For A Good Time, Call... : Excellent Movie

 

Nikki and I have a good mother-daughter relationship. We spar. We spat. We offer unsolicited advice on hair styles, decorating choices and child & dog rearing. We generally know our boundaries and have code words if one of us is tiptoeing over the line. I’ve been known to shout “Back off North Korea” at her upon occasion. I don’t know if Nikki knows this is my code phrase for “boundary violation” but it is. It makes me feel better to say it, and it usually startles her into silence. Probably because she’s wondering if her daughter has Political Tourette’s Syndrome.

One of my hard limits concerns entertainment featuring sex. I simply can’t discuss it with my mother. We both read the 50 Shades trilogy. Nikki fired off a conversational gambit about it with me, and I North-Korea’d her immediately. Nope, not discussing the red room of pain with my mother.

So it might seem odd that I took my mom to see the indie comedy “For A Good Time, Call…” last week. And it might seem odder still that we both loved it. This movie was written and directed by Seth Rogan’s wife, Lauren Anne Miller. She also stars in the movie as a 20-something forced to move in with Katie, an arch enemy from college. They’re both broke and decide to open a phone sex hotline in order to make rent. They end up making rent and a really great friendship too.

It’s a total “feel good” movie. There’s raunchy content of course and some words that I’m pretty sure neither my mom nor I knew. But that’s what the “urban slang” dictionary is for! At its heart the movie’s about how in our 20s we pine for a romantic relationship with a fella, but it’s the friendships we have with our girlfriends that are the relationships that really sustain us.

And it’s the relationship with our mothers that keep us on our toes! To shake yours up, go see or rent this movie with your own mother. Or quiz her to see how she would define different phrases from the urban slang dictionary. For instance, see if she knows what “gotcha girl” means and then watch her face when you tell her.(Click this link for the definition.) It might be even funnier than “For A Good Time, Call…”  

An Update & An App: The Oracle Of Bacon

I am deeply concerned about the fate of the world.
 
It’s not that some tacky French magazine printed pics of Princess Kate’s ta-ta’s.
 
It’s not the relentless political Robocalls we’re getting each night telling us what a dirtball the other guy is.
 
It’s not even that my neighborhood now offers traditional architecture, mature trees and our very own groper. For the last month some guy has been parking in alleys, running up to women walking the ‘hood and groping them before leaping back into his Toyota and revving off into the afternoon.

None of these disturbing developments upset me as much as the reaction from my post last week about closet cleaning.

This was a before shot of my closet, indicating poor closet management. Multiple readers – all of them close friends or relatives – thought this was an “after” shot of my clean, organized closet.

 

No. It was not. It was a shot of a thoroughly disorganized closet, one which I then spent 2 hours organizing for the “after” shot. I mean, one which I spent 2 hours organizing so that my life could be more manageable every morning. Editor’s note: Surely guru girl would not be so shallow as to do something simply for the sake of posting it on her blog.

 

 

Below is the shot of my organized, updated closet. Look at how much better that is!

In other updates:

-       The 50 Shades poll is done. The result of this also upset me. I am obviously the only one of you watching teeny-bopper shows on a regular basis. There were some funny write-in candidates -- Wolf Blitzer, Brian Williams, Clint Eastwood, Rachel Maddow. They were submitted, I suspect, by the only MSNBC watchers I know, my dad & my politically astute friend Lisa. There were no clear winners and only one clear loser: the CW network, which apparently counts only one viewer over the age of 20: me.

-       I never did get to a me-ality scanner in Chicago so my fashion choices have stayed pretty much the same. Although let me tell you how my fella’s are gonna change.

You know my friend Tanisha? She wasn’t mad about me not reading the “how to blog” book. She wasn’t mad about my 6 year old tormenting her. She was, however, really mad when, a few posts ago, I recommended Tommy Bahama jeans. This caused a veritable flurry of e-mails from Tanisha, none of them good, many of them in ALL CAPS asking if I had LOST MY MIND.

