Pillows As Plush As Chord Overstreet's Lips

The only thing guru girl loves more than a celebrity scandal – Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes breakup details to follow – is a pillow. Better yet? A pile of pillows.

When life stresses me out, I go pillow shopping. While this behavior is cheaper than therapy, it can still be problematic. At a certain point it can make your house look like a special feature of “Hoarders”, specifically the “Hoarders Gone Wild: Cushion Edition”.

There is a solution right here on your laptop: it’s called Etsy.com, and it’s the greatest thing ever. This is THE source for -- wait for it -- pillow covers. Keep the 6 main throw pillows you already have, and then simply change out your pillow covers with the seasons or the trends.

Scroll through the Etsy site, choose the pillow cover that speaks to you, and it’s mailed out to you within the week. (Etsy pillow covers are typically $15 & up.)Postage and price are next to nothing since it’s only the pillow shell that is being delivered. Much cheaper than Pier 1 and tons more stylish. It’s easy on your wallet AND your basement storage situation.

Unfortunately for Tom Cruise, his imminent divorce will likely prove neither easy on his wallet or his basement storage situation as Katie Holmes will probably take the contents of both. If you suddenly see an autographed “Far & Away” poster on Etsy.com (and there’s a little moustache drawn on Nicole Kidman’s face), you’ll know that’s exactly what happened. And then, even  fabulous pillow covers won’t be able to help Tom Cruise’s stress level.

Pet Care For Thunder Anxiety

Thunder storm season is upon us. If you are the owner of a furry friend who pants more than a babe in a “Whitesnake” video every time lightning strikes, chances are you’re looking for a solution.

Is medication the answer to subdue your dog or are there other more holistic methods? This really shouldn’t even be a question for guru girl. If in doubt, I will always go the medication route. Natural child birth versus epidural? Epidural, for sure.

I firmly believe this is a dad’s only job in the delivery room: to charm the nurses so they’ll put his baby mama first in line for the anesthesiologist and his needle of bliss. (That doesn’t sound so good but you know what I mean).

I’m all about seeing how the other half lives though. So for our eyes-rolling-back-in-his-head-he’s-so-scared-of-thunder dog I gave in and bought the Thunder Shirt. A thunder shirt is an incredibly tight jumpsuit that you pop onto your dog at the first hint of thunder. It squeezes the daylights out of your dog and is supposed to produce feelings of calm, similar to the effect of the burrito wrap on newborns.

Have you ever tried squeezing a terrified dog into a girdle? It is such a stressful, anxiety-producing experience that you’d better have gotten that prescription for doggy Xanax anyway because you are gonna have to pop a few tabs of it just to quell your anxiety.  

So there’s your answer: you can try the Thunder Shirt, but you’d better get the Xanax prescription filled anyway. For either you or Fido or both of you. Also, make sure to not throw away the instructions for  Thunder Shirt application or the next time you go to use it, your dog will look something like the photo below. Editor’s note: Not that guru girl would be so careless as to throw away directions. This photo was staged to illustrate a point. Probably. 

Signs You Are Becoming Your Mother

Announcing to everyone in the car, “I’m the driver, not the d.j.”

I’m not rocking legwarmers or a Pinto, otherwise it could conceivably be 1983.

Fantasies & Vacuums & Vacuum Fantasies

I’m not having fantasies about grey, silk ties. This, despite having read 50 Shades in record time -- while my favorite fella was on a business trip -- so that he wouldn’t make fun of my heavy breathing.

 No, I am lusting after Rosie the Robot from “The Jetsons”. I would like her to come live at my house. There is currently a commercial playing in heavy rotation that offers the next-best-thing: the Roomba 560, a little box that zips around your house vacuuming all the live long day. It’s not Rosie, but it’s worth considering.

 I am skeptical, sure. But I am also a sucker for those infomercials and basically any product that wears an “as advertised on t.v.” sticker. I might be the only one in America who purchased a “Bump It” and wore it – I’m not proud to say – on special occasions. For an entire year. I say I have caring friends and family, but I might need to rethink that. Not one of them discouraged me!

