The Tip That Will Keep You Out Of The Police Log

Just stumbled across a “post it” note on my desk. In capital letters, it says “$18 – leave cash”. Hmmm. I have no idea what this note refers to.  

This is why one of my key household management principles is: Ditch the “post it” notes, adopt the notebook. My first job out of school was as a cub reporter for the weekly newspaper “The Wakefield Observer”.

I drove my editor crazy with my long-winded sentences and aversion to interviewing anyone facing a life struggle, like a house fire, recent arrest or angry constituents. Since investigating this stuff is basically what the job of a reporter is, it was a tough learning curve.

Here’s what made it better: the reporter’s notebook. You write the date at the top of the page every day, and that’s where you write absolutely everything: names, phone numbers, addresses, quotes etc. You carry that baby with you everywhere, and it saves you tons of time.

You just rifle back a couple pages when your editor insists you call back the police captain to get further details about the guy arrested for nude jumping on a trampoline. This was a real story. His neighbors were teenage girls who turned him in.

Get yourself your own reporter’s notebook. Use it at your house. Write everything in it. Take it everywhere. Buy lots of them at once so that you will not find yourself like guru girl, amidst a busy summer, having filled one notebook up and resorting to temporary use of “post it” notes… despite knowing better, which makes the current situation worse.

I now don’t have time to think of a pithy way to wrap this up as I must run to Target to get myself a new notebook. A brief recap will have to suffice:

Number 1 on your Household Management “To Do” list? Buy & use a household notebook.

Number 2: Remember naked trampolining is never a good idea.

 

5 Favorite Fall Fashion Finds

Unless you’re Ryan Lochte or Prince Harry – whose choices to rock minimal to no clothing actually increase their popularity – it’s best to appear in public in, well, clothes.

 

US Airways agrees. It was reported yesterday that they’re actually kicking passengers off planes for sporting too little (clothing), too much (cleavage) and/or too foul (slogans).

 

It’s a good thing US Airways wasn’t the official Olympic airline sponsor or America could’ve kissed that gold in the 400 meter goodbye. Since most of us have to wear clothes to ensure our continued popularity with friends, neighbors and US Airways, why not wear cute, and appropriate, ones?

Here are my top 5 wardrobe updates this season.

 

1-    Lands End Canvas Jacket – Women’s Alice Shrunken Blazer. So versatile. Polished, not overdone. The jean jacket for grown ups who loved Pony Boy but don’t want to look like him. $160

 

2-   Sperry Top-Sider Women’s Angelfish Shoes - Love the look in silver. Goes with a ton of different outfits. Cute and comfortable. Win-win. Price varies wildly from $76 on up. Check lots of different websites.

 

3-   Soho Shirt – Boden USA. The different jewel toned colors light up any complexion. Easy elegance. $83.

4-   Long Sleeve Tunic (dress) – Zara. Modern meets “Mad Men”. Love it. $99.

5-   Leather jacket with frill at waist – Zara.  Simple & the cut is flattering but a little bit edgy. Gives your long sleeve tunic dress a downtown vibe. $249

Wearing any of these items might not be as fun as a game of naked billiards, but they still might land your pic in a magazine. Under the caption “Momshell”. *

*This definition is for my friend Dianne who was mystified when I used the term “shout out” so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know “mom shell”. A mom shell is a combination mom/bombshell. The phrase was pioneered last week by “Us Magazine”, and it is awesome.

1 Maddening Morning

Clean the house,

Walk the dog,

Cook the chicken,

Write the blog,

Prep the class,

Tone the ass.

 This is what my morning was supposed to look like, before I had to spend 45 minutes on the phone tracking down an ophthalmologist who accepts our apparently very exotic health insurance.

 Now I am crunched for time and wondering why I have to be an adult and visit a real eye doctor for glasses when my old stand-bys have worked just fine for years.

 

6 Frequently Asked Questions

There are some random things I really love, like Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) sections and Editor’s Notes. Both make me feel like I’m getting a secret scoop, information not available to just anyone.

 I also really like bark chips but for completely different reasons. They smell good, they’re cheap, and they completely transform the look of a garden in minutes. Unlike that stupid “Yard Crashers” where, at the end of your 30 minute viewing stint, the yards still look kind of straggly because the verdant, new landscaping was planted, um, yesterday. Those shows are a complete and total waste of time. Hear that, HGTV?

For your viewing pleasure, which I realize won’t be nearly as high as mine, I present: Guru Girl Frequently Asked Questions

1.    Are your stories real?

 Yes, they are real. Sometimes I change the names of my friends in order to protect the innocent. For instance, I don’t want the reputation of my friend who is a banker besmirched by her association with free-wheeling me. Banking is a pretty conservative industry so in posts I call her by her nickname.

