How To Not Kill A Fish, Catch A Cold...

 ... And Other Impossible Tasks

 

Right now the 9 year old’s beta fish is the size of a small puppy. That’s how bloated he is, and it’s not because he’s overindulging in the fish food.

It’s a bad sign, my fella says. It means the fish is on his way out. Like all the other fish before him. Why can’t we seem to keep fish alive in this house? It can’t be that hard. Except, apparently, for us.

And why can’t we keep from catching the common cold as often as we do? We’re diligent about vitamins. We get enough rest. I bought out a whole store shelf of hand sanitizer last month. But every December we deteriorate into sniffling, sneezing, hacking messes. We’re a human domino chain of virus. Each of us falls; it’s just a matter of time. All winter long.

My friend Becky says she has an answer, and at this stage I’ll try it. Even though it involves going to Whole Foods, which will be more beserk than normal given that Thanksgiving is in two days. Becky says the answer is a potion, by the name of “Kick Ass Immune Activator”. It comes in a little, blue bottle, and you down it at the first hint of a sniffle. Becky swears by it as a way to head off a cold. They even make a kid version called “Kick It”. Becky says it tastes really bad, but its effect is really good. Because it -- well duh -- kicks ass on that cold and has you on your merry way in no time.

I’m going to the store now to get it. When I get back I’ll be writing the eulogy for the fish and pondering other impossible tasks, like how to make pies for Thanksgiving without eating half the batter. Also, if you have tips or tricks about how to keep the damn fish alive, please share them in the comments section. Is the answer a big, fancy, fish tank that self-filters? Maybe there’s some exotic fish food you can buy? The Dynamic Duo, and their fish-killing mother, want to know! (WishGarden Kick Ass Immune Activator is available also at pharmaca.com for around $15. Click on this link to view.)