 So it might be up to you, virtual strangers, to save me from myself. You might need to start a petition begging me not to buy this item and inflict it on my family. The Roomba 560’s downside could be significant. I can see it eating the dog’s tail, and really, how will it not get hopelessly mired in the pile of shoes at our back door? I don’t know.

 In the infomercial there are never any shoes or furry dog tails, but there’s also never any dirt. And this could be the Roomba’s biggest selling point: a house free of dirt. Every day. Not just the hour after the cleaning lady has left, and you threaten your family with exile if they so much as hint at having lunch at home.

Close your eyes, ladies. Imagine the future with me: a house free of dirt. Maybe our collective energy can dispel the negativity of my favorite fella who says, “Why not just put $350 on a shelf? ‘Cause that’s where your Roomba's gonna sit when it doesn’t work right.”

 Don’t be a hater like my favorite fella. Join me on the side of artificial intelligence and capitalism. Go down to Bed, Bath & Beyond and get yourself a little Roomba action.  http://www.amazon.com/iRobot-560-Roomba-Vacuuming-Silver/dp/B000UUBCNO

Big Art, Cheap!

So it’s summer vacation, and the Dynamic Duo are making Pablo Picasso – with his daily sketches – look like an underachiever. Let’s just say, the art output at our house is as high as Adam Lambert’s pompadour.

How’s a proud parent to display so many artistic treasures without going broke at the frame store? Mod Podge is your answer. At our house Mod Podge has a cult-like following. As the X-P90 workout is to you & your guy, Mod Podge is to the elementary set. Positively addicting! (Confession: I am actually not an X-P90 devotee. It looks incredibly hard and painful, and you know guru girl’s attitude toward pain.)

Back to the artistic display method… Buy a big canvas at an art store. You can get one for around $10. Pick 3 of your kids’ art pieces. It looks better if they are somewhat related in theme or color. Tape the art onto the canvas and slather on the Mod Podge. Mod Podge will glue the art pieces to your canvas and provide a nice gloss too. Voila! For roughly $20 you have an enormous art piece, ready for display.

Even better? You know the artists. Heck, you made lunch for them earlier today. When they make it big in the art world, they’ll remember their first supporter – she who made their lunch and purchased their supplies. And they’ll keep you in style in the old folks’ home. Or will at least keep you supplied with Mod Podge.

Movie Review: "Brave"

I am a little confused about “Brave”, the Pixar movie getting all the buzz. It’s not a foreign film. Its theme shouldn’t be all brooding and German and difficult to decipher. It features not one stark beach scene where you’re not sure exactly what you’re looking at or how it relates to the movie.

 “Brave” is a movie for kids. It features a spitfire of a heroine who is a crack shot with an arrow. What’s not to like about this set up? Especially if you’re the parent of a spitfire of a heroine (make that two) who are also crack shots, although their weapon of choice is the stomp rocket.

 There are some troubling aspects to the movie. The first is the fact that Princess Merida, the heroine, looks like she’s about 12 years old. The plot centers on her anger over being forced to choose a suitor to marry. 12 years olds marrying? Really?! I know the whole child-bride thing is historically accurate, but it’s still disturbing.

 However, I was still full of good will at this point. I had my vat of popcorn, my smiling 6 year old beside me and (thank goodness I don’t live in 10^th century Scotland) movie-theater-quality air conditioning cranking at me full force. What’s the Scottish word for nirvana? That’s where I was when… spoiler alert! Do not read further if you don’t want to find out about key points of “Brave”.

The plot took a turn for the worse. So bad that I got all lit up, at a Pixar movie!  Princess Merida doesn’t want to get married. Her mother, Queen Elinor (a loving and involved mother) tells Merida that she has to get married, for the good of the kingdom. Basically, Merida has to put on her big girl underpants and just get it done. Queen Elinor doesn’t actually use this language, but this is the idea.

 This sentiment is what I frequently convey to our two, little spitfires, and it’s exactly the language I use. Of course, usually at our house we are debating issues like the idea of putting on shoes so the stakes are admittedly a bit lower. Still, I admired Queen Elinor and her conviction.   

