Lance Armstrong & Think Thin Bars

Every athlete needs a weapon in their arsenal. For Lance Armstrong, it’s a pinch of that HGH that allows his superhuman performance on the racetrack. Editor’s note: Allegedly. For us modern gals, seeking to excel on the racetrack of life, ‘roids might not be the answer. Soccer moms and ‘roid rage? Not a good combo.

What is a good combination? Soccer moms and “Think Thin” protein bars. These bad boys are my secret weapon. I stash them all over the place -- my purse, my car, my briefcase -- so when hunger hits, I’m ready.

 

They’re a lot of calories -- 240 per bar -- but a lot of protein too (20g), so they fill you up. And the peanut butter kind is downright delicious. The nutty flavor masks all the healthy stuff that makes a protein bar’s taste nosedive… which results in the bar itself taking a nosedive… to the bottom of my purse…. where it mixes -- for weeks -- with other purse castaways (pennies, lotion, jelly beans, spilled lip gloss) to become the kind of science experiment that thrills our 9 year old.

Purse as science experiment. Almost as bad an idea as moms on the juice. So save yourself the ordeal (of the purse experiment, not the HGH ingestion, which I also wouldn’t recommend), and buy the protein bar that’s actually good for you and good-tasting.

You’ll power through your day just like Lance, only without the illegal substance abuse and caddish treatment of romantic partners. Allegedly.  (Available on amazon.com; around $15 for a box of 10. Also available at your local Whole Foods for around the same price.)

Reading Recommends: Why The Great Ones Suck

Someday I’m going to get my book club to do a book study. The theme is going to be “Artistic Bastards Of The Early 20^th Century”. Hopefully, it will go better than the classes I teach at the community college, meaning less texting, twitching and weirdo excuses. You didn’t read the assigned chapter in Anna Karenina because you were on the suicide hotline talking a real-life Anna Karenina off the ledge for 12 hours last night? This is an actual excuse that a student gave me a few months ago.

What does one say to such an excuse?

           “Bravo?”

 “Extra credit for everyone?”

 “12 hours? You don’t think you could have talked her down in 6 and still gotten the assignment done?”

But I digress, and honestly I’m positive that excuse was completely fictional, or I would not be making light of it. That student should have written the literature we were studying in class, not just read it. Neither of which he did… because his work on the hotline was so demanding.

The books behind my future book study are both fictional but based on real people and real facts. The first is The Paris Wife, which is about the life that iconic writer Ernest Hemmingway shared with his first wife, Hadley.

The other book is Loving Frank, which is about the love affair between architectural genius Frank Lloyd Wright and his racy and forward thinking lover, Mamah.

Both books are terrific --  fast and easy reads that will nonetheless spark questions in your racy, forward thinking brain.

Here are the questions we will cover in my book study:

- Do artistic geniuses get a pass for poor behavior?

- Is this a fair exchange?

- They create something of beauty, an artistic legacy that enriches the lives of people across the world and across generations. Does that make up for the lives the artist destroys in pursuit of his art, through the selfish, egotistical, downright mean-spirited choices he makes?

- Do poor behavior choices affect only the artist’s partner? Is the fall out limited and thus justified?

- Or do the choices become patterns that ricochet down the generations, the fallout spreading like radiation?  

These are deep questions I realize. You’re probably wondering, what did you eat for breakfast this morning, guru girl?  When I read these books my main take away was: What giant tools those guys were. Why do we revere them?

They were boys mascarading as men. Sort of like my 19 year old, non-literature loving student. Only unlike my student, whose tall tales made me smile, the stories Ernest and Frank made up actually hurt people. It’s not a good way to live life, but it makes for a heckuva good page-turner. (Both books are available on amazon.com for around $10 each.)

Cutest Clothes Ever: zara.com

** Now Online!**

Kate Middleton and guru girl have a lot in common. We both love nude pumps, Prince William and the clothing store Zara. Kate might be a bit more familiar with all 3 of these items than I am, but I’m in the game.

And Zara has just made it a bit easier by offering a website and their fashions online. (Welcome to the 21^st century, Zara.) Can you hear the angels singing? They are. About maxi dresses and skinny jeans. But not just any maxi dresses and skinny jeans. Sublimely cut maxi dresses and skinny jeans. Fitted yet appropriate. Befitting a Princess of England or a harried mother of two who goes for classic yet trendy looks, as long as they don’t involve harem pants or basically anything Kim Kardashian wears.