 

So yes, my fella likes the Tommy Bahama jeans, but no, he’s not 60. So I’m going to sneak them out of his closet and replace them with a pair of low-slung “7 For All Mankind”. He will not be comfortable, but he will be hip and will probably spend much of October wandering the house, asking, “Have you seen my favorite jeans?”

Have a great weekend, everyone. If you have some extra time, try my favorite, new time waster: oracleofbacon.org. (Click this link to get to the site.)

It’s the online version of everyone’s favorite game: “Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon”. What’s Winona Ryder’s bacon number? 2. How about Orlando Bloom? Also 2. Log on to find out how.

 

  

The Reason This Will Never Be Purchased

... By Either Of Our Girls. Ever.

 

(Frame available at swoozies.com for around $30.)

 

Bedtime squabbles are my favorite part of the day. Last night the 9 year old came storming into the family room, complaining that the 6 year old (instead of trying to go to sleep) was using a Nerf ball gun to fire Easter eggs filled with jewelry, at her big sister as she was dozing off.

That would be a rude awakening. I’m not a big fan of the alarm clock, but it’s better than an Easter egg being fired at my head.

“You have to put it in toy jail,” the 9 year old fumed, before stomping off to her room.

At our house toy jail means business. Toy jail started when the girls were young. It’s located on a counter just off the kitchen, and it is where the toys of misbehaving girls are imprisoned, usually for a 24 hour period. Wow is it ever effective. The Nerf gun is now in toy jail. The 6 year old saw it this morning and walked past with a mournful look on her face.

“When is it getting out?” she asked sadly.

It’s not like the counter is high. The Dynamic Duo can both reach the item to get it out of jail. But they don’t. Because the concept of toy jail is powerful. (Editor's Note: Dad, you probably shouldn't read the rest of this post.)

Try it at your house. I bet it would even work on husbands and boyfriends. Hopefully they’re not abusing their Nerf ball guns -- if they are, that’s above guru girl’s pay grade -- but if your fella is always leaving his shoes out, put ‘em in toy jail. 24 hours later you can dress up in a sexy jailer outfit for the parole. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade.  

The 1 Item That Trendifies Your Living Space

This morning I snuck into our 9 year old’s room and popped the balloon she nicknamed George. Intentionally. With nail scissors. The 9 year old has been kicking, batting, spiking and punting George around the house. For a week. She loves George. I hate him and all balloons.

 

Balloons are nothing but trouble. From the very first one you give your toddler, on a string, outside, and she lets it go by mistake and watches it drift skyward, tears running down her cheeks. This should tell you something: balloons and children do not mix well. Like soda and pop rocks. It seems like it could be explosive fun, but it’s just a recipe for explosive crying.

 

At our house it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference. “Are you laughing or crying?” my fella and I have been known to ask our offspring. This is why you should take any of my parenting advice with a grain of salt, or maybe a bag of it. Or maybe just file it under the “parenting: what not to do” section of your brain.

 

But here’s the thing: we are responsible for our own happiness. That’s what all the self-help books say. So minimize the objects that instantly put you in a bad mood (see Exhibit A: guru girl, nail scissors and the balloon). Maximize objects that instantly put you in a good mood. Like fresh flowers.

 

I like the $5 or less variety. I like them all in one color, piled in a white vase. They just make me happy. And they don’t cost a lot of money or calories. How many happiness-inducing things can you say this about?

 

I also really like this vase that I put them in. It’s an owl vase, and I think it’s fantastic for many reasons.

 

1)    Owls are having a moment in decorating right now so it’s kind of trendy.

 

2)  The vase is quirky, which is a nice way to undercut the formality of a living room.

 

3)   When you pile a spiky sort of flower in the vase it looks like Don King… if Don King were an owl and had green hair. This fact makes me smile instantly.

