The Secret To A Gorgeous Garden In Under 30 Minutes

“I refuse to dead head,” says my friend Becky. This is a sound policy and one I wish I’d adopted back in high school. I was never a Dead Head myself. My love affair with makeup and hair products precluded that, but I did date a few fellas who could accurately be described as such. 

I learned the hard way that the Dead Head from afar is lots more romantic than the Dead Head up close. If one prefers the scent of, say, soap to patchouli. This sentiment (dead head = bad news) can be applied to gardening as well... which is what Becky means when she says she won’t dead head.

Flower maintenance is so much less fun than flower planting. But beautiful blossoms in your garden are such a day brightener. What’s a dead-head-refusing-but-blossom-loving girl to do?

Plant impatiens of course, says Becky. They give you bountiful flowering beauty without the bountiful back ache from having to dead head the darn things.

Becky says plant a whole passel of them in one color and watch your yard light up like a Dead Head at a concert. Well, not like that exactly. Your yard will light up with color and beauty, not weed and LSD.

Full disclosure: actually the only part of this that Becky said is the first part, “Plant impatiens”. The rest is just guru girl editorializing. Am stopping now and zipping over to Home Depot to get me some impatiens and maybe a hot dog for lunch!  

A Fashionable Apology

 

Sometimes guru girl is as misguided as some of Kim Kardashian’s outfit choices. Apparently last week’s “What Not To Wear” post was one of these times. Because holy cow did I hear about it from many of you.

 

So, in the spirit of embracing the constructive criticism offered to me -- and by this I mean, shouted at me by various friends --  I offer a mea culpa for some of my recommendations.

Reader Complaint #1: Guru Girl said you should buy 4 “go to” outfits this summer instead of 8.

4 outfits is far too few, according to many of you.

What about women with professional jobs where they can’t sport cargo pants?

What about women who like to shop and are good at finding bargains?

These are good points that I hadn’t considered.

You, dear readers, are correct: relying on just 4 outfits a season is crazy, unless you’re one of those Civil War re-enactors who live like it’s 1862. And even those nut jobs only do this on the weekends.

 

Go ahead and live like it’s 2013, a time when most of us have dozens of outfits. Not 4. But make sure that at least 4 of your “in rotation” outfits are fabulous and not comprised solely of items from Target, which brings me to…

Reader Complaint #2: Guru Girl said you should never buy clothes from Target. Ever.

It’s true. I said this. Many of you cried foul. Target is a stellar place for kid clothes, workout clothes, t-shirts and jeans, you said. It is the only place many multitasking moms really can shop for clothes because taking a toddler to a chic boutique is a recipe for a migraine, not a cute maxi-dress.

Additionally, these friends swear to me the aforementioned items don’t shrink up faster than shrinky dinks in the oven. If this is true, Target is a totally valid option for all of the above.

I stand corrected. I must’ve been drinking the High Fashion Kool Aid when making that first recommendation. 

I do, however, stand by my initial recommendation that giant florals are a train wreck. On everyone. And matching gloves?

Even worse. Like some of the advice guru girl gives. Meant well but totally off-the-mark. Take it with a grain of salt. Or maybe a lot of grains, around the rim of a margarita!

Happy Memorial Day, guru girls & guys!

Why Mariah Should Have Bought The Bra Disc (And You Should Too)

You’ve gotta love wardrobe malfunctions when they happen live on morning television. This very thing just occurred to Mariah Carey during her singing appearance on “Good Morning America”. Hitting those high notes comes with a cost, and the cost for Ms. Carey this morning was her back zipper, which popped right open.

 

This wouldn’t be a big deal except when a zipper on a gal’s strapless dress pops open, her girls tend to pop out. Which explains why Mariah was clutching her dress and appealing to her roadies and GMA host Laura Spencer for help.

Laura Spencer was clueless. That girl may know her way around a flea market, but she does not know her way around a wardrobe malfunction. Laura held up a large, manila folder in order to shield Mariah from the camera.  

 

A manila folder? Really? For the biggest selling artist since Elvis Presley? I am reminded of a phrase that is a favorite of my friend Paul, who is a longtime teacher. Paul is a planning maniac who likes to say, “Proper prior planning prevents *iss *oor performance.”

 

This is harsh but true. GMA should have planned better. Along with some throat lozenges they should have given Mariah a nice pair of bra liners. These are also known as nipple covers, but I shy away from using that phrase because I wrote about them once before, and it upset my dad so much I had to take the post down.