The best part about it is that Zara stuff doesn’t break the bank. It’s really cute and really affordable. And it doesn’t disintegrate at the dry cleaner after a visit or two. You can walk out of the store with a veritable bag full of goodies for less than $200.

I visited Zara a few weeks ago with my friend Ashley, who is positively allergic to shopping. Okay, by “visited” I mean “dragged her, refusing to take no for an answer”. Even Ashley left the store with a few items and a vow to return with her mother the following week!

So the next time you want to channel your inner Princess-of-England? Dial up “zara.com” on your laptop and figure out which frock will most delight your own hunky consort.

Vacation Fun: Wish You Were Here

What To Expect When You’re Expecting doesn’t begin to cover real parenting quandaries, like today’s issue: When on a family vacation, how do you handle it when your 9 year old charges that her great-grandfather murdered her fish?

The fishing trip that was supposed to build a great family memory went very awry when Great Grandpa ignored the 9 year old’s “catch and release” approach to fishing. Great Grandpa’s approach is more along the lines of “catch and kill”… which is what he did… to the fish the 9 year old caught… when he bludgeoned it with a can opener… and then fried it up for lunch.

Neither party is talking to the other. Neither one can see the other’s side. It’s like the nuclear arms showdown with Iran, only the fundamentalist nut job in this scenario is my 93 year old grandfather.

So while you might have gotten a vacation postcard from me that said what a wonderful time we’re having, that was sent yesterday.

Bull Wrestling & Sunscreen

Bull wrestling looks hard. I admire the cowboys who do it at 4^th of July rodeos across our nation. But cowboys have got nothing on mothers. I’ve wrestled the equivalent of an ornery bull every day for pretty much the last 30 days. It’s called “putting sunscreen on a 6 year old”. Where’s the clapping for me? The medals? The adulation from the crowd?

          There is none of that. So if you’re not going to earn extra points for the human equivalent of an extra-mad bull who tries to gore you on the fence, why not make it easier on yourself?

Neutrogena Wet Skin Sunblock makes the whole process as painless as possible. It’s designed to go on wet or dry skin so when you slather it on your kiddo it covers large amounts of skin quickly. It’s not thick like glue or greasy like bacon. It covers your thrashing bull so quickly that even if you’re able to grab hold of just one leg or arm, you’ll still get the job done. Which means you’ve had better luck than that cowboy who got the tenuous grip on that brute named Tombstone.

Cowgirl up and get your sunscreen on! The Neutrogena Wet Skin Sunblock Lotion SPF 45 costs around $9.50 & their Wet Skin Kids Sunblock Spray SPF 70 costs around $10.50.(Available at target.com.)

Music Review: Metal & Bluegrass

Usually tributes are the worst. All of those song tributes to Whitney Houston? Bad. And the tributes to Michael Jackson? Worse. That poor man got an entire tribute concert, complete with a holographic image that made it look like he’d breakdanced his way back from the dead. That is just plain wrong.

But I’ve finally found a musical tribute that is just plain right. Even better than the original, and the points you score with your fella when you buy it for him? Higher than Tiger Woods’ score card at the Augusta. The CD is called “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica”, and it’s a “must have” for your favorite head-banger.

Instead of all raging and distorted like the originals, the plucky banjo action lets the actual words come through. And when you catch your favorite fella playing air guitar to it -- the kind of blissed out look on his face that you usually see only when he’s off to take a weekend nap -- you’ll know it was a good choice.

“Master of Puppets” you’re not, but “Mistress of Sweet Music”? Add that to your business card. (Available on Amazon for around $15.)

Help Wanted: Videographer

Help Wanted: Camera man (or woman) with steady hand and ability to work small town parade during holiday weekend. Must also be able to ride backwards on a flatbed truck, while filming and not getting sick. Grounds for dismissal? Guffawing of any kind.

I’ve been dismissed from my official role in the 4^th of July parade that the Dynamic Duo are entering in a few days. I am a videographer no longer. All because I laughed during practice. Confession: laughed pretty hard, several times.

The Dynamic Duo are going for a “patriot party” vibe with their float. What’s more patriotic than presidents getting their club on? Not a whole lot. Wish us luck! Check out the practice session below with Washington and Lincoln showing their moves.