 My owl vase vignette cost around $30 ($5 for the flowers, $25 for the vase), but the multiple smiles it brings to my face each day? Priceless.

4 Fashion Faux Pas For Fellas

 

Every quarter I hand out “getting to know you” questionnaires to my college students. It’s typical stuff – where are you from, favorite hobbies etc. If I were completely honest on my own questionnaire, I’d have to list people watching at the airport as one of my favorite hobbies.

 

I love people watching at the airport, and it’s a good thing because I got a good chance to do it yesterday. Specifically all day yesterday when our flight got cancelled, and my fella and I got to spend some quality airport time.

 

I know guys in their 30s and 40s can be sartorially challenged. I know they might not care about fashion or style. This is no excuse. If you leave the house, you are inflicting your fashion on other people. Read on for a quick guide of what to strike from your closet forever.

1.     Shower shoes – Anything striped and plastic is a non-starter. They’re called shower shoes for a reason. You wear them in the shower, not at the terminal for Frontier Airlines.

 

2.    Embellished jeans – News flash: you’re not all up in the club. You’re up in the customer service representative’s face, trying to sweet talk her into letting you fly stand by. If she thinks you’re a club kid trying to make the mile high club in her aircraft it’s not going to help your case.

 

If the back pockets of your jeans have more frosting on them than your kid’s last birthday cake, that’s a problem. There’s a solution for that. They’re called Tommy Bahama jeans, and your wife will thank me if you get a pair.  

3.    Ed Hardy T-shirts – You cannot wear these unless you’ve got a steel horse in the driveway and a sleeve of tattoos… because this is what the Ed Hardy t-shirt suggests when you wear it.

Ed Hardys make guys look like posers. Rock your (non-logo-ed, with collar) shirt with pride. And leave the posing to those fools who think they’re closer to winning the “flying standby” lottery the closer they inch to the jetway.

4.    Jewelry – Any jewelry.

 “What about watches?” says my guy.

Fine.

 “What about wedding rings?”

 Fine.

 “What about those Lance Armstrong plastic bracelets?”

 Fine.

 “What about…”

I had to cut my guy off because he was being almost as annoying as my fellow stand-by passengers.

 
So I didn’t win the flying standby lottery yesterday. But I did win a few other things that I like a lot:

 - an extra night of vacation, courtesy of United Airlines

 - room service, courtesy of United Airlines

 - the privilege of picking the movies my fella and I watch for the next month because I let my guy pick the movie to watch in the hotel last night and he picked “Rock Of Ages” and it was terrible, almost as terrible as the fashion choices of the flying public these days.

5 Easy Ways to 'Just Say No'

Dear Guru Girl,

How can I say “no”? I’m getting asked to do all kinds of stuff. I don’t have time for half of it. How can I say “no” but keep my people-pleasing ways?

Sincerely, Stressed Out Yes-Woman

First off, I feel your pain. I also hate saying “no”, and Peppy Community Ladies (PCLs) are always hitting me up for my mad volunteer skills. But for my sanity, I do say “no”. Here are ways to do it:

1.      The hard no – Must be uttered with a sincere crushed expression. You say,”Shoot. My schedule is booked solid. But thanks for thinking of me.” The “thanks” part is key. It softens the “no” and leaves the interaction on a positive note.

2.    The soft no --  “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

Checking your schedule is just good practice. And when you check it you could conceivably find that the event directly conflicts with your “US Weekly” reading time.

Note: you leave the “US Weekly” part out when you reconnect with PCL to tell her you can’t do it. You just say your schedule is booked. You never explain what exactly it’s booked with, because this just invites PCL to come back at you with how you really can fit her event into your jam packed life. Clearly, PCL has never read “US Weekly” and doesn’t realize how engrossing it is. “US Weekly” reading time can never be shortened.

3.    The partial yes – “I can’t be in charge of the school event/church committee/ neighborhood watch, but I’d be happy to volunteer with the group once it’s off the ground.”

