2 Hands, 1 Heart & A Whole Lotta Homeland

My fella and I are excited. The new season of “Homeland” is about to start. We are less excited that our Showtime subscription has changed.

We can access Showtime online but not on the actual television set anymore.

This means we’re gonna have to get our fix of weekly espionage on the i-pad... a device we’re going to have to share.

This is very bad news.

We don’t share well. In fact, I once told Guru Guy if he didn’t buy himself his own umbrella I was going to leave him. 

We were in San Francisco. It was pouring rain, and we’d spent the day struggling over the umbrella.

We were newlyweds so this explains why we would even attempt such a rookie move as sharing an umbrella. Mental note: just because it looks cute and romantic in the “Pepsi” ad does not mean it is at all cute and romantic in real life.

We are no longer newlyweds. We are hardened veterans (like the Homeland crew this season!). We know what works for us, and it’s not sharing. So I’m getting the TwoHands II gadget. It snaps onto the i-pad and voila! hands-free viewing.(Click this link to go to amazon.com where you can get the TwoHands II for around $10.)

It will free up my hands and my heart. Because I will not spend the evening thinking hateful thoughts about my fella and his bad i-pad holding ways.  

One can only hope Claire Danes experiences a similar epiphany this season. Surely, like guru girl, she can forgive, forget and shop her way out of the darkness.

Happy viewing, guru girls & guys! 

Fish & Other Fall Festival Mishaps

I have made it through not one but two Fall Festivals at school. Both went surprisingly well, despite some unexpected setbacks.

The middle school festival was a runaway success. Remember, my cupcakes were among the featured dessert items there. But despite my careful planning of a cupcake theme, they didn’t turn out quite as I envisioned.

They were supposed to look like goldfish in a bowl.

The result? Not so much.

So then I worried no one would buy them. It turns out I overestimated my creative cupcake abilities, but I underestimated the sales skills of the 11 year old. She talked those cupcakes up to her friends, who then bought them up and ate them up. Hurray! Total win!

The fall festival at the elementary school was no less fraught. I signed up to volunteer for “concessions”. In my mind concessions meant I’d stand behind a snack table, sell potato chips and chat with other moms.

There is a dark side to concessions no one talks about. And that dark side is this: when hot dogs are being offered, someone has to make the hot dogs. And pop them in buns and wrap them in foil and slog them to the sales table. Guess who that someone was last weekend?

On the bright side I now know how to operate a large, hot dog steam unit (you can make 60 at a time!), and at least I didn’t have to wear a hair net.

But while I was busy with Operation Hot Dog, my fella was busy breaking one of our most important house rules: Fish are not allowed as pets.

Guru Guy let the 8 year old play a game where winners were rewarded with a goldfish. A live, swim-in-a-bowl goldfish.

Guess who won the game?

Guess what house now has a goldfish?

Fish are not allowed at our house because all of us hate cleaning the fish bowl, and it gets really disgusting. We know this because we had a beta fish who lived at least 5 years.

I danced a jig when he finally died and the house rule – No Fish! – was born.

But now we have a fish and a special fish tank on order. My Fun Fish Tank is supposed to be self-cleaning. My fella read all the customer reviews and they agree it actually works.

The tank had better work, harder than guru girl at the hot dog table, or else that guppy’s gonna get grossed out by his living conditions.(Click this link to learn more about My Fun Fish Tank, available for $14.99 online or from Target.)

In all seriousness, fall festivals remain one of my favorite fall things. Even when they involve goldfish.

Many thanks to the volunteers who make them happen, especially the volunteers who, unlike guru girl, have a good attitude and basic competence ;)

2 Ways To Smell As Good As Sofia Vergara Looks

There is a reason I am obsessed with laundry and that reason is pictured above,

 in the very act of creating more laundry.

Usually I am not about the extra step. Good enough is good for me. But sometimes -- just sometimes -- the extra step is worth it.

Because it can make basic laundry, great laundry. It can turn a tired salad into a terrific one.

For great laundry, the answer is detergent and scent boosters. You know those people who smell amazing, and it’s clearly not perfume or weird body spray? 

Like guru girl, they have googled their way to the answer: Gain Laundry Detergent and scent boosters. (Click this link to go to amazon.com where you can order Gain In Wash Scent Boosters for around $7.)

 

Scent boosters look like mini skittles. You throw a handful of them on top of your dirty duds and something positively transformative happens. Your clothes – and you who wear them – smell fantastic. Forever!

Scent boosters are little pods of goodness in the irksome task called laundry. I love them, almost as much as I love the chopped salad from Maggiano’s, which I also googled this week.

Am testing the Maggiano's recipe out this weekend and shall report my findings to you next week.

Happy going-the-extra-mile this weekend, guru girls & guys!

1 Good Thing (Frasier Fir Candle) & 2 Bad Ones

This is me, upon hearing the bad news about stress.

This just in: if you’re a woman leading a high stress life, it can increase your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease when you’re old. This scientific finding was reported today by Lara Spencer on “Good Morning America”.

Why can’t Lara Spencer just stick to flea market finds instead of upsetting scientific ones?!

Right now my stress level is as high as my Visa bill, which is pretty high this month because of things I’ve had to purchase to make up for my stress-induced screw up’s.

Like the new mailbox.

Because the old one got backed into.

And the neighbors weren’t especially psyched by the resulting “redesign”. 

Maybe I just didn’t sell the idea to them with enough Lara Spencer zest?

This purchase happened just weeks after I had to buy a new bumper for the car because the car’s old bumper had an unfortunate meeting with the side of the garage.

Grrr.

So my fall shopping budget is busted, except for one, little item that’s a gotta get. Because this little number makes me feel like I’m in a tranquil, pine forest, instead of near a smelly garage, where I've just wrought havoc with my too-big car. 

