3 Useless Gifts & Why They Bug Me

I never read the magazine articles entitled “How To Save Your Own Life” or “Must Know Survival Skills”. February must be survivalist month because there are dozens of these articles on newstands right now.

I can’t summarize them for you because I never read them.

Survivalist stuff is depressing (and requires far more room in one’s purse for survivalist gear than anyone has).

So I regularly bypass these articles in favor of more inspiring fare… which, this month, I did not find.

Because apparently February is also the month for editors to promote utterly useless junk, stuff so impractical that it doesn’t just depress me, it enrages me.

Exhibit A: If you live in New York City you can go to espionage school where students learn how to be better business leaders.

They learn through exercises like “how to weave toilet paper into a rope strong enough to rappel out a window”. I am not kidding. This espionage school was written up in an airline magazine. Not “The Onion”.

Exhibit B: Hipster dogs – and their bowties – are out. I read this gem on a “what’s in/what’s out list”. 

So no more pics of Fido in hipster gear. Instead, the magazine says to show off your pup “in comfy leather collars that soften over time”. The article also advises me to buy my dog “well made knits that he’ll love for years to come”.

Huh.

No dog is going to love a well made knit for years to come. The only thing my dog is going to love for years to come is a nice, meaty bone and possibly me. And the only reason I make the list is because I’m the one who provides the nice, meaty bone.

Exhibit C: The fish apartment from Umbra (see above).

Because the rental market is hot these days. 

For everyone. 

Including your beta.

The fish apartment looks cool, but it’s small, and there is no filter. That means your fish is going to first smell then die. These are definite disadvantages.

Initially, I liked the idea of giving this apartment -- with a Beta fish occupant -- as a gift. How cute would it be to include a note that says something like, “Hope your birthday goes swimmingly”?

But the cute factor does not outweigh the cruelty factor so, upon further review, the fish apartment goes in the “useless junk that enrages me” category.

It’s a good thing March is almost here so magazines can redeem themselves. 

In the meantime, instead of shopping I shall occupy myself with home improvement. Look for pics to come soon for more color-coded bookshelves (I know, I have a problem) and – bonus! – my fella’s redecorated office. 

Happy end-of-this-deplorable-shopping-month, guru girls & guys!

Double Your Money With Smart Piggy Bank*

Double Your Money With Smart Piggy Bank*

*if guru girl is your mom

(don't you hate the fine print?)

The Dynamic Duo are always looking for ways to make some bank. Turns out all they have to do is lose a tooth or two.

“Parents” magazine just reported the tooth fairy is pretty generous these days. $3.70-per-lost-tooth generous. On average.

No wonder the Dynamic Duo have so much cash squirreled away in their crayon banks!

Teaching kids money management is a tricky thing. It’s something many of us put off because it’s complicated, and we don’t want to do it wrong.

Do you give kids an allowance?

Do you tie the allowance to chores?

Do your kids get free reign in how they spend the allowance?

(Here’s what that question really means: if the 10 year old wants to take $40 she’s saved up and blow it on a bunch of plastic jewelry from Claire’s, do you let her?)

If you opt for an allowance, do you remember to get cash and give it to your kids every week? Or do you forget for awhile and let those little extortionists demand vast sums when the topic comes up?

And lastly, when your kiddo sees something at the store that she wants to buy does she actually have the allowance money with her? Or do you buy it for her and then forget to have her reimburse you when you get home?

Allowance management systems are complicated! But we all want our kids to be responsible about money, right?

In order to be responsible with money, experts say, kids have to have experience handling it. That means my fella and I have to suck it up and do some work on the allowance front.

Luckily, there’s an app for that. Not really an app, but a website. “Smart Piggy Bank” is a website that allows the parent to act as banker. You don’t give the site any financial information. You just set up an account for your kiddo by typing in a name. It can even be a fake name. Like Justin Bieber who recently changed his Twitter handle to Bizzle.

Then you set the amount you want deposited in the account each week and set the interest rate you’ll pay your kiddo for her savings. No real money is actually in the account. It’s just a tracking mechanism.  