 Is Queen Elinor evil? Is she doing wrong? No, what she’s doing is called parenting. Guess how Merida rewards her mother? She poisons her! With a scone, laced with a spell that she bought from a sketchy witch. The spell was supposed to simply change the queen’s mind about the importance of her daughter marrying. But the spell went wrong, and it ended up changing the queen into a big, old bear. If this were modern-day, it’s a close up of Princess Merida that we’d be seeing on “Dateline”.

 The movie skims over the troubling point of, oh, poisoning and moves on to develop its theme, which is the part I’m still confused about. The theme seemed to be something like “one’s fate lies within oneself”. Or maybe it was “one doesn’t need to rely on sketchy witches or poisoned scones to effect change”.

 I was thoroughly perplexed. And if I was perplexed, what about the kids in the audience? What about the big-girl-underpants-wearing 6 year old next to me? What was the message she took away?

Judging from her slack expression, which indicated full-on sugar coma, I think the message she took away was “The movie size container of “Nerds” is awesome!”

 So maybe I’m overthinking things. Maybe I don’t need to worry about eating any scones whipped up by our spitfires just yet. But still… Pixar could have done better. They could have given us a nice and easy theme to take away. Or at least slapped a “be kind to your mother” public service announcement on at the end of the movie.   

5 Top Diet Tricks

5 Diet Tricks To Burn Weight Off Faster Than You Can Scorch A Campfire Marshmallow*

(* not that you’ll be consuming one of those, oh, ever again)

Six years ago I summered not in the dizzying haze of the Vineyard or the Cape. No, no, nothing so glamorous for guru girl. No, I spent the summer in the dizzying haze of the “crack/water diet”, a nationally recognized diet program that shall remain nameless.

My friends affectionately dubbed it the “crack/water diet” due to the copious amounts of water it forced me to consume, as well as herbal supplements that not only caused my metabolism to race but also my heart, my thoughts and my feet (which came in very handy for chasing my 3 year old at the time).

The good news? It worked. Lost a whole lot of weight. The bad news? I remain haunted by some of the plan’s more diabolical aspects. But there are 5 tricks it taught me that I use to this day, mostly because they work and are not incredibly painful.

1.     Don’t drink your calories. Drinks don’t fill you up. Food does that. Save your calories for actual food. Nix the word “orange juice” from your vocabulary and your lips.

2.    Drink water. Like a camel storing up for a trek. Drink lots of it. You’ll be as familiar with restrooms in public places as your potty-training 3 year old.

3.    Eat an apple a day. Yes, apple-eating smears your lipstick, and it’s annoying to get rid of the core if you’re eating it in the car, but apples are worth it. They fill you up and actually have a taste, unlike those Wasa Crisp crackers.

4.    Postpone cravings. Before you give into any craving make yourself drink a full glass of water first. If you still want the, say, cookie after downing the water, let yourself have it.

5.     Keep a food journal. These make it really easy to see what gets you off track so you can do something about it. Was it really an aberration when you devoured the entire pack of mini Kit Kats? Or do you do this several times a week, every time you get off the phone with your mother? Food journals don’t lie. It’s best to face the truth… which will be scrawled in your food journal… in your weakest handwriting because you haven’t had real food in several days.

Very Not Good Things

Someday I am going to do a list that is the antithesis of Oprah’s “Good Things”. What will headline my “very not good things” list? Kryptonite bike locks.

When is a kryptonite bike lock NOT a good thing? When you locked up your bike with it in the garage last summer and can no longer remember where you put the key.

I am growling as I type this because guru girl violated her own household management principle. This guiding household principle is as follows: In your address book, under tab “P” there shall be a title in bold. This title shall read “Passwords & Other Tricky Information”.

Under this title you shalt record all the passwords in your life, from the password to your local library account to the one for “wine country gift baskets”. You shall also record the location of all keys -- and other valuables -- that you have trickily stashed away. It’s great that Grandma gave you the silver that is a family heirloom. Not so great if you hid it beneath the basement stairs never to be found again.

