Another Thing I Wish I Hadn't Said

 “Make it rain, baby!” – to the 9 year old, after a gust of wind swept up the dollars she was balancing on a plate at the pool, and they fluttered like confetti onto the heads of the sunbathers all around

In case of repetition when school starts next week, I am totally putting down her father’s contact number on the school forms I’m currently filling out.

Reason I'm Joining allrecipes.com Right Now

 The 9 year old’s confession to me earlier today.

“You’re a good cook, Mom. You’ve never given us salmonella.”

Really? This is now the standard for good cooking at our house? Not okay. Not when you’ve got enough chutzpah to write a blog implying that you are a guru across many different categories, including health.

The situation must be remedied presto. And the website “allrecipes.com” is the way to do it. It’s got 40,000 recipes. It’s free to join, and there’s a free app you can download for your phone.

This last part is key because I’m as famous for getting out the cookbook, writing down a grocery list from it and then forgetting it at home as Kim Kardashian is for her derriere. Only my character defect hasn’t made me rich, famous or a designer of my own Sears fashion line.

If the recipe and grocery list are on your phone, you’re all set. The fine folks at allrecipes.com have gone one step further. What if you don’t want to head to the grocery store but have a whole fridge and pantry full of food, including capers from that time you whipped up that weird, Greek dish that everyone in the family hated?

There’s a special feature where you can type in items that you have on hand – say chicken and capers – and it will pop out a recipe that includes these items for you. How great is that? No more capers moldering away in the back of the fridge.

I don’t know about you, but I am all for something that brings about more inspired cooking and less refrigerator cleaning. That something is “all recipes.com”. Give it a try. It can’t be as bad as “Kardashian Kollection” klothes.

(Click to visit allrecipes.com)

4 Timeless Decorating Tips

Lots of home decorating rules are hard for me to remember. Are those clear, Ghost chairs in or out? How about the Ikat pattern? And what about those cowhide rugs: incredibly chic or incredibly barbaric? Who can recall?

Here are a few timeless decorating guidelines that are easy to conjure up:

1.     The Rule of 3 -- Tchotchkes look better in 3s. Think “Three’s Company”, but apply it to your decorative items instead. You don’t want just one vase. Where was Jack Tripper without Janet and Chrissie? Add the Janet and Chrissie vases, and you go from ho-hum to style statement in a flash.

2.    Uniformity – It’s best if your “Three’s Company” vases are the same. Uniformity helps ground a look. If we’re talking collection display, make sure there’s some unifying element to it, like color or scale or theme. For instance, a group of small mirrors on the wall together looks great, but make sure the frame finish on all of them is similar (i.e. all are in gold or all in silver etc.) This makes a collection look intentional versus hodge-podge.

3.    Mirrors – Mirrors are good and also inexpensive. They add light to a room. They bounce light in a room – all very good things. Every room should have at least one shiny element and one live thing too. Mirrors are your shiny element, and a bouquet of $5 carnations can be your “live” thing if, like me, you’re prone to killing any and all house plants.

Carnations have a cheesy reputation that’s undeserved. They’re cheap, they last forever, and they give a room a solid hit of color. Lotta look, little lucre.

4.    My favorite trick – I pile a bunch of flowers in vases in front of a mirror (see pic below) because the mirror image instantly doubles the look of the blooms. They look big, not puny. It’s why we buy Miracle Bras, no?

5.     My favorite source – The place for tchotchkes, seasonal items etc. is Home Goods, the discount furniture/décor outfit that’s part of the TJ Maxx empire. You can get stuff for a song here – and it leaves you with that satisfied, happy feeling. Kind of like a marathon session of “Star Search” back in the day.

I have no discipline when it comes to Home Goods, which is why I leave my credit cards at home when I go visit my friend Shawna because I have to drive right by a Home Goods on my way to her house. And my car becomes like Kit in “Night Rider”, meaning that it takes on a mind of its own and veers right into that damn parking lot.

But when it comes to home decorating, I usually have enough discipline to remember these basic rules. Following them is a different matter entirely.

Why Weddings Are The Answer

I just got back from my cousin’s wedding. He got married in Iowa on Saturday. I had to pinch my arm and think of maddening things the dog does, to keep from crying in that unglued “Is she okay?” way that sometimes afflicts me when I’m really moved, most recently after viewing “We Bought A Zoo”. That’s how moving and emotional the ceremony was.

Another cousin got married in June, and it was the waterworks for me then too. Although this time I was more controlled, mostly because it was a Quaker ceremony where anyone can offer their testimony to the happy couple, and I was worried my fella would alleviate the occasion’s solemn vibe with a dirty limerick or two.

I love weddings. I love how hopeful they are. I love that in our crazy, no-one-has-time-for-tradition-anymore lives this is a ritual we juggle everything for, schedules and flights and work deadlines. In order to be there. In person. Not by Skype.

I love that family and friends fly in from dozens of cities, states and countries to be there -- in that Welsh church, in the middle of an Iowa cornfield, or in that Quaker meeting house, on an island in the middle of a lake -- to sing together and tear up together and celebrate love in all its messy glory.

And it was messy this weekend, and at the wedding in June too. There were babies crying and elderly relatives confused and the expected disagreements and tensions that come up when there’s travel and weather and expectations and 4 generations under 1 tent together. Boundaries were crossed, emotional and otherwise (btw, Great-Grandma, my guy’s really sorry he walked in on you in the bathroom).

But pride was swallowed and annoyance and pointed words too. I let my mom ruffle my hair. I hate having my hair ruffled. I watched as my dad helped his dad down some steps, with a patience I rarely see in either. I listened when one niece jollied her baby cousin out of a tantrum.