Your kid can jump on the computer and pull up her account to check for funds, just like you do with your real bank account. She can record withdrawals and other outside deposits (like birthday gifts from grandparents) too.

Because it’s online it’s easily accessible at, say, Target when the 8 year old wants to buy more silly socks. I’m envisioning pulling out my phone and my kiddo pulling up her account to deduct the sock money right then and there.

The Dynamic Duo are a lot more thoughtful about their purchases when it’s their money so I’m thinking the extra time in the Target aisle will be worth it.

I’m opting for this account versus an online one at our real bank because it lets me set the interest rate for savings.

I’m going to set an astronomically high interest rate.

Because it kills me when the 10 year old spends $40 on plastic jewelry. And I think she’ll be motivated to save more of her money if she calculates that she’ll double the amount by year’s end. (Unless, of course, my idea backfires and the 10 year old then buys $80 of plastic jewelry.)

We’re going to give Smart Piggy Bank a try. (Click this link to go to smartpiggybank.com)It can’t be worse than our last allowance management system, which consisted of plastic baggies filled with money, which I carried around for each kid in my purse.

That system gave the kids no lessons in savings but gave their mother both a back ache and broken purse strap from the weight of all those damn quarters!

At least Smart Piggy Bank will save my posture and the guesswork of “Did I give the allowance last week?”

Happy banking, guru girls & guys!

Movie Reviews: "That Awkward Moment" & "The Monuments Men"

Everyone here at Chez Guru has a crush on Shaun White. The 8 year old likes his cheekbones. The 10 year old likes his hair. My fella likes his “in the pipe” daring.

Who knew the Olympics could be so interesting?

We are hooked. 

We even like the Skeleton, possibly the most boring, televised sport. At our house it’s not boring because the 10 year old has come up with a Skeleton dance move that she does during commercial breaks. It mimics the shaking bottoms of our favorite Skeleton athletes, and it is awesome.

So guru girl is having a media moment these days, and it’s even extended to the big screen. I’ve seen not one but two movies in the past month. 

Saw “That Awkward Moment” – the Zac Efron movie -- on opening night. My fella and I were the only patrons over the age of 18 in the theater. Because the movie is about a group of 20something guy friends as they grapple with growing up.

My guy and I could relate to, oh, none of it anymore. Because it’s about hook ups and bar scenes and the bittersweet magic of love in your 20s. From the guy perspective.

So it also includes bathroom humor, nudity and lots of “men are from Mars” moments. Let’s just say the boy approach to romance is perplexing. The movie explores that with dialogue and plot twists that are, at times, witty.

But the movie’s best moments were captured in the trailer, which you can watch, for free, when it plays during the Olympics.

You can watch the trailer and juxtapose Shaun White’s face onto Zac Efron’s body and think how much better the movie would be if they had just cast Shaun and featured a Yolo flip or two.  

The other movie I saw, which can’t be saved if it featured a hundred Yolo flips, was “The Monuments Men”. This is George Clooney’s latest directorial effort. 

He also stars in it, obscuring his smoldering good looks with a wispy little pencil mustache. That was George’s first mistake in this movie, but not his last.

The movie’s about a group of World War II soldiers charged with protecting and finding great European art. Hitler’s stolen a bunch of it and hidden it. But where?

It’s up to George Clooney’s group of ragtag soldiers (art-wise civilians recruited to form this elite team) to figure it out.

There were some amusing moments and dialogue, but, not one love scene. Not even a love interest. In a movie with George Clooney. Talk about a crime!

The movie was also confusing. You were supposed to be amazed by the cleverness and daring the team showed in getting behind enemy lines and finding the stolen art. 

But these parts were awfully vague. The soldiers would just miraculously get a tip about the art, arrive at its location and exchange meaningful glances. 

This was almost as confusing and frustrating as the 20something man’s approach to dating!