This simple household management act shall greatly reduce stress and growling in your life. Have fun riding your bike this weekend. As you do it, think of guru girl who will be investigating every nook and cranny of her house, and possibly purchasing kryptonite-busting pyrotechnics.

What Banking Experts Wish You Knew

What Banking Experts Wish You Knew

You know what it’s like when you’re in a foreign country, say France, and a French guy is talking a blue streak at you? You struggle to comprehend even a bit, and then just figure “what the heck”. How hard can it be to dash off a few French phrases? So you throw yourself into the exchange with great confidence.

This conversational strategy once resulted in me telling my French foreign exchange family that I was pregnant, when I was – in fact – simply full from the festive, French lunch we’d just enjoyed. I think they were relieved the trampy, American high schooler was staying with them for only a week versus an entire semester. (Editor’s note: Just to be clear, I was not pregnant in high school, in France or in any other country. I was just confused about verb conjugation.)     

This is the same feeling I had last night when cocktailing with my friend Audrey. You see Audrey is a banker. She not only balances her check book. She also knows her credit score and all about the intricacies of home equity loans. Many of the phrases that trip off Audrey’s tongue do – in fact – sound like French to me. But I nod sagely and pretend that I am a responsible adult who also balances her checkbook, knows her credit score and – of course – has a home equity loan. (Editor’s note: If I could use it at Sephora I would most definitely have one.)

This exchange led me to think up a new category for the blog: “What Experts Wish You Knew”. This will be an occasional feature where I grill my various friends about their area of expertise and share it with you. Did I write friends? I meant “industry experts”.

So, to kick it off, here’s what my Banking Guru has to say… In a nutshell, home equity loans are the bomb. You apply for one. If you qualify, you get a line of credit that you can use any time within the next several years in case of emergency or in case of immediate need to go on vacation in the tropics. The options are endless. So are the banks out there. You’ve gotta shop around (like shopping’s a chore!), but there are lenders out there who won’t charge you if you don’t end up using the home equity line. They won’t even charge you for the application.

In these recessionary times, it’s like a security blanket. Almost as good as the Snoopy one you had back in the day. Consult your own favorite banker and/or tax advisor for further details.

How To Follow Guru Girl: Complete Instructions

In Montel Jordan's Immortal Words "This Is How We Do It..."

Maybe you’re not the same kind of obsessive-compulsive follower that I am. Let’s pretend for a minute you can’t reel off the names of Hollywood’s top 20 couples.

And you can’t recite verbatim the questionable choices made by Snookie & the gang over at the “Jersey Shore” house. Full disclosure -- I  can actually spout off the questionable choices made by virtually every reality show character, every season, for the past 10 years. But that’s a party trick for another day.

To say I follow our culture’s weirdest, shallowest oddities would be an understatement. I am positively OCD about it.  

You can do this too! Only you don’t have to spend hours watching mindless television or long moments in the nail salon reading thought-provoking analysis of aforementioned mindless television. All you have to do is follow “guru girl guide to greatness”. I’d be honored to be the weird, shallow, cultural oddity in your life.

Sign me up, guru girl. I know this is what’s going through your head. Take a look at the right-hand side of the blog. There are 2 ways to follow it. One way is to click “join this site”. Or there’s a box below it that says “follow by e-mail”. Input your desired e-mail address & presto, guru girl’s encyclopedic knowledge of all things trivial will be delivered right to your virtual doorstep! It’s even better than the morning newspaper, because it’ll never arrive soaked from the sprinkler.

Grounds To Revoke The Parenting License

Yup. Just used the phrase “We’re off like a prom dress” upon leaving the house this morning with the Dynamic Duo. What was I thinking?! Good thing 6 and 9 year olds never have questions about words or phrases they don’t know.

Light It Up: Miniature Lamps

Organize & Stylize: Miniature Table Lamps

“Let there be light” isn’t just a biblical commandment. It’s a home decorating imperative as well. But the type of light is important. Want your kitchen to have as much cozy ambiance as your favorite martini bar? Miniature table lamps are your answer.