All of my stories are real. Sometimes they reflect my own confusion in life, as when I mistakenly thought the guy who recommended “American Ninja Warrior” was a sports trainer. Turns out he’s a banker. Good thing I didn’t call him by his real name.

2.   How can I comment?

 The anonymous comment button has been enabled. This means you guys can leave your thoughts/ideas without having to go through the rigorous process of registering… which I myself don’t know how to do.

 So far, so good. Commenters are following my family’s “keep it kind” mantra. Editor’s note: Yes, I realize this is probably because most of the commenters are actual members of my family.

Come on now, you don’t need to share my DNA in order to comment. Chime in.

3.   How do you get your ideas? Are you paid for your endorsement?

I am not paid to endorse any products. Are you crazy? What advertiser would want the kind of testimonial I offer? I’m not exactly the aspirational customer. I don’t know who this mythical creature is for many advertisers, but she is probably not frazzled, forgetful and full of public stories about her biggest screw ups.  

I write about stuff that I read about and purchase. I also shamelessly hector my friends about stuff they’re loving.  

4.   What if I have a product/movie/book recommend to share?

I’d love to hear about it. If it’s related to a daily post you could write your recommendation in under the “comment” section or you could e-mail it to me at: gurugirlguidetogreatness@gmail.com

I’d also like to add a new category: “Letters To Guru Girl”. Is there a quandary/conundrum/problem in your life that you need advice about? Zip me a note. I’ll include it on the blog, along with my most sage advice and wisdom. You don’t even need to sign it. The whole protect the innocent thing. Clearly, I’ve been watching too much “Law & Order”.   

5.   Why are you doing this?

I’m always telling my students and the Dynamic Duo that you’ve got to try new things. Mix it up. Do what you love. This blog is me at my role-modeling best. Frightening, isn’t it?  

6.   Your blog is great. How can I help grow your audience?

Full disclosure: This question is from my dad, who – bless his heart –

 e-mailed all the guys in his address book the link to my blog on the day that I wrote about nipple shields. You’ll notice the nipple shield post is no longer on the blog. I took it down. Because I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack. And I love my dad more than I love this blog.

But it’s true that I really appreciate the support you all have shown by reading this blog on a regular basis, and I really appreciate the folks who’ve asked how they can share posts with an even bigger pool. I know not everyone loves social media, but if you’re a big Facebook user & you felt so moved, here’s what would be awesome. 

Let’s say you really liked my post about Neutrogena sunscreen. On the lower-left side of the screen there’s the “F” Facebook icon. Click on that, and it will zip you to your Facebook page. You can link this post to your Facebook page so it will appear on your wall. It will let you write a few lines too. If you wrote something like “My friend just started a blog. Her post about sunscreen describes my mornings exactly!” that would be most helpful. Because then maybe your friends would check it out. This happens a few times, and pretty soon we got ourselves a grassroots movement.

 

Again, no pressure to do this unless you’re my fella who gets relentlessly quizzed about this before getting into bed at night. I myself am recently back on Facebook after taking a 4 year hiatus due to completely undisciplined use. So I understand being hesitant about social media. What you shouldn’t be hesitant about is checking out this blog. I try to post 4 or 5 times a week so keep coming back!

Thanks for reading!

This is me being thankful that you're reading and also a little bit scared that the 9 year old is going to drop the camera.

 

5 Fantastic Finds For Newborns

 You get more care & feeding tips for your weekend at home with the pre-school guinea pig than you get when bundled out of the hospital with your new baby. Following are some of my friend Jamie’s tips. I seem to have blanked out this phase in my memory… which means that even if you think you’re doing poorly, you’re doing better than me and my fella did. And we did it twice. 

-       Summer video monitor. Spring for the one that is audio & video (Available at walmart.com for around $130). That way you’ll be able to see if there really is an emergency in the nursery that you need to vault up the stairs to cover or if your baby is just playing with you.

-       Mylicon Gas Relief Drops. Truly effective or placebo effect? Who knows? Who cares? They seem to help. Buy lots. Administer regularly.

-       Bob. A full size body pillow typically purchased during pregnancy. I named mine Bob. I slept with him for years after the children were infants. He made those rare moments of shut-eye positively blissful.

-       Kirkland brand baby wipes from Costco. How impressive is the first diaper blow out? It inevitably happens on Day 4 when you’ve spent 40 minutes getting your baby ready to go somewhere. You finally load her up in the car seat. There’s a rumbling, and it’s like a geyser at Yellowstone Park. How is it possible for, ahem, matter to shoot all the way up a baby’s back?!  You can get these wipes by the caseload at Costco. That’s good because you’re going to need them.

-       Bag balm. As La Mer moisturizer is to celebrities, this stuff is to babies, toddlers and everyone else in your family. A mega moisturizer for a mini price.

