in place. My internal monologue is quick to protest, “I’m far too busy/productive/old to do _____(insert whatever task I’m afraid of here).

Because that’s what it really is: fear. Fear of failure or subpar performance. Or embarrassment.

Fear protects us from those feelings of vulnerability, but it also keeps us from experiencing those feelings of accomplishment when we’re successful at something that’s hard, something we’d rather just delegate to someone else.

I’m not saying the next time I get a flat tire I’m gonna be the one out there changing it. I know my limitations, and someone’s gotta keep those AAA guys employed.

But maybe my limitations aren’t as great as I sometimes think. Maybe I should give it a try before I write something off completely.

I went paddleboarding for the first time this summer.

Shockingly, non-sporty me didn’t fall off the board once. And I had a blast.

Who knew?

I’ve overdone it on the motivational sayings here at home, but if not, I’d totally get this poster. As a reminder to just say yes. And also, a reminder to learn some Latin. 

Because shoot, I know the LCM, how hard can Latin be? (Click this link to go to the etsy shop that offers this poster, for around $9, and lots of other great ones too.)

Timeless & Trendy Tablescape: 4 Easy Steps

I have no idea what Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction was at the VMAs on Monday. This is because I am keeping my vow to rid myself of trashtastic, celebrity knowledge.

It has only been a week. But I am feeling virtuous with a capital V.

My fella should be feeling less virtuous because he actually watched some of the VMAs. The Beyonce part. And then he tried to engage me in one of our favorite conversations,” Why is Queen B so popular when her music is so bad?”

I fell for this tactic, not realizing until later this was just a distraction so I couldn’t yell at Guru Guy for oogling Beyonce when I am on celeb media blackout.

Not cool, Robert Frost.

But here’s what is cool: design tricks that are easy-peasy. Like this table centerpiece that is both easy to produce and long-lasting. Please note that I am not inserting any catty Beyonce references here, even though the sentence is practically begging for one.

The 4 Ingredient “Lasts Forever & Looks Great Doing It” Tablescape:

1.      Get yourself a tray. A wooden one gives a nice, textural look.

2.    Artfully arrange 4 mini-Perrier bottles on tray.

3.    Plop a mini floral arrangement on the tray. It should be low-standing so you can see over it.

4.    Prop some cute cocktail napkins on tray.

5.     Threaten your family &/or housemates with dreadful consequences if they try to use any items on tray.

 Warning: You will undoubtedly have to explain the concept of “for show”. As in, “These items are just for show. Not for use.”

Side effect: You will feel shallow when doing so.

The “for show” concept will mystify children, who believe nothing is for show, even Mommy’s cocktail dress, which our oldest daughter once used as a tissue while I was wearing it!

Clearly, Nicki Minaj is not the only one who has experienced a wardrobe malfunction. However, there is nothing malfunctioning about this centerpiece. For a timeless table in no time, give it a go! 

Everything I Never Told You: A Good Read

Today is the first day of school -- brand new schools -- for the Dynamic Duo.

The girls walked out the door this morning, pretty unflappable. Even though the 8 year old said she had butterflies in her stomach and “Mom, they’re barfing”.

With head held high, she took her barfing butterflies right into 3^rd grade where her goals for the year are: not get in trouble and not eat any ham sandwiches.

I’ve been a wreck all day. And for much of the last week as well.

Change and new routines and middle school are all hard for me. Like they are for everyone.

I’m trying not to bring my angst to the table. Am sure I’m overcompensating with great amounts of fake perkiness. 

But the Dynamic Duo probably know what’s up. Because kids see through that stuff in an instant.

When you say,”Oh, okay. It’s okay.” in that tone? That’s when I know it’s really not okay and somebody’s hurt or there’s a big problem.

This is what the 11 year old said to me earlier this summer, and the worst part about it is that she’s exactly right.

It’s unnerving to be this known. Especially when you’re a person who tries to hide her neurotic tendencies!

But it’s worse if your family doesn’t know you at all. Which is the idea behind Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng. This book is a beautifully written account of a family unraveling.(Click this link to go to amazon.com to view more info about this book. Available for around $10.)

It’s less a murder mystery – although one character’s death drives much of the plot – and more an examination of family expectation.

What’s the cost of meeting these expectations? What’s the cost of failing? 

Through the struggling Lee family, Ng answers these questions and poses some more that will make you think long after you finish this read.

The book’s ostensibly about a mild mannered college professor, his wife and children. But it’s really about how parental hopes and experiences shape future generations, in ways good and bad.

At first there’s not a lot of guru girl perkiness here. The characters have to give up pretend and see themselves as they really are, warts and all, before the message of hope ultimately shines through.

But at its core, despite the set up, this is a hopeful story. Just like new beginnings can be hopeful and positive. Even if they involve middle school, barfing butterflies and wackadoo mothers.

Happy reading, guru girls & guys!

New, Favorite Time Suck: Curbed.com

                                          This is my opinion of curbed.com, not anything else covered below. 

“Did you know Jay Z and Beyonce are in couples therapy?” the 8 year old brightly inquired a few days ago.

At the time, a gaggle of her older sister’s friends were at our house and the 8 year old was trying to impress them by showing off her knowledge of all things tween. You know, things like Jay Z, Beyonce, couples therapy.

I was mortified.

I keep my trashy magazine reading on the down low at our house. But the “Wonderwall” app on my phone? It mistakenly loaded onto all our devices, including the kindle for the 11 year old, who has never met an app she doesn’t like.