Go to Walmart or Ikea and grab two of these puppies. (Walmart is a great source. This lamp & shade retail for $15.)The lamp base should be no more than 5 inches tall. Any taller and you lose the cozy effect, as well as the ability to open your kitchen cabinets without banging into the shade.  

Get the lamps in either black or clear glass. The ones with plain, white shades work best. Plug them in, and they add instant class to your kitchen and make it as cozy as the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. It’s a lot of look for hardly any money. Is this advice guru-good? More like guru-great!  

Duct Tape Purse/Makeup Bags

Craft It Up: Duct Tape Purse/Makeup Bags

“Now it’s your turn to sit on my face!” These words will strike fear into the heart of any parent, especially when you hear one of your children shriek them, and they are followed by the howling cry of her 6 year old sister.

Nothing good comes from face-sitting. So what’s a parent -- in the middle of the undisciplined orgy that is summer vacation-- to do?  The answer, ladies, is duct tape. No, not to wrap up your warring offspring. Duct tape art projects! Duct tape is not just for your favorite fella to use when he’s putting together bookshelves and can’t figure out where the screws go.

You know the cute clutches sold at those retro, hip stores where the salesclerks sport more art on their body than you have on your living room walls? That cute, little clutch that retails for big bucks? That’s what you’re gonna make.

You’re actually going to oversee your people making it. So you get the added bonus of being able to brag that your 6 year old made your fabulous clutch for you. Additionally, it’s an art project your kiddo will make for you that you’ll actually want to be seen with (as opposed to other craft projects, see Exhibit A: Pioneer Candle).

You only need 2 things for this project: a little patience and a Duct Tape Kit. Only $17.99 at Target, this kit comes with 3 different duct tapes. Drum roll, please – the tapes are not boring grey but striped with fabulous, pop-arty designs.  The kit also comes with 2 tote-style, paper bags.

Bust out the tape & let your little handbag designer go crazy wrapping the tape around the bag. All you have to do is snip off the tape strips when your kiddo tells you the desired length. Once the bag is wrapped with the many different designs of tape, it’s a pop-art creation worthy of Andy Warhol himself. And you’ll walk around, sporting your new bag, with a little Warhol swagger yourself. Sure, it’s just the grocery store you’re visiting, but your swagger says Studio 54’s the next stop on your list.

Bonus: you can use the leftover tape to fashion cute makeup bags from the Ziplocs in your kitchen drawer, as shown in the picture below.

Skinnygirl Margarita Review

Product Review: Is It Worth Your Hard-Earned Dollar?

“What is this?!” our 6 year old shrieked upon downing a glass of the "light" lemonade that I’d tried to fob off as the real thing. This was my same reaction upon downing a glass of Skinnygirl Margarita a few weeks ago. (available at amazon.com, around $15). I bought it. Because I’m a product junkie and I admire Bethenny’s bravado, if not her choice in bikinis. (Is it really seemly for a 40 something mother to rock a bikini quite that teeny?)

I’m happy to have my $14.99 go into the pocket of the pull-herself-up-by-her-bootstraps kind of gal that Bethenny appears to be. And yet…

There’s definitely something missing. Something beyond the sugar. Just like today’s boy bands can’t compare to Duran Duran, Skinnygirl Margarita can’t compare with the real thing. It doesn’t have the hair, the smoldering eyes, the smoking guitar riffs. Sorry, distracted by John Taylor fantasy for a minute.

Back to the drink… there are advantages, of course. I downed several glasses and didn’t take my top off and dance on my friend Heather’s table.  That’s a big change from the margarita-influenced choices I would have made back in college. So was my calm quaffing, the margarita talking or the fact that guru girl is finally a mature adult? It’s tough to say. Kind of like nature versus nurture. The eternal question. Don’t have an answer to this one. Do have an answer to: “Is Skinnygirl Margarita worth a try?”