Do you have other product recommends? Write them in under the “comments” section, and I’ll share them in future posts. Stay tuned next week for Jamie’s toddler recommends.

The sole piece of advice I actually remember from the infancy phase came from my friend Lisa who has a Rule Of Three: It gets easier after the first 3 days, a lot easier after the first 3 weeks and a ton easier after the first 3 months. This is good stuff you’re doing here. You know, raising a human being and all. Good stuff is hard at first. It gets easier. In a way that caring for that damn classroom guinea pig never does.

"Baby Loves Disco": One Experience

Baby Loves Disco (BLD) is coming to town in September. For those of you not in the know, BLD is a dance party that travels the country and visits your favorite nightclub. It’s aimed at toddler parents who still like to get their groove on. There’s Donna Summer, fog machines, Bee Gees and babies – lots of babies – because this dance party happens at 12 noon, not 12 midnight.

 9 years ago Guru Girl went to a BLD party. I was riding the high of cold medicine and 10 sleepless months with a baby who didn’t love disco, sleeping, breast feeding or -- often it seemed -- me, her very own mother. But I was going to have a good time and reclaim a vestige of my former fun self if it killed me.

I didn’t so much boogie that afternoon as stagger. I looked like one of Michael Jackson’s graveyard zombies, even when “Thriller” wasn’t blaring over the speakers.

It was a terrible afternoon.

It felt wrong to be in a bar with a baby. It felt wrong not to be giving my fella come-hither looks, instead of the baleful glares I was giving him because he couldn’t smell our baby’s ripe diaper. It felt wrong to be pretending to be the kind of person who can blithely juggle clubbing and parenting.

Because I wasn’t that kind of person. And that’s okay. When you’re a new parent it’s not that you’ll never whoop it up at a bar again or dance until your feet hurt. It’s that parenthood brings enormous schedule changes that make these pursuits foolish at first. Not forever.

It’s the wise parent who accepts this. The new gig is a blessing and a ball buster, in equal parts those first few years. Read tomorrow’s post for my friend Jamie’s advice on items that will make parenting such a breeze that you’ll definitely have the energy to go clubbing for real – without babies and wet wipes – before your little snuggler turns 18.

There's even better news: our once disco-hating, fretful baby now loves disco, dancing, sleeping and me. It really was just a phase. Don’t you hate it when your mother’s right?

Top 20 Titles

... To Keep Your Nightstand Happy

The Gods were smiling on me yesterday. Not only did the newly moved Big, Green Egg not set fire to the house, I was able to find the only bookstore in my hopping, metropolitan burg that had the title I was lusting after in stock. So I am now the happy owner of Where’d You Go, Bernadette (by Maria Semple), as well as a Colonial that has only a lightly seared back deck. Let the good times roll. (Bernadette book available on amazon.com for around $15.)

This book is tremendous. I stayed up late reading about the trials and travails of Bernadette, a quirky wife and mother in Seattle. It’s fictional and very funny. You’ve gotta get it. But let’s say your hopping, metropolitan burg is all out of stock. There are lots of other titles you could peruse while you wait. (This part of the post assumes that, like me, you are a technological dinosaur who really, really likes reading books on actual paper.)

Following is a list of some great reads. I compiled it while racing around the bookstore chasing the Dynamic Duo, so it mostly only goes through authors whose last names start with “J”. The exception is if the book was on one of the end caps or truly stands out in my frazzled brain.

 I’m a big reader. I have to be if there’s any hope of achieving cosmic balance for my trashy magazine & reality t.v. habit. I really like basically any book by Barbara Kingsolver, Ann Patchett, David Sedaris (except the last one) and Malcolm Gladwell. Here are some other titles that I liked:

-       A Prayer For Owen Meany, by Irving *

-       Life Of Pi, by Martel *

-       Little Bee, by Cleave *

-       Me Talk Pretty One Day, by Sedaris *

-       Middlesex, by Eugenides

-       Bel Canto, by Patchett *

-       State Of Wonder, by Patchett

-       The Poisonwood Bible, by Kingsolver

-       Cutting For Stone, by Verghese

-       An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood, by Lewis *

-       History Of Love, by Krauss

-       The Piano Teacher, by Lee

-       The Tiger’s Wife, by Obreht

-       The Weird Sisters, by Brown

-       What Is The What, by Eggers *

-       Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, by Safran Foer *

-       One Thousand White Women, by Fergus

-       The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society, by Shaffer

-       The Girl Who Fell From The Sky, by Durrow

-       Still Alice, by Genova

 The asterick * denotes books that would also be good reads for your fella. There are not as many of these. That’s because your guy should be spending his leisure time figuring out best placement for the Big, Green Egg to ensure no neighbor complaints or impromptu house fires.