 

But my dad’s on a business trip this week and too busy to read “guru girl” so I think I’m safe in writing about nipple covers – ahem, bra liners -- today.

Regular gals can benefit from these too. Maybe you’re not headlining the GMA stage this summer but chances are you’ll be sporting a tank top some time. If your tank-top-wearing self goes anywhere near extreme air conditioning, you’re gonna have yourself a situation.

 

The only place we want to see headlights is the highway. Get yourself some bra liners so this doesn’t happen. Or arm yourself with a Laura Spencer approved large, manila folder.  (Bra liners are available for a song -- hear that Mariah Carey? -- at most Hobby Lobby stores and also online.(Bra disc nipple covers available on amazon for around $18. Click this link for further information.))

Happy summer, guru girls!

Jazz Age Jerks: A Review Of "Z" & "The Great Gatsby" Film

We’ve got some dueling divas over at Fox these days. Apparently, when J. Lo performed on “American Idol” this week, she earned a standing ovation from everyone. However, judge Mariah Carey – get ready for it – remained seated, with a plastered-on fake smile. Possibly Miss Carey was just plastered and thus unable to stand, I wonder?

 

But the gossip columnists say no. We’ve got ourselves a feud.

 

J. Lo and Mariah aren’t the only celebrity feuders out there. It was reported recently that Madonna also iced Gwyneth out at a celebrity event, this chilly reception based on their long-standing feud.

 

At least Gwyneth and Madonna were only one-time BFFs and not married to each other. It would be terrible to be on a public stage, feuding with one’s spouse. This is exactly what happened to some of America’s first celebrities, F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda.

 

F. Scott Fitzgerald may be one of America’s most beloved novelists (The Great Gatsby, anyone?) but he kind of phoned it in as a husband. This was also Zelda’s approach as a wife. Apparently, all their champagne swilling and fountain dancing made them the toast of socialite society back in the day, but it didn’t exactly endear them to each other.

 

I just finished Z: A Novel Of Zelda Fitzgerald, the book that imagines what Scott and Zelda’s marriage was really like. According to this novel, it wasn’t good. It’s widely believed that Fitzgerald based his most self involved, snootiest characters (see Daisy Buchanan) on Zelda, his own wife.

 

Z attempts to tell Zelda’s side of the story. I wanted to sympathize with Zelda. A phoning- it-in husband who’s drunk all the time would be annoying. But here’s the thing: Zelda was doing the exact same thing. And she was really jealous of her husband’s success because she also wanted to be a famous artist. So Zelda started feuding with him, with everything a good feud entails: brawls, tears, accusations, recriminations. Basically, the only thing missing was a good yank on a hair weave. But only because in 1920 weaves hadn’t been invented yet.

 

The novel was supposed to make me think Zelda was not spoiled and that her husband had done her a disservice by characterizing her as such. But the book had the opposite effect on me.

Zelda was a twit. So was her husband. They were as silly and superficial as “The Great Gatsby”, the movie Baz Luhrmann just made about their alter egos.

 

There’s no heart to the book or movie. Maybe that’s the point. These people, in this world, at this point in time, also had no heart, and that’s what doomed them.

 

But this approach also dooms the entertainment about them. Because as the audience we’re bored. If the characters can’t be bothered to care about each other, why should we?

 

For true yearning and passion check out “American Idol” instead. The judges may not have these emotions, but the contestants sure do, although the object of their desire seems to be celebrity. And if F. Scott and Zelda have shown us nothing else: fame doesn’t equal fulfillment.

2 Reasons To Hate Magazines

I just finished one of my relaxing “kick back with a magazine” sessions, and I now feel totally and utterly not relaxed.

It seems magazine editors are now just making up work for us to do. I read one article that says you’ve gotta grill your donuts and make a strawberry chive dip for them too. Only then will your barbeque be the best it can be.

Seriously?!

 

Donuts are one of the few foods that are best in their natural, unaltered state because they’re, um, donuts. Like my friend Tara who’s eating clean these days, I am too. I would never corrupt my donuts’ natural deliciousness by grilling them.

Another magazine editor named Martha Stewart is creating work for me too. This month Martha’s magazine urged me to renew my commitment to my dog.

Yes, really.