If you’re dieting as hard as Duran Duran rocked back in the day, the answer is “yes”. It’s only 110 calories per serving. If you have to volunteer at your kiddo’s school in the morning and don’t want to risk any table-dancing -- and the resulting puffy eyes and chagrin that yes, as a parent, you’re still doing this stuff -- the answer is “yes”.

If you’re just looking to save a few calories, the answer is “no”. Margaritas are indulgences. So indulge. Just make sure to wear flats. They leave fewer dings on the bar.

What They're Making At Summer Camp These Days

Will Make You Smile Or Delete Me From Your Browser: Pioneer Candle

The Dynamic Duo, a.k.a. our 9 year old and 6 year old, attended Homesteading Camp last week. Much butter-churning, wagon-riding fun was had by all. Even more epic? The crafts.

This candle, created by said 9 year old, was my favorite. Because it says a lot about the pioneers. It says, yes, illumination is important, but we’ll take our light with a little bit of boom-chicka-chicka on the side. Plains ain’t gonna populate themselves.

And really, who doesn’t need a little boom-chicka-chicka inspiration? Not our house. We’ve got it in spades now. Every time we look at this candle.

Big Green Egg Grill: Father's Day Winner

Most Epic Father’s Day Present Ever: Big Green Egg

Want to earn the rep – this Father’s Day – as “coolest baby mama ever”? Look no further than your local Ace Hardware store. Because there in the corner is your answer: The Big Green Egg. It is to grills what Gisele Bundchen is to supermodels.

The leader of the pack. Great performance and minimal drama. Impossibly sleek. Okay, that part was a lie. Sleek, the Big Green Egg is not, as -- truthfully -- it resembles a big, green grenade.  But this gadget will make the grilling maestro in your life so happy that you really won’t mind the aesthetic travesty it makes of your deck.

It will make him almost as happy as if Gisele Bundchen were his baby mama. But some things in life are unattainable (see Gisele Bundchen for your favorite fella and Tom Brady for you), whereas the Big Green Egg? Nip out to Ace Hardware on your lunch break, and it’s yours.

Wrap it up and present it to your guy for Father’s Day this weekend, and you get to enjoy the grilling bounty it produces all summer long. This is a hot-ticket item so you may have to call around to different Ace stores to see which one has it in stock. It’s also on sale at various online outlets. The cost of this grill/smoker/outdoor oven is around $750.   Ace Hardware is easiest, local outlet.

Gone Girl: Book Recommendation

Hot Off The Presses & Hollywood: Book & Movie Recommends

I like my literary fiction like my friend Dianne likes her gin & tonics: to go down smooth. A little substance is good. A humdinger of a plot? Even better. Long-winded passages about setting? Not so much.

If your reading tastes are like mine, have I got a page-turner for you… “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn (available at amazon.com, around $14). I stayed up until 10:42 (!) last night reading it. That’s saying a lot since I’m usually listening to the snores of my favorite fella and our ding-dong of a dog by 9:42.

“Gone Girl” is about a young, married couple that’s hit a rough patch -- a patch that makes Charlie Sheen’s domestic life look positively tranquil -- once the wife goes missing. Did the husband do it? Did the wife just disappear? If so, why? How? These questions kept me guessing all night… as well as other questions, like… what exactly did Ding Dong Dog eat to make him smell so bad?!

It’s the perfect summer read. Substance and theme? Check. Page turning? Check. Make you feel better about having read nothing but the entire “50 Shades” trilogy this spring? Check.     

Microdermabrasion Machine To The Rescue

Beauty Bar: Tip #1

Just like you’re not sporting your M.C. Hammer pants, shrunken vests or Madonna lace gloves anymore, you shouldn’t be sporting skin that says you remember – much less wore – any of these things. And yet, many of us are. If you haven’t exfoliated lately – and I mean exfoliated like a rubdown from one of those Turkish bath ladies – then that’s exactly what your skin is saying for you. It’s broadcasting to the world your love of all things 80s. It’s okay if you’ve lived long enough that your hypodermal skin layer has rocked out to “99 Luft Balloons” but your face should say “I remember nothing before 1985”. How do you get there? It’s microdermabrasion to the rescue.  