It’s called the Frasier Fir Aromatic Candle (by Thymes). It retails for a spendy $28. But it’s worth every penny. Because it brings your stress level down and the cozy house factor up. Perfect fresh forest scent, I promise. (Click this link to go to amazon.com where you can order the Frasier Fir Candle from Thymes for around $28.)

Happy fall, guru girls & guys! 

3 Easy Options To Stow Your Gear

These Trofast shelves from Ikea retail for $180. Hooks for coats/bags additional. 

I am the locker whisperer. At least this is what I told the 11 year old this summer when we went to middle school check-in. She was worried her locker wouldn’t open.

And it turns out she was right to worry. Her locker is hard to open! In life, there are some inescapable truths:

You never get assigned the easy-to-open locker. Just like you never get assigned the easy-to-organize family. 

So we embrace the work around. Some WD40 here, a mudroom there, and we’re in business!  

If you don’t have a mudroom but you do have a formal dining room or living room, it’s a no-brainer. Thanksgiving comes once a year. 

Getting your family out the door? 

Every day.

Take an entire wall of this fancy room and trick it out. We’re talking storage, people. Locker storage cabinets or coat hooks and benches with shoe storage. 

The goal is to store at least 3 sets of shoes, coats and bags. There are a million ways to do it. And all of them are better than throwing that stuff on the floor or kitchen table.

This shutter locker storage is from homedecorators.com. It retails for $469 with $40 shipping. And it has a closed-door option too, which retails for $799.

For that twice a year you actually use your formal dining room, you can move the storage system into the garage so you’re not looking at Junior’s smelly soccer cleats over the turkey.

This "bench with shoe storage" unit is from Ikea and retails for $60. Place several hooks over it for coats and backpacks. 

This middle school locker only took us 2 1/2 hours to open. 

I know we like pretty rooms and spaces. Heck, I’m the one who bought the 11 year old a chandelier. For her locker.

But functional trumps pretty. She’s gotta be able to open the locker to enjoy the chandelier. It’s the same principle for our homes: first the function, then the fabulous.

Happy organizing, guru guys & girls! 

Dog Swag: 3 Hot Trends

I love my dog as much as the next gal. But, dog lovers, we have got to get a grip.

They are now selling a fitness tracker… for my dog. The FitBark is for people who want to track their pet’s every move via a gizmo attached to the collar. It calculates my dog’s hourly activity level and *bonus*, according to the literature, it lets me compare this level to other dog breeds.

Why would I need a gadget to tell me this information? Why would I not just look at my dog? The one who tracks me around 24/7?

This dog gadgetry seems excessive. Even to me, a person who once debated swabbing Stanley’s cheek and sending it away to a place that does dog geneology.

I would love to know the different breeds that combined to make the perfect alchemy that is Stanley. But there are better things to spend my money on, like a fitness belt for myself!

I know these are reminiscent of those fanny packs from the 80s, but an on-the-go girl’s got gear. Even when she’s just walking the dog, I mean, conducting a personal training canine fitness session.

The spibelt fits my keys, phone, Kleenex and motivational dog treats. All without bouncing around when I’m chasing Stanley as he chases local wildlife and the occasional threatening leaf.(Click this link to go to spibelt.com where you can order this belt up for around $20.)

For dog owners, I like the spibelt. I disparage the FitBark, and I question the Cuddle Clone, which is a stuffed animal clone of your pet you can order from the internet.

Am pretty sure this face is unclonable – so will just enjoy the real thing instead!

Happy Thursday, guru girls & guys!

Fall Vignette Style In 3 Easy Steps

It is fall. Season of cute fashion, pumpkin lattes and bake sales.

Bake sales unglue me. This is because I am not a good baker. And not a good packager.

So I am a little apprehensive that I have signed up to provide 18 cutely packaged, baked items on Friday.

I am about to call my mother for some ideas. Grandma Guru is the only domestic goddess I know who owns and uses a glaze gun intended to seal elaborate desserts.

Probably I will not be using her glaze gun for my bake sale items.

Because I had an unfortunate kitchen fire incident just last week. And there weren’t even any glaze guns involved. Just a paper napkin I was using to pry a hot muffin out of the tin, which was sitting on the oven, next to a burner that was on.

That napkin went up in flames pretty fast, but not as fast as guru girl, who shot over to the sink and doused the whole mess before the flames further exploded.

I am already agitated about the bake sale. I don’t need to add any more excitement to the prep.

But here’s a prep I do enjoy: decorating the front porch for fall. Exciting, easy and involves no fire!

Luckily, Grandma Guru is also an expert in this. Here are her top tips for…

Fall Festing Up Your Front Door:

1.      Varying heights put the “wow” in a fall vignette. Visit your local garden center and look for 3 to 4 different types of filler.

2.    In the picture above, Grandma Guru has selected mums, garden cabbages and dried grasses. She’s artfully arranged them in cute containers. But if you don’t have any of these, you can buy mums that come in cheap, wooden baskets. These won’t last more than a season, but they look cute and are reasonable. (Most grocery stores sell the mum/container duo for around $12.)

3.    You do need to get a basket for the dried grasses and shafts of wheat in the background. Line the bottom of the container with floral foam so you can wedge the grasses into it, and they’ll stand up straight.

4.    Once you’ve styled up your fall vignette, it will last a month or two as long as you remember to water the mums. Bonus! The dried grasses/wheat last forever so you can save them for next year’s vignette.

This fall vignette will make you look and feel like your home is straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog. Until you open the front door and the illusion is shattered by pesky real life things like flaming napkins, which give your kitchen entirely the wrong kind of amber glow.

Happy fall, guru girls & guys!