It’s not enough to have quality, one-on-one time with each kid, my fella and my best girlfriend. Now I’m supposed to have it with my dog too. The “Martha” columnist said I should make a list of things the dog likes to eat and do.

 

The first list is easy. What does Stanley like to eat? Just put down “everything” says the 10 year old. I wonder if the list should include grilled donuts? I’d better stop typing and start grilling so I can find out. Thanks, magazine editors, for helping me figure out how to spend my Saturday!

5 Fashion Don'ts We All Do

Is this a "do" or "don't"? Read on to see...

1.      Do not buy clothes at Target or H&M. The clothing item will look good precisely once. As soon as you launder it, it will shrink to midget-like proportions. Try to imagine this look on the mannequin at the front of the store instead of the ironed, sparkling vision they present.

 

2.    Do not aim to have 8 really cute outfits in your wardrobe each season. Aim to have 4. But spend the same amount of money on the 4 that you would have on the 8. Think about it. There are really about 4 “go to” outfits that you wear again and again, right?

 

Make them “4 & Fabulous” by buying higher quality. This is one spending formula worth remembering.  Kind of like how to calculate 20% tip. Tip calculation is easy… whatever amount an item costs, chop the last zero off (so $100 becomes $10), and then double that number (so the $10 becomes $20) and you’re all set. Just like you will be when you have 4 great outfits, not 8 ho-hum ones.

3.    Do not blindly embrace trends just because the magazines say they’re great. Case in point: crop tops. They look good only on Victoria Secret models. There are 20 of these in the whole world (Victoria Secret models, not boxy crop tops). If VS doesn’t top your resume, don’t let this funky fashion top your body.

 

4.    Do not accept cast off items from your mother, aunt or sister. These items are almost always a little odd. Your female relative means well, but you’ve gotta shut it down. If you absolutely can’t bear to disappoint, take the item and put it in your car in a bag designated for Goodwill.

 Do not let this item into your closet. It will remain there, at best taking up precious closet space and at worst, in a moment of weakness, you might be tempted to put it on. Drop the item off at Goodwill as soon as you can. Better yet, make your mother/aunt/sister take her own stuff to Goodwill.

5.     Do not embrace the crazy pattern. Crazy patterns are, well, crazy. I am a lover of 60s, graphic prints. I am a fan of the delightfully oversize blooms on every shirt shown in the “Boden” catalogue. I should not be. Because these patterns just aren’t flattering.

 

Clothes with loud patterns wear you, and the fashion rule is: You wear the clothes. Not vice versa. So put down the wild, floral top. Pick up the one in the solid color most flattering to you. If you don’t believe me, snap a picture of yourself in a floral top and then another pic in a solid colored top. Which one do you look hotter in? Pictures don’t lie. Unless photoshopping and celebrities are involved.  

 

These are transgressions we all commit. But with knowledge comes power. I sound a little martial-artsy here. Know your fashion weaknesses. Destroy them. Like the fashion ninja you are.   

How 'bout this one? "Do" or "don't"?

Images via zara.com... one of which I like a whole lot...

 

How To Get High Style, For Less: "Get This" App

Some women just have style. It’s not in the amount they spend on clothes or where they purchase them. It’s how they put them together and wear them. If you know one of these women in real life and are bold and inquisitive like guru girl you can question them. As I do.

 

Personally, when such questions are directed at me, I find them flattering, not rudely invasive. In fact, there has only been one time when I’ve turned down a “share the source” inquiry.

 

And it wasn’t a friend asking me where I’d scored that fabulous sweater. It was a gal who asked if I’d consider donating an egg to a friend of a friend of a friend who was ready to embark on parenthood.

 

I was taken aback but ultimately flattered by the inquiry. Because it made me feel like I was the owner of a very in-demand item, like a Birkin bag.

So I never have a problem asking someone where she likes to shop. It’s when the gal tells me her favorite stores and they turn out to be my favorite stores too, this is when the problem occurs. This happened recently when my newish friend Ann confided that she often shops the Anthropologie sales rack.

 

So do I.

 

However, my sales rack outfit results look nothing like Ann’s outfit results. Ann’s outfits make her look bohemian and carefree and French. My outfits make me look like the bohemian, carefree, French woman’s maid who pilfered random items from a stylish closet on the sly.

So I was excited to read about a new app that lets you pilfer someone else’s style in a way that’s totally legit. It’s called “Get This”, and it’s a free app that allows you to buy clothes that your favorite television stars are wearing on the television, at this moment, right in front of you.