So neither movie earned a gold medal in my book. But like Shaun, I’m ready to shake off my disappointment and look to the future and the greatness it holds, specifically greatness in the form of Colin Farrell and his new movie “Winter’s Tale”. 

It features romance, intrigue and not one man wearing skinny jeans or a mustache. Ingredients for a gold medal movie indeed.

Happy movie viewing, guru girls & guys! 

Valentine's Pick For Your Guy: "Cards Against Humanity"

Why would I decide to paint my fella’s office on the sly?

He’s been out of town this past week so I thought it would be the perfect chance to whip up a new office and surprise him.

Begone, girly yellow on the wall. Hello, masculine taupe.

These were my thoughts at the beginning of the week. It is now the end of the week, and this is what I have.

I was right about one thing. My fella is certainly going to be surprised when he comes home tonight.

The pressure is on. And I’m not the kind of girl who responds well to pressure. It makes me want to nap and binge view HGTV.

There will be none of that going on. Today I will be painting, but I think I’ll zip out and get my fella another surprise present, just in case this painting thing goes further awry.

I’m going to get my guy “Cards Against Humanity”, a card game that’s supposed to be positively filthy. Filthy and funny, two things that will completely take my fella’s mind off his office, which is also filthy but not so funny.

If you also need a good party game for the irreverent, not-easily-offended guy in your life whose office you’ve just decimated, pick up a set of “Cards Against Humanity”. With any luck it will offend him more than your latest decorating project. (Click this link to visit the "Cards Against Humanity" website, where you can purchase the game for around $10.)

Generosity Challenge: Unexpected Results

                                       Mystery gifters, in action.

The 8 year old gave her money to a boy at school.

He is actually more than a boy. He is her crush, and the money is more than just money. It is the 8 year old’s portion of the Generosity Challenge.

Which I thought I explained she was to give away anonymously, in a surprising way, to strangers. Not to the boy she’s crushing on, whom she walked up to and threw the money at.

Huh.

Like so many things in parenthood, the Generosity Challenge is something I envisioned one way, which went down in a completely different way. (Crying it out and the first day of kindergarten are other parenting events that spring to mind.) 

I think it’s the universe teaching me yet another lesson in control. Specifically: I have none and should just quit trying. Life is not a Hollywood movie that needs to be directed by me. It plays out just fine on its own.  

Because, despite all my pontificating, the 8 year old grasped the real point of the Generosity Challenge: it’s about giving. It doesn’t matter who you’re giving to – stranger or friend. It’s about looking at how you can make someone else’s day better instead of just worrying about your own.

Here’s another unexpected benefit of the Generosity Challenge. It pays dividends beyond the initial $10. Because you’re happy when you’re actually giving the money away. (Or in the 8 year old’s case, throwing it at cute boys.)

You’re happy when you’re brainstorming surprising ways to give it away. The guru crew had our best dinner conversation ever while we spitballed ideas.

And then you’re happy because you become hyper aware of all the generous acts going on around you. Yesterday, at a traffic light, a lady’s car got stuck in snow on a hill. Her wheels just kept spinning. The guy in the lane next to her got out of his car and pushed this lady’s car up the hill. Her car wasn’t even in his way.

That’s generosity. Just like the 10 year old hiding money in jackets left at her school’s “lost and found” is generous. And my fella hiding money under cereal boxes at the grocery store is generous. (He hid the money low so hopefully kid shoppers will be the recipients.)

And me? I wrapped my money in yellow paper that looks like a parking ticket and tucked it under the windshields of several cars parked at meters. I love the idea of someone being bummed out they got a parking ticket and instead finding some coffee money and a note that says “Enjoy”.

You gotta try the Generosity Challenge. By yourself or with your family. It’ll bond you up, make you feel better about the world we live in and – bonus! – you don’t have to set foot in a yoga studio for any of these healthy benefits.

With my new, technical expertise, I’ve enabled the “anonymous comments” button on the blog so you should be able to easily post in the comments section. Tell us how the Generosity Challenge went for you. Where’d you spend the Benjamins? How’d it make you feel?

Go get happy, guru girls & guys!