4.    The “Are you nuts?!” look – Give PCL the look. The one your kids know means they’ve stepped over the line, like when each one orders something different for dinner, clearly mistaking you for a short order cook instead of their mother.

5.     Pretend not to speak English – Obviously this works in select circumstances only.

Lastly, banish the guilt. I often say “yes” because PCL also has a lot on her plate, she’s a good person and it’s a good cause. Here’s the thing: there are lots of good causes out there. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you choose to not run the school auction/ head up the church gala/ deliver Meals On Wheels to needy seniors.

It means you’re a person who has many demands on her time, a clear set of boundaries about how she’ll spend her free time and a confidence in her value as a person that she doesn’t have to say “yes” every time she’s asked to join something.

With that said, I do believe it’s important to give back to the world. I have even been PCL on occasion, but it’s important to honestly assess the time you have to give and where it can be best spent. The commitment that comes from this genuine reflection will serve you – and the volunteer group – well. Because you’ll be doing stuff you really care about, not just stuff you got guilt-tripped into.

“No” is a good word. Each week “US Weekly” tells us about times when people should have said “no”.

-         Lindsay Lohan – “No, my kleptomaniac self can’t go to that party where fancy jewelry will be laying around, begging to be picked up.”

-         Kim Kardashian – “No, I can’t be on “Dancing With The Stars”. I really can’t dance.”

-         Dina Eastwood – “No, I can’t do a reality show on E. Americans will start a petition to institutionalize my national treasure of a husband because he clearly lost his mind in marrying me.”

The 1 Hour Task That Will Save You 5 Hours

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds secretly got married this past weekend. They pulled off this hat trick in an age of constant celebrity surveillance.

Way to go Blake and Ryan! They’ve just proved the impossible can be accomplished. Now it’s your turn. You need to confront the impossible in your own life. Yes, I’m talking about your closet. You know it’s bad. Your fella knows it bad. Heck, even your kids know it’s bad if it’s their favorite place to hide during games of “Hide & Seek”. Distasteful fact: They are choosing to hide here because it’s so out-of-control packed that their sibling will never find them.

This is no way to live. Tackle the closet. Here’s how:

1.     Choose one night this week.  Get Subway sandwiches for dinner for the family. This will save you at least an hour in prepping, eating and clean up.

2.    Use this hour to clean your closet.

3.    You know the drill from all those HGTV shows. Go in with 3 bags. They are labeled: donate, mend, not sure about.

4.    Be ruthless. If you haven’t worn a piece in the last year – be honest! – it goes in the “not sure about” bag. You’re going to stash this bag anywhere but your closet. The basement, under the bed, anywhere. It’s going to live here for at least 6 months. This simple act will free you up to really go-to-town because it’s not like you’re saying goodbye to the piece forever, just for 6 months. (Thanks to my friend Tara for this great tip!)

5.    Edit your now-sparse closet. Put clothes from the off-season in one area (or better yet, in an out-of-sight closet/storage if you have it). 

6.    Group shirts together. I get really compulsive about this and even like to cluster them by color. Group pants together, dresses etc. At the end, your closet is going to look like a rack at “The Gap”. Can I get an amen?   

7.    Only at this point can you even consider nipping out to Target to buy matching hangers, storage containers for shoes etc. This is the fun part of organizing. You have to make yourself earn this part by doing the drudgery part first.

8.    Actually schedule it. I know you’re reading this and thinking,” I should really do that. That would save me so much time in figuring out what to wear.” Quit thinking and start doing. Pick up your planner. Find a night, and just do it.

For my own motivation I’m going to include a picture of my own closet here.

 

I’m going to tackle this project myself and post a new and improved picture of it next week in an “update” post. Included will be the results of our “50 Shades” poll and other riveting updates.  

In other celebrity news, Kanye West helped Kim Kardashian clean her closet just last week. Closet cleaning is a drag, but at least you don’t have to do it listening to “Gold Digger” on continuous loop.