So she was all too happy to click on it and read all about the alleged couples therapy of our favorite musical superstars. The 11 year old then took great delight in grilling me about her findings, which is probably why it stuck in the 8 year old’s brain as a great gambit to delight her sister and irritate her mother. Total win-win.

I see the error in my ways, people. So I’m deleting the Wonderwall, cancelling the “US Weekly” and forgetting the channel number for "E".

Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of extra free time.

I’m going to fill it by reading another online gossip site, but one that is far less damaging to impressionable children because it’s about zip codes, not a celebrity’s unzipped trousers.

Curbed.com is the name of the site.(Click this link to go to curbed.com) It reports on the latest, outlandish real estate deals and ideas. It has categories like "lifestyles of the rich and richer" and "starchitecture for sale". 

It even includes pictures of these posh pads. And you can specify which cities you're interested in for the house gawking. The Boston offshoot gives me my Boston fix better than a cup of coffee from Dunkin’. 

Dunkin’ Donuts and curbed.com. Now there’s a win-win. Demerits from the Parenting Hall Of Fame not included. 

Stylish, Cheap Art In 2 Easy Steps

Patience is not my strong suit. Even for my favorite topics (i.e. home decorating, child rearing and skin tanning). 

For these, I like the option that works immediately. In fact, my favorite is the one that worked yesterday.

This approach has gotten me in trouble.

For years my love of tanned skin led me to douse myself in self tanner, which gave me a vibrant orange glow no one would mistake for golden.

On the kiddo front, my lack of patience results in the 8 year old’s hair often looking like it has been braided by wolves.

On the decorating front, impatient me once impulse-bought a painting. A painting that was 3 feet high by 9 feet long and wouldn’t fit in the car. I had to carry that baby home. From the store. Battling winter temperatures and a gusty wind.

All because I had become fed up with the giant, blank wall in my living room. I became fed up and decided it had to be fixed. 

Immediately.

I wish I had known this following tip instead:

Make your own painting. With wallpaper and molding.

Not only is this DIY route cheaper, it doesn’t involve risk of hypothermia or sailing into traffic when the wind turns you and your painting into a maritime team.  

This DIY method is somewhat lacking in adventure but not lacking in style or economy.

Just buy a roll of wallpaper, get yourself some pre-cut, pre-painted molding and voila! giant work of art. With all the money you save, you can get yourself some color-coordinated pillows too. As I like to say, it's a lotta look, little lucre (that's French for money, which is about the only thing I remember from high school French class).  

Happy decorating guru girls & guys!

Hide Kitchen Clutter In 1 Easy Step

I have a love/hate thing with the whole hidden-in-plain-sight concept.

On the home front, I love the hidden-away idea because I don’t like visual clutter.

But I hate it when a hidden object becomes a lost object.

So I am undecided on this organization tip I just read about. The tip is this: use a bread box as a charging station for your cell phones/i-pads/kindles etc.

Close the lid and voila! you have gizmos charging but not cluttering your kitchen.

In theory, this sounds great. In practice, I wonder how it will work.

Especially for man-lookers. Not that any of those live at my house.

(Man-looker = an individual challenged in finding household items, even those directly in front of eyes. Can be identified by distinctive cry that begins,”Have you seen my…” Gender: either. Age: any.)

I think the breadbox charging station would cause less visual clutter at my house but more nervous breakdowns for the man-lookers unable to find their gadgets.

It’s a trade off. Is it worth it?

I guess it depends how desperately you want to hide said items. Are you Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes let’s-hide-a-pregnancy-for-6-months desperate? 

Or do you take a more confounding approach, a la actress Zoe Saldana, who appeared preggers on the red carpet but refused to confirm. This drove the talking heads to speculate: is Saldana expecting a real baby or suffering from a burrito baby?

Personally, I find burrito baby musings distasteful. Almost as distasteful as kitchen clutter! But to each their own.

Conquer that clutter any way that works for you, guru girls & guys (but not by shoving it temporarily in the oven, a decision that shows poorer judgement than those of us who spend minutes of our lives opining about burrito babies.) 

Hair Removal Without The Hassle: Tria Hair Removal Laser 4X

Hair Removal Without The Hassle * or ungodly scent of Nair

Every summer it is the same.

I berate myself for ignoring that winter Groupon for hair removal.

Permanent hair removal seems expensive and time consuming and utterly superfluous. In winter.

In summer, it seems like it just might be the best thing ever.

But it takes 6 months and many visits to the laser place to zap those problem follicles. So by the time you’re fed up enough to actually do it, it’s August and you delay it another year.

It is an endless cycle.

Until now.

Enter the Tria Hair Removal Laser 4X. This at-home laser does the same job as your favorite laser technician. Without the hefty price tag and trek across town to get to her.

The Tria retails for a spendy $449 but similar salon treatments go for at least twice as much. 

Gals who tested this gizmo reported the Tria laser process was a little painful but a lot worth it. Especially if you’re focusing on a smaller surface area (think face, pit zone or bikini line).

This mini laser requires you to zap each hair follicle, so doing large real estate areas (like your whole leg) would be a bad idea.

You can get a Tria from amazon.com, which means there are customer reviews to read. There are over 200 reviews posted. Maybe I’m naïve, but the Tria public relations department can’t be posting all of them, right?

For a fuzz-free look next summer, try-a the Tria (sorry, couldn’t resist)! (Click this link to learn more about it on amazon.com.)