I know what you’re thinking, “Guru girl, I don’t have the big bucks for a microdermabrasion at a salon every month.” Much less the incredibly high pain threshold necessary to stomach a session with a pro. Not to worry. Guru girl, with her incredibly low pain threshold and penny-pinching ways, has an answer: The Timepeel Natural Diamond Home Microdermabrasion Machine -  $249 from amazon.com. This gizmo is a game changer. Spendy? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. It’s easy to work & definitely not as painful as a session at your dermatologist. Order this baby up, and in 7 days your face will rival your crazy 2 year old’s… although hopefully you will sport a peanut butter mustache less regularly. Use this gadget twice a week and take your license with you on your next date night your favorite fella, because you’re gonna get carded.  

Introduction

Like the celebrity who says she lost 70 pounds of baby weight simply by nursing and chasing her kids, the modern gal -- who says juggling it all comes easily -- is lying. There’s plenty of planning and tricks up her sleeve that she’s using to stay on top of the job, the house, the partner, the pets, the laundry, the kids, the social life and the holidays. That or Modern Gal is chugging Red Bull like it’s going out of style and main lining that 5 hour energy drink like heroin. You can do that. These are options. There are easier options. Like reading this blog.

Learn from my mistakes. I made -- and make, on a daily basis -- lots of them. Mistakes bring you experience. Experience is also known as wisdom. I don't have much innate wisdom. But I've got some. Aquired the hard way. PLENTY of mistakes. Better yet, I’ve read every self help book out there about how to live a reasonably sane life and easier ways to get there.

Add to that the fact that I’m pretty much a magazine whore, and we’ve got ourselves some know-how. Suckered by the “50 best ways” and “10 tricks” headlines of Real Simple and In Style? Me too. Every single time. Not an idiot savant when it comes to remembering this stuff? Gotcha there. I totally am. So save yourself the monthly subscription. This is the Cliff Notes version, complete with tell-all side notes about how I tried it a different way and what a disaster that was. If nothing else, you’ll be able to feel smugly superior. Best case? You’ll learn some tricks to make you even more unstoppable than you already are. Welcome to my blog!  

Baskets Will Save You

At the end of the day is your house/apartment/palatial pad as much of a train wreck as those ladies on "The Bachelor"? If so, repeat the mantra... baskets are your friend.

Baskets will save you, girls. Save your sanity... and save your house from looking like it got trashed by a 2 year old or a bunch of frat guys (depending on your life circumstance). Not sure which is more destructive. Does it matter if they're Sigma Nu versus Phi Delt?

But I digress... stash a basket at the foot of your stairs (if you live in a 2 story house) or in a central location. At the end of the day, pick up the basket and race around your house picking up items that need to go upstairs. THEN -- and here's the tough part -- actually walk UPSTAIRS and put everything in its proper place. It takes 5 minutes, but it will change your life. I promise.

For those of you who always take the extra credit option -- you know who you are -- you could even stash a basket in all of your main rooms. Make sure it has a lid. At the end of the day stash all weird items that have accumulated in the room inside this basket. Slam down the lid. Voila! Uncluttered room.

Editor's Note: At some point you do have to remember to open the basket and put the items in their rightful place. Otherwise, 6 months later you'll be in the middle of some souffle action and cursing about where that damn egg timer is. Chances are your 2 year old put it up her nose so it's in the "bathroom basket" where you threw it after the forcible removal that sent your 2 year old into a tantrum and you into the kitchen for some Chardonnay. So it could also be in the "kitchen basket". If, like mine, your memory isn't good enough to be able to recall these incidents, you need to find yourself some discipline and put your lidded basket items away, say, every Sunday.

All this effort will net you a good half hour of free time on the weekend... which you can spend perusing the latest issue of "US Weekly" for the scoop on Bachelor Ben and whose ass he's placed his hands on lately. Did I write "US Weekly"? I meant "US World & News Report", which is sure to be chock full of information on other rascals, like that General Kim Jong-Il.