 

You can buy the exact outfit combinations. With the click of a button or two! The site connects you to the exact labels Miss T.V. Star is wearing. And if these are too spendy, it also gives you all the info for how to get the same look for less, i.e. more affordable options.

 

The bad news is there are only 2 shows right now that are linked to this app. Those are “Scandal”, which stars Kerry Washington as a powerful politico, and “The Carrie Diaries”, which stars a bunch of stylish teeny boppers. The outfits favored by powerful politicos and trendy teens aren’t really the ones I’m after myself, so I’m not incredibly psyched about this app.

 

Yet.

 

But I’m probably gonna be in July, which is when “Get This” is going to add a bunch of new shows to the roster. And then, don’t bother calling me during primetime. I’ll be too busy viewing and shopping and viewing and shopping. I will not be answering the calls of my friends. But I will be answering the call of fashion!(Click this link to go to "Get This" for more information.)

4 Mother's Day Gotta Get Gifts

Over the weekend Mariah Carey and Nick Canon renewed their vows in a lavish ceremony at Disneyland. Nick dressed as a Prince, Mariah as a Princess as they celebrated their 5 years of wedded bliss at the Disneyland castle.

Clearly, not all women are alike in how they wish to celebrate milestones. I would rather be dragged by wild horses through Disneyland before I would have a vow renewal ceremony in Disneyland. Or anywhere else for that matter. Because vow renewal ceremonies are ridiculous.

But to each his own, I guess. Then, it occurred to me that just because I loathe breakfast in bed, that doesn’t mean all moms do.

So in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, I offer some other points of view about “gotta get” items for Mother’s Day. (These ideas were gotten from my fellow 1^st grade soccer moms whom I badgered mercilessly at practice this week.)

Mother’s Day “Gotta Get” Gifts:

1.      A meal at a restaurant. It turns out all mothers DO hate breakfast in bed. It’s not just me. Many reasons were offered:

-  it’s dirty

-  the cooks are enthusiastic, but not necessarily good

- the kitchen looks like Chernobyl as a result. And guess who gets to clean up Kitchen Chernobyl? She-Whose-Day-It-Is.

Give us a break and take us out for breakfast or lunch or dinner. You choose. We’re not picky. Except about crumbs in our sheets.

2.     Flowers. From the grocery store. We were unanimous in this. We all have fancy vases we foolishly registered for at our weddings.

We like to use these fancy vases to house the really pretty, really simple bouquets you get us at Safeway. I personally like tulips a whole lot more than roses. Ask the mom in your life what she prefers, then get a whole bunch of them. All in one color.

Go a step further and plop the flowers into the fancy vase yourself. Fill it with water and a pinch of sugar first (this will make the blooms last longer). And remember to thank me when Mom thanks you with a big, old smackeroo.

3.    A half-day family activity. We were unanimous in this too. We all want to spend a good chunk of the day with our tribe (this would be you guys, our husbands and kids). Favored activities range from hiking to bowling to bike riding. Again, we’re not picky, as long as it’s just half the day. Because we want to spend the other half on …

4.    A half-day solo activity. We want the freedom to choose which activity and plan it too. But we want the kitchen pass, happily given, so we can go A) have coffee with a girlfriend B) take a nap C) get a massage and manicure/pedicure or D) all of the above.

And we’re even happier if -- in addition to this kitchen pass -- our fellas offer the assurance that the offspring will be cared for in a manner up to our standards. Or as my friend S put it. “I just want none of my children to get hurt.” Yes, let’s not cap off this day of celebration with an evening trip to the ER.

These items are all most of us want. But there are some overachievers among you.  You, sirs, are saying in your head,” But guru girl, of course I will shower my wife with all of the above. I want to give her even more.” 

For you, I go a step further. These items are more suited to individual tastes, but I bet would be heartily welcomed by most any mother.

5.     A coffee table book. Because what’s better than a book that’s stately, elegant and pristine? A home that’s all of the above. A girl can dream, can’t she? And coffee table books help her do so.

6.    A Keurig coffee maker. Because what’s better than a whole lotta caffeine in the morning? A gadget that speedily makes a whole lotta caffeine in the morning, in a cool pod!