This is what it’s about. This is how we overcome the madness in Aurora and Wisconsin. The answer isn’t to focus on the darkness and pour over the news accounts of the rampages -- the when’s, the where’s, the why’s. Because that’s a black hole that sucks time and energy and hope.

The answer is to focus on the light. The hair that’s ruffled. The hand that’s held. The distracting word that’s whispered. The miles that are traveled. All of this done, by thousands of people, across the country, every Saturday during wedding season. And on countless other days too, when babies are born, deaths mourned, graduations attended and milestones observed.

There’s light all around us. But we have to get our heads out of the black hole long enough to see it and appreciate it for what it is: a gift. Better than any “must have” item Guru Girl blogs about. Because this gift can’t be bought with money. It’s bought with love, the very best in us and of us.

Thanks to my cousins and their brides for reminding us all about the light and throwing 2 of the summer’s best wedding bashes to boot!

 Guru Girl, before bursting into tears at the ceremony

The happy couple from this weekend

Who doesn't love a good square dance?

The happy couple from the June wedding

6 Ways To Tell You're Officially Old

Guru Girl got to attend 2 family weddings this summer, much wisdom gained…

How You Know You’re Old At A Family Wedding:

-       When you remember the groom as a 12 year old at your own wedding, which was just yesterday – if yesterday was, oh, 13 years ago

-       When you don’t know some – okay, most – of the songs the dj’s spinning

-       When your fella is the only one doing the Running Man, not on the dance floor but through the reception hall, chasing your small children

-       When you rocked out more to the satellite radio in the rental car – yeah, 90s station – than you did on the dance floor at the wedding. If the dj had spun Paula Abdul’s “Rush Rush” it might have been a different story

-       When the Bald Booth photo app on the iPhone makes the younger family members giggle hysterically, but it only reminds you of your last high school reunion (BaldBooth app available for 99 cents.)

-       When you opt for sitting around the pool, eating pizza and drinking wine out of Dixie cups as all the little cousins splash around, over dinner at a chi chi restaurant, and it becomes a highlight of the weekend

Bermuda Triangle or Book of Knowledge

The summer camp needs the six year old's immunization forms. The soccer league needs a copy of the nine year old's birth certificate. The college where I teach needs a copy of the professional development class I took. Only a few years ago these requests, all lobbed over the bow within a week, would have sent me on a crazed quest through the scattershot filing system at our house. House documents are in one place, my teaching stuff in another and the kids' stuff? Who knew? They were somewhere in the house that was the Bermuda Triangle of kid socks, water bottles and official documents.

It was no way to live. Enter what we call the "Book Of Knowledge". It is a plastic filing cabinet the size of a bread box. It is portable and it is awesome. It's filled with folders for all the important stuff in our life. There are folders for the house, the car, insurance, passports, financial documents (including lists of credit card numbers and contact info should a wallet get misplaced), the kids (which includes birth certificates, health forms and report cards), the pets and a seldom-opened file of fantasy vacation destinations.

I may not listen to NPR, watch PBS or drive a Volvo, all the things I thought I'd do as an adult (actually I do drive a Volvo but I drive it fast while listening to very inappropriate music), but I am together enough that I own a "Book Of Knowledge". And it's up to date and I know where to find it, which is more than I can say about the heirloom china my grandma gave us.

Trust me when I say these three facts put me ahead of 99 percent of parents out there. I know. I used to teach elementary school. Feel like you're an adult imposter every time an official doc is requested? Set up your own "Book Of Knowledge". It's cheaper than life insurance, more fun than a physical and it gives you the same feeling: responsible and on-top-of-it. Welcome to the 1 percent, baby.

You can also buy a kit that gives you the basic framework for this kind of system. There are several available on amazon. I picked one to show as an example.

Happy organizing, guru girls and guys!




Personal facts document book on amazon.com

Put Down The Rotisserie Chicken

I fear cookbooks have become a relic from the past. Like phone books, photo albums and books by James Michener. Fondly remembered but meaningless to modern life because they take up so damn much time. Who has the time and energy to read the recipe, hunt down the 35 specialty items at the store, procure the special tool needed to construct the dish and then actually whip it up?

No one, except my friend Paul who likes to cook and actually owns a lemon zester. My favorite fella does too but that’s only because Paul told me to buy him one. My point is that unless you’re a naturally good cook, like Paul and my guy, the time/energy quandary of cooking might sink you before you’ve even begun. Because really, the only quick part of the whole cooking process is watching your kids take two bites before proclaiming the dish weird and inedible.

But responding with a nightly roasted chicken (which may or may not be from the deli aisle at the grocery store) isn’t the answer either. If I buy -- I mean, make -- this dish one more time I’m pretty sure my family will go into the “diner relocation program” just to get away from me and my uninspired cooking.

Where is the cookbook that features quick, healthy, good dishes that feature just a few easy-to-find ingredients and no impossible-sounding verbs like “braise” or disgusting-to-prep items like onions? It turns out this cookbook is at the bookstore, under “W” for Workman, which is the last name of the gal who wrote it. It’s called “The Mom 100 Cookbook”.

Apparently, it is a bible for bad cooks like me. This is according to my friend Jane, who owns “The Mom 100 Cookbook” even though she is a naturally good cook herself. I trust Jane’s judgement. She is the one who got guru girl to quit drinking White Zinfandel back in the day. Jane used tough love and told it to me straight,” White Zinfandel is tacky. How about a nice Merlot?”

I’m channeling Jane’s tough love approach here. If you are like me, you need to put the rotisserie chicken down and pick your credit card up. Jump on amazon and order Katie Workman’s “Mom 100 Cookbook”.(Available on amazon.com for around $11.) May it transform what you’re cooking like the Caldrea cleaner (see yesterday’s post) transformed where you’re cooking it.