7.      A necklace with a charm of each kid’s initial. These are great because they’re inexpensive, thoughtful and easily found at Swoozie’s, a gift shop with storefronts in most metropolitan areas and at some airports. The silver trinket letter necklace retails for around $30. You can also get one online at etsy. (Click this link to visit the etsy studio with an initial necklace for around $30.)

Let’s say everything goes off the rails this Mother’s Day and you’re able to provide none of the above. As long as the day includes some  hand-drawn cards, heartfelt bear hugs and declarations of everlasting love – accompanied by an agreement not to argue with one’s siblings for a full 24 hours – most moms I know would consider the day a rousing success.

Happy upcoming Mother’s Day guru girls (& the guys who love them)!

What Not To Get Your Mother

What I Don’t Want For Mother’s Day

 

1.      Breakfast in bed.

 It’s messy. It consists of really fattening stuff. It happens early. The trifecta of bad.

2.    Bubble bath. Hello, urinary tract infection?

3.    Perfume. Because small children have the same taste in perfume as they do in gum. Want to smell like a walking stick of sickly sweet Juicy Fruit? Request perfume for Mother’s Day.  

4.    Lotion. Unless the family’s also arranged for a guest appearance by Gunner or Deacon to apply the lotion to me, this item suffers from the same rep as fruit baskets: Not. Very. Fun.

 

5.     Candles. Unless they are handcrafted and unintentionally very, very funny, like this one that the 10 year old made last year.

 

Wow. This list sounds kind of snarky. That’s probably because it is.

Let’s be clear: I love the handmade gifts I’ve gotten for Mother’s Day over the years (especially the candle above). I love the thought and care my kids and fella put into store-bought gifts too. But I could love the store-bought gifts so much more if they never consisted of candles, lotion, perfume or bubble bath.

Tune in for my next post about the non-budget-busting Mother’s Day gifts moms really want, like the hand-drawn picture of the family pictured above.

 

Why "The Mindy Project" Kicks Downton Abbey's A-Money-Money

I have a girl crush. And it is even bigger than the ones I also currently have on Deacon and Gunner. Which is saying a lot. Because I purely love those “Nashville” boys. But my crush on this girl -- whose name is Mindy Kaling -- is even bigger and better. Because it’s not based one bit on pectorals or smoldering gazes. Nope. My Mindy crush is entirely platonic, based on her quick wit, funny writing and way with delivering a punch line.  

 

You might know Mindy from the bit part she played on “The Office”. She played Kelly, the ditzy, Indian gal whose romantic pursuits might have inspired a chuckle or two. Clearly, her “Office” days were just a warm up. Mindy is now writing, directing and starring in her very own television show called “The Mindy Project”. If “The Office” was Mindy’s warm up, “The Mindy Project” is her triathalon. And she is killing it.

 

The episode that aired this week did, in fact, focus on Mindy and her coworkers as they competed in a triathalon. Their triathalon experience wasn’t good but the show about it sure was.

 

This half-hour comedy is mostly about Mindy, a doctor in a very dysfunctional doctor’s office. Mindy has a license to practice medicine but she hasn’t given up her girl license either, a credential that entitles her to complain to friends about boy problems, have the boy problems and also shop sample sales in order to get her mind off the boy problems. Throw in some fighting with her cute co-workers, some wacky scenarios, and we have ourselves a show. One where the writing is funny and sly, and we love all the characters after just one viewing!

 

The show reminds me of the memoir that Mindy just published (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me And Other Concerns) . This book is one of the world’s quickest and funniest reads. In it Mindy details how she conquered Hollywood. But more than that, it’s full of the kind of quirky personal details that you usually only see in “Teen Beat” magazine articles about boy banders. Also, almost all of these quirky, personal details make it into Mindy’s show too.

 

 I am a sucker for this sort of self-referential stuff. It makes me feel “in the know” about Hollywood, which is awesome, since typically the only things I am “in the know” about are a lot less glamorous.

Need to know how to work the photocopier at my college?

I’m your girl.

Wondering how to potty train a reluctant 3 year old?

Ditto.

 So my Mindy crush is giving me some street cred in the “things the other 99% of America cares about” department. You might not be similar to me in this respect, but I bet like me, you’d also like a laugh or two or ten on a Tuesday night. If so, surf on over to FOX and catch “The Mindy Project” or download her book.

Happy viewing, guru girls & guys! (Click this link to go to amazon.com to read more